Candy Says

Ahhh popping candy... Who can resist the innocent temptation? This week we’re reviewing Ann Summers sweets and the Sizzling body candy was entrusted lovingly into my tender care. Unfortunately all images of fizzing sugary bits and childhood chocolates have now been ruined, but corruption is fun, yes? We homojournalists are all about pushing boundaries (by which we mean pulling at handcuffs) and destroying the pure (by which we mean dragging Rory into Ann Summers to watch the cute awkward look on his face).

Omnomnom sorry for rubbish quality, will use a real camera instead of webcam tomorrow.

My first thought when testing this out, as always with popping candy, was something along the lines of ‘Oh God, there’s been a horrible mistake, I've put loads of fire ants into my mouth’. Which, let’s be honest might distract from your less than innocent intentions. The sugary flavour (it’s supposed to be strawberry but really it just tastes like sugar) soon alleviates that annoying part of my brain so my overall feeling was not one of horror....more amusement. Can sweets amuse you? Yes....especially if this popping candy is used in the bedroom like it’s supposed to be.

After this mild panic, I realised I had not followed the instructions properly...perhaps this was the cause of the fire ant fiasco. Luckily Eli was to hand. Or rather, Eli’s hand was to hand. Before she realised what was happening (poor love) I licked her hand and tipped popping candy all over it. Following the instructions like a good little girl I quickly licked it off. It was fun....but rather....well sticky. As we all know, sex is messy and good sex is messier....but pinkish sugary patches on your skin can’t really be that comfortable can they? I think I read somewhere that sugar is an abrasive too, so no putting this candy near your doodahs and wotsits....

Look at all those microscopic sharp bits. Ouch. 

So...to conclude my review, Sizzling body candy not for me. I got over the weird ‘my tongue is melting’ sensations and the stickiness. However, I was left with this undeniable feeling that there was something impractical about this game/sweet. Then it hit me....returning to tinkerbell from my last post. There’s no way to get this candy on your partners body without looking like a grade A pillock or tinkerbell copycat. You have a few options:

1. Spend 10 minutes attacking the impossible to open sachets with your teeth
2. Sprinkle like you’re Peter Pan and only Wendy can get you to Neverland
3. Look creepily prepared with a pre opened pack
4. Take them by surprise...let the chips fall where they may and hope you don’t blind someone

You see my problem. But, hey, whatever floats your boat.I give this product a tentative 4 boobs out of a possible 10. 

Lots of love Mel

xxx

PS//

You may find some of the instructions entertaining...I won't repeat them here for the sake of the innocents amongst us (granted they may be few and far between). But, as a taster, here are the titles of the 6 games you are supposed to play with the sizzling body candy. Use your over reactive imaginations.

• X and O's
• Spell it out
• Treasure trail
• Tongue teasers
• Naughty Talk
• Guess where

I would like to propose another game called 'how many Ann Summers bags can Mel keep in her room before her mum says something'. 

Goodbye for real this time, with all the love my cold dead heart has to offer.