It Burns Like Fire

My review was of “popping candy willies” (link here) I think we’ll all agree on how subtly and tastefully named they are.  Unfortunately, due to my genetic make up, I was too lazy to take photos so instead have included my magnum opus from Microsoft paint and an assortment of clip art as a photorealistic substitute.  I will rank on various aspects out of ten, I suggest mobile readers give up now.

Packaging: 3/10

Honestly, if you gave me ten minutes on Photoshop I could do better, the colour scheme appears to have been devised by James, I mean really, are they marketing these at children? Pink and black akin to their bags might have been a more mature option, rather than a superhero pallet and pop art shading. 

Realisticness: 5/10

I’m going to ignore the fact they’re tiny, because obviously they’re supposed to be, and there’s only so much chocolate I can eat. They once again appear to have attempted making sexual organs cute, and pretty much succeeded. This makes it hard to eat them; it’s almost as bad as the poor little Lindt bunnies: if you can eat them without tearing up you’re a monster. 

Taste: 2/10

The chocolate was pretty average if a little too sweet, the popping candy not so much, unless you like eating fire.

Burniness: 10/10

The ability of this chocolate to give you second degree burns in your mouth is truly unsurpassed.

Overall I would say: don’t buy. If you want chocolate, go buy a bar of galaxy for half the price, and if you insist on chocolate with popping candy in, buy a popping candy terry’s chocolate orange (heaven in a foil wrapper). However it would make for an amusing gift, for someone you don’t like very much, get them to open it in front of their parents. Give them an earnest look and say in a worried voice “these are the ones you asked for right”?

On a completely unrelated note, can someone confirm this article is joking for me?

Todostrieb