Touch My Sugar Walls

Firstly my dear readers I must apologise for the late posting of this post. There’s a good story behind it. Funnily enough related to this week’s topic- masturbation. A close friend was ‘getting to know herself’ when one of her false nails came off. She was so caught up in the heat of the moment she didn’t realise and it got stuck up her noonoo. I had to hold her hand in hospital while a fit doctor in A&E pulled it out with a pair of sharp looking tweezers...

Ouch!

Obviously, I’m joking. Although, I have it on good authority that things like this do actually happen. As a future medical student I follow with interest the weird and wacky emergencies known as one-perecenters. One-perecenters are the injuries so embarrassing that on the hospital bed assignment board the injury description is noted as 1%. Nobody wants to be known as Mr Smith, Bed 3, Carrot up arsehole after all. So, I understand why people might be embarrassed about false nail masturbation mishaps, but why is there such a taboo in general?

Let me begin with a disclaimer of sorts. Masturbation? Who me? Never. Wouldn’t even dream about it. The vibrators I have are for decorative purposes only I swear. The handcuffs are for the zombie apocalypse. The lube is for my flute. Etc etc etc. Now I’ve made that clear we can move on.  The female orgasm was only discovered and made official about 60 years ago.  I’m not judging anyone, but if I had been on that team of scientists I reckon it would have been discovered a hell of a lot sooner.

Wanking, tossing off, jacking off, jerking off it goes without saying that the guys do it. Well almost all of them anyway. Us girls on the other hand... We’re virginal Disney princesses, locked in our towers left to wash our golden hair over and over again until the prince comes along and fucks us senseless. Nobody thought to point out to Rapunzel that there are more entertaining  things to do with your time in the bath or shower.

Nobody talks about female masturbation, there’s not even a good word for it. Just masturbation, which seems clumsy and crude. I’m not going to get into the technical psychology behind it all here, but, as far as I can tell it’s completely normal for a girl to masturbate, healthy even. Cosmo would have us believe it's all giant purple jelly dildos and positions only a yoga teacher or contortion artist would enjoy. In reality it can be a lot more intimate then that, personal and relaxing. Magazines like cosmo make it seem obscene, unfeminine and sluttish. Don’t get me wrong, it can be all of those things, if that’s what floats your boat, sometimes obscene can be good when it comes to sex. The reason the taboo about female masturbation still exists is because only the obscene side is publicised.

Fack- Eminem 'That bitch can twist like a damn contortionist'

I have a close friend who told me a few years ago that masturbation was a sin. It was self-love and therefore wrong. Anyone who knows me, knows my massive ego, so of course I love myself! That’s not wrong at all! I might draw the line at staring at myself in the mirror while I get myself off....but still. When we have a headache we take a painkiller. When we’re thirsty we drink. So why do most girls ignore it when they get horny? The solution lies quite literally at their fingertips.

Thanks for reading. Have fun ; ) but don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

Love Mel.