Friday, 13 April 2012

4 easy ways to protect yourself from gay-bashing.

It seems that out of all of our homo-journalists, I'm the only one who has been gay-bashed at some point. I'm not going to go into much detail about it now, that's for coming out week, but let it be said that the gay-bashing has now stopped, and much like James, any gay-bashing that does come my way, I tend to take in good humour.

If, on the other hand, you are still being gay-bashed (I promise you it does stop - see the video at the top of the blog), here are 4 easy, untested and untried ways to protect yourself from it.

1: Know thine enemy
Most of the people who bash gays in a non-sexual way, tend to be homophobic. So, after having safely evaluated and weighed up the potential dangers, opportunities to be stabbed, opportunities to be shot, and opportunities for cock, get to know some homophobic people. Perhaps this is the example I couldn't think of last week about stereotypes not being useful to anyone. Well, I lied, they might be useful here.

Once you get to know some homophobic people, take what they have in common, and use it to your advantage. For example, if you know they're all complete mummy's boys, when they come at you and your boyfriend/girlfriend wielding a machete or an AK-47, threaten them with "I know where you live and I'll tell your mummy." Remember to take pleasure in the look of absolute terror that that line will strike into them, and once you've done that, make good your escape.

2: Alienate your friends and family 
In order to be able to survive gay bashing/homophobia/whatever you want to call it, you need a thick skin. Rather than stand in front of the mirror shouting "rectum raider" and other such insults at yourself (although that might be a good way to start immunising yourself from the 'phobes), ask pay your boyfriend/girlfriend/brother/sister/mum/dad/best friend/etc to do so for you. This gets you used to other people insulting you, and since the insults are coming from the people you know, it'll ultimately hurt you more than what some tosser outside the tube station will say to you.

This will obviously come with considerable side effects, such as losing contact with friends and the immediate family, and may end your relationship with your other half, so be warned, this is a dangerous option. If side effects persist, you should seek advice from your GP...

3: Sign a peace treaty in Jelly Babies and Vodka 
It's a well-known fact that everybody on the planet adores Jelly Babies and Vodka. You should use this to your advantage and draw up a peace treaty of Jelly Babies and Vodka; you hand over x kilos of Jelly Babies in return for the same amount of Vodka for you and your significant other to either drink, fuel your getaway car with, or both.

4: Straight-bashing
What makes the heteros of the world so different from the homos anyway? >.<

(Disclaimer: Any fool who actually tries any of the above is a fool. These have not been tried and tested for effectiveness, and will probably result in you and your other half getting more hurt than you would have done had you just ignored it and moved on.)

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