Monday, 16 April 2012

You WILL read my post about fetishes, or I'll spank you.

Fetishes and paraphilias are everywhere in modern society. You can't go anywhere without seeing the latest all-leather fashion line, or an episode of Criminal Minds detailing a serial killer with an obsession with shoes.

"I must kill until I can find the perfect brogue."

But how many of us can actually say that we have one? As in a full, "bring out the whip and the curried mayonnaise" fetish, that we can't get off without? Because that's the mark of a real "fetish" - you absolutely can't have any kind of "happy ending" without it. So whenever you're having hot, passionate sex with your significant other (because that's all my readers do when they're not reading my posts), and you suddenly think "Hey, I could really get into you wearing a trout costume right now..." just know that it's just you being a little weird, and not a fetish, and that you should probably seek treatment.

Pictured above: not the result of a stable, balanced mind.

But how about the real fetishes? The ones that have practically become necessary to your sexual happiness? Well, I'm glad you asked, Constant Reader, because I'm about to tell you. What's that? You didn't ask? Well, shut up, I'm telling you anyway, it's the bloody theme of the week and everything!

"Let me show you why you're going to do everything I say from now on."

To illustrate the difference between fetishes and normal (or abnormal) experimentation, let's take two men (as I always like to do), "Derek" and "Mark". Let's say that Derek asks his loving partner to dress up as a piece of gouda when in bed, because he feels that it would be exciting and he's a little weird like that. Derek's loving partner, understandably, politely declines.

"You've always loved dairy more than me - we're through."

Derek cuts his losses at this point to avoid being beaten by his loving partner, and they go off to have the usual, wildly passionate sex that my readers are always having. Thus, his demands for cheese-related sexual acts aren't a fetish, because as soon as some resistance was put up he did the normal thing and took whatever he could get.

Mark, however, is a different case altogether. He has a thing for clocks (with an "l"). When he asks his beautiful partner to dress up as a clock, he has to hope that they're in an agreeable mood, because if he has a real, serious fetish for them then if they decline he won't be having any happy times.

The fact that this actually exists makes me question my decision to stay on this planet.

So, as you can see, having a fetish isn't quite as light-hearted and easy an experience as one might think - it requires quite a lot of input. If you have a serious fetish, in the event of your particular fetish being unavailable ("We're sorry, but we can't find the whip you're searching for."), you'll just have to go have a cold shower or something.

Anyway, I'm off to do unspeakable things to Cretzal now, so it's adieu for now, Constant Reader, but feel free to email me at, and I might respond after I'm done,


I had to Google "clock fetish" on my school account, I'm waiting for the letter saying I have a therapist appointment to arrive.

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