And the winner is....

Firstly, I should probably point out that I stole the idea for this week from a YouTube collab channel I subscribe to, called The Global Gays, and I sincerely suggest that everybody goes and watches some of their videos because a) they're well made, b) they come from all over the world, c) they're all vaguely good looking and d) one of them tends to post without clothes on.

Secondly, the move to Germany went well, all boxes are unpacked and some sort of order is now being established in this house, even if I have to get used to driving on the wrong side of the road, and giving way to traffic coming from the right.

And now to the bit which everybody has been waiting for.

This week, my esteemed colleagues decided it was high time to find me a boyfriend, there were a number of suggestions, some of them hopefully weren't serious.... to recap, the choices were:

• An Ezra Miller clone
• Mel
• Sherlock / Benedict Cumberbatch
• Merlin / Colin Morgan
• The Doctor / Matt Smith
• David Tennant
• Justin Bieber
• Neil Patrick Harris

An Ezra Miller clone
James, I agree with you that Mr Miller is rather scrumptious, and I would most certainly not object to calling him my boyfriend, but alas, we are talking about a humble clone here, and I'd rather have the original - but thanks for the offer >.< I'll have the clone as my toyboy though!

Mel
There is one fatal problem to this suggestion, I'm afraid Mel - you possess boobs and a vagina in place of a penis and unfortunately, as you pointed out in your post, that's a problem for me....

Sherlock / Benedict Cumberbatch
I saw this suggestion and thought 'brilliant!' But then I sat down to write this post, and I suddenly thought that Sherlock and I would never quite get on with one another... As Todostrieb pointed out, I do possess a vague interest in astrophysics, and Sherlock is completely ignorant of the formation of the solar system. Sorry, that's a no go. Besides, we'd argue too much. Benedict, on the other hand... is ginger and a little old for me, maybe if you were to freeze him until I'm his age, then things might work.

Merlin / Colin Morgan
This is another suggestion I was thrilled with, imagine the spark it would add to our sex lives when Merlin climaxes and it turns out to be a magical incantation which sets the bed on fire or something... Excellent, that's sorted. And then I realised that my cat is called Merlin too, and suddenly it occurred to me that people who know this fact might assume I'm a beastophile when I proudly declare "Merlin's my boyfriend". Actually, that's probably the reason why I'm considering the actors too, I have no objection to Colin Morgan, as long as he can speak in that sexy Merlin voice rather than his natural Irish accent...

The Doctor
I'm going to assume that Mel was referring to the Elevnth when she out this suggestion forward, since it was Eleven's picture she'd added to the post - besides, the previous ten doctors no longer exist. Now don't get me wrong, I'd kill to be the Doctor's companion, in every sense of the word, but I'd get too attached to the one I'm with, I wouldn't get on with the new one after regeneration. In terms of the actors for the doctor, some of them are dead, and I'm no necrophiliac, others simply don't do it for me. Matt Smith, however, I'd not say no too.

David Tennant
Again, I loved this suggestion, but then I re-watched Journey's End from season 4 of Doctor Who, and realised that he was far too hairy. I do however agree with that set of criteria you listed, Todostrieb, of course, the Not Gay part to David Tennant was a problem....

Justin Bieber
Eli, I seriously hope that you were joking when you suggested this.... person. I won't pass judgement on his (lack of) musical talent,  And I'm not sure when I ever said I was into small men...? (I'm not, for the record.) Besides, he looks about twelve years old...

Neil Patrick Harris
Now there's eye candy if there ever was some... And I must correct you, Miu, Neil is engaged to be married (to a rather smexy specimen of a man). Although, my conscience gets the better of me here, I don't want to deprive their kids of their two lovely daddies and destroy their relationship, I prefer monogamy.

And so I must declare Mel to be the winner. That doesn't mean she's now my boyfriend, I'm not sure Eli would let that happen. She put forward the winning suggestion of Colin Morgan, even if she didn't mean to, and has my permission to endulge herself with Jelly Babies and Vodka.