Writing is to blogging what masturbation is to sex.

Source: goodreads

We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie. ― Joycelyn Elders, "Abstinence", Penn & Teller: Bullshit! (Showtime), 5 June 2006

“My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” ― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.”  ― Robert Clark

“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?” ― Robert Clark

“If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.” ― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (coincidence, Miu, I think not)

Source: wikiquote

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. ― Woody Allen, in Annie Hall

You're gonna be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he's gonna please himself, then why am I in the picture? ― Christine O'Donnell, "IX: The Safest Sex of All", Sex in the 90s (MTV), 1996

Self improvement is masturbation. ― Tyler Durden, in Fight Club

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. ― Woody Allen

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. ― Dave Attell

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky! ― Lenny Bruce

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. ― Truman Capote

If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. ― George Carlin

Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed. ― George Carlin

My mother caught me. ― George Costanza from Seinfeld

Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation. ― Richard Feynman

The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly. ― Sigmund Freud

Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work. ― Karl Kraus

Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality. ― Karl Marx

Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners. ― P. J. O'Rourke

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. ― Lily Tomlin

If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. ― Mark Twain

Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself. ― Anonymous

You should all be having sex with yourselves.

I’d like to start this week’s post with an apology: this will seem very rushed, however the majority of my foolish Homo-Journalists decided late on Sunday to change this week’s theme from Coming Out to talking about masturbation, causing me to reschedule my planned post until next week and blitz this. So you will all have to make do with yet another short post from me, however I promise next week’s post will more than make up for two short ones.

So, you will no doubt have gathered that the month of May, in all its simultaneous gloriousness and horribleness (glorious because I’m going to New York at the end of the month; horrible because of the exams which I have now finished. I pity my fellow Homo-Journalists for all studying Biology.) is officially masturbation month. And we, being the sexually frustrated people that we are, have discovered this, and have chosen to exploit this, and you’re all going to come out of the end of this week never being able to think of [insert innuendo here] in the same way again. Ever.

“What is the purpose of this insane month?” I hear you all cry. Well, in all honesty, I’m not sure I can answer your plead, so let’s all just assume that the organisers of this month (if there are people sad enough to organise masturbation month) are all trying to tell us to go and have sex with ourselves, because if we do it all the time and never stop, we might not develop prostate cancer (that’s a valid argument, if you don’t believe me, read this article). But our daily lives and routines are all too full of revision and shopping and vodka and jelly babies (and also chocolate cake) to be able to successfully incorporate a daily masturbation session into our routine. Unless we all switch off the BBC News at 10 and do it then – who wants to listen to Ed Miliband insulting and shouting at Dick (sorry – Dave and Nick) about the recession, or some other sleazy scandal which will no doubt come to light in the time between me writing this in the early hours of Monday morning, and it going live at 10a.m. on Friday.

Before I descend into a mad rant about the apparent incompetence of our silly government, or about how everyone on this tiny little planet leads a much too busy life to be able to fit in a sneaky wank here and there, I shall leave you with the following advice: never type 'masturbation month' into YouTube in the hope that you'll find a quirky video to finish this post off with; it will burn your eyes.

Touch My Sugar Walls

Firstly my dear readers I must apologise for the late posting of this post. There’s a good story behind it. Funnily enough related to this week’s topic- masturbation. A close friend was ‘getting to know herself’ when one of her false nails came off. She was so caught up in the heat of the moment she didn’t realise and it got stuck up her noonoo. I had to hold her hand in hospital while a fit doctor in A&E pulled it out with a pair of sharp looking tweezers...

Ouch!

Obviously, I’m joking. Although, I have it on good authority that things like this do actually happen. As a future medical student I follow with interest the weird and wacky emergencies known as one-perecenters. One-perecenters are the injuries so embarrassing that on the hospital bed assignment board the injury description is noted as 1%. Nobody wants to be known as Mr Smith, Bed 3, Carrot up arsehole after all. So, I understand why people might be embarrassed about false nail masturbation mishaps, but why is there such a taboo in general?

Let me begin with a disclaimer of sorts. Masturbation? Who me? Never. Wouldn’t even dream about it. The vibrators I have are for decorative purposes only I swear. The handcuffs are for the zombie apocalypse. The lube is for my flute. Etc etc etc. Now I’ve made that clear we can move on.  The female orgasm was only discovered and made official about 60 years ago.  I’m not judging anyone, but if I had been on that team of scientists I reckon it would have been discovered a hell of a lot sooner.

Wanking, tossing off, jacking off, jerking off it goes without saying that the guys do it. Well almost all of them anyway. Us girls on the other hand... We’re virginal Disney princesses, locked in our towers left to wash our golden hair over and over again until the prince comes along and fucks us senseless. Nobody thought to point out to Rapunzel that there are more entertaining  things to do with your time in the bath or shower.

Nobody talks about female masturbation, there’s not even a good word for it. Just masturbation, which seems clumsy and crude. I’m not going to get into the technical psychology behind it all here, but, as far as I can tell it’s completely normal for a girl to masturbate, healthy even. Cosmo would have us believe it's all giant purple jelly dildos and positions only a yoga teacher or contortion artist would enjoy. In reality it can be a lot more intimate then that, personal and relaxing. Magazines like cosmo make it seem obscene, unfeminine and sluttish. Don’t get me wrong, it can be all of those things, if that’s what floats your boat, sometimes obscene can be good when it comes to sex. The reason the taboo about female masturbation still exists is because only the obscene side is publicised.

Fack- Eminem 'That bitch can twist like a damn contortionist'

I have a close friend who told me a few years ago that masturbation was a sin. It was self-love and therefore wrong. Anyone who knows me, knows my massive ego, so of course I love myself! That’s not wrong at all! I might draw the line at staring at myself in the mirror while I get myself off....but still. When we have a headache we take a painkiller. When we’re thirsty we drink. So why do most girls ignore it when they get horny? The solution lies quite literally at their fingertips.

Thanks for reading. Have fun ; ) but don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

Love Mel.

The Evolution of Porn

Happy Masturbation Month! Because I’m pretty sure the only person who wished to know my personal experiences with this topic is Miu, I decided to use artistic license and speak about porn, a closely related topic. Sorry if this post ruins everything fun about it for you, but I’m sure you’re partner will be impressed with your historical knowledge and if all else fails in your history exam you know where to turn in an attempt to amuse the examiner into giving you a good grade. I’m looking at Rory and his pheasants here.

Evidence of porn, or what could loosely be described as erotica, has been found in many ancient cultures. Think rock carvings and cave paintings. Although this is more likely to be involved with fertility and appreciation of female goddesses, rather than encouraging masturbation. But it has been suggested pornography serves an evolutionary purpose, so it is entirely plausible porn was hit upon as a method of encouraging procreation early on in society.

At last, a society where my food baby will be adored.

The era of porn really took off, mainly in impolite society, was the Victorian ages. Oh,yes, those ankles. However, they really owe it to the Romans, lots of erotic art was discovered during excavations of Pompeii, what else is the logical following action if not to try and emulate it. French impressionism was a big player here; art has traditionally been freer with its sexual connotations than most other forms of media. Can you imagine if the Sunday Times suddenly printed a naked picture of the Queen, in honour of her jubilee? Isn’t jubilee a lovely word? The Sun is of course the exception to the rule. The Victorians cottoned on pretty quick and soon passed laws making it illegal to distribute items of an “obscene nature”. Making it illegal to own (specific types, such as child pornography) is a relatively recent change in legislation, rather worryingly.

The official first English pornography in prose format was “Fanny Hill” by John Cleland, I’m not sure if this is the root of all M-rated fan fiction or if teenagers came up with that one all on their own. Magazines were the natural progression from literature and obviously as soon as moving pictures were invented (in 1895) some genius realised there was huge profit to be made. Some people argue that the reason the DVD really took off was because of how useful it was in the porn industry. But to believe that you probably need a slightly more cynical view of human nature than I possess.

Forget Google HQ. New dream workplace.

To move into evolutionary stages that directly affect you, my dearest readers, the growing market for porn aimed at females may have shaped the whole industry. Some estimates suggest that around 1 in 3 of online pornographic purchases are made by women. Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment, estimates 30-40% of market is now female. What does this mean? I’m told there has been an increasing demand for more storyline, foreplay and romance. Perhaps this is influenced by the rise of the female porn directors and producers. Even the format and delivery of erotica is subtly changing; sites like redtube or youporn make it very easy to target what you want to watch, and avoid all the scary things that might ruin your entire childhood. Rule 34, if you can imagine it, it exists somewhere on the internet… Disney porn anyone? Sex shops that used to have a sleazy reputation are morphing into female orientated ‘boutiques’which make it sound a lot more classy and glamorous. Although none of this can explain to me the bizarre porn I watched the first five minutes of on tumblr, in which a lemon tree seemed to be pivotal to the plot….

Over and out,

Todostrieb

Ps. if anyone looks at my internet history I'm totally doomed.

Happy Touching Yourself Month! :D

Up until my esteemed colleague Eli informed me of May's secret identity, I thought of it as a dull month. Wearing glasses and a boring grey suit, on the outside May was just another month, the plain Jane of the family when compared with the hot-headed August or the cool, magical December. However, in 1995, a group of specialists called Good Vibrations worked through the night to change May, to give it powers previously unheard of, that it may use in its role as the superhero... National Masturbation Month.

Pictured above: the results of me trying to find a safe picture on Google involving "superheroes" and  "masturbation".

You see, Good Vibrations quite rightly thought that, for all the good masturbation does for the world, its a remarkably under-appreciated activity. How often do you have full complete conversations about masturbation, without 90% of the words spoken being dick jokes? As in, talked about it in the same manner as you'd talk about what you're having for dinner, or which toothpaste you use? Because we really should.

Here are some of the proven benefits of masturbation:

• It eases depression - sexual stimulation releases chemicals in the brain that can combat those blues we all feel from time to time.
• It may reduce your likelihood of prostate cancer (if you're male, that is) - while no causal link could be established, there was a correlation between increased instance of masturbation and ejaculation and decreased instance of prostate cancer.
• It can ease breathing - it reduces the size of engorged swollen blood vessels, including those in the nose and throat. 
• It poses little risk - you're significantly unlikely to give yourself an STD (even touching a coldsore before touching yourself can't do any damage).
• It makes you god-damn happy.

"No no, I don't need any of these - my Redtube membership is all I need to live."

So yes, we Homojournalist fully endorse masturbation, and so we're jumping on the bandwagon and having a week devoted to it. Expect at least 10 dick jokes by Sunday.

Apologies for the shorter than average post, but English exams and the baking of cakes have limited my free time. Luckily that shouldn't be the case next week...

...next week it'll be Russian, Biology and Economics limiting my time.

As per usual, we're open to any comments, strange ramblings and dick jokes you feel like sending us at homojournal@gmail.com, I'm off to relax and reduce the size of my engorged nasal blood vessels,

Until next time,

James.

I bet you sat there and imagined me reduce the size of my engorged nasal blood vessels as well, filthy people.