Just rip it off, quick as a bandaid

First of all, sorry for the delay, but I was being physically denied access to the computer, as someone was claiming my undivided attention and I was too lazy (and busy, to be fair) to have written it in advance.


Secondly, I don't know why I'm expected to know what are the Dos and Don'ts on introducing a boyfriend/girlfriend to parents. I try to avoid it as much as I can, maybe so should you. Why does one have to introduce them anyway? Is it really their business? Then again, I talk this way because my mother and I don't have a particularly good relationship; it is better for all involved if she does not know the details of my personal life. Would I like to have one of those relationships where mother and daughter tell each other everything? Sure! Unfortunately that is simply not possible with my mother, but let's not go off topic. Since I do not really know what you should or shouldn't do, I will simply limit my self to exposing one of my experiences.


It all started with a first date, leading to another, then another and another one again. During this time, my mom was blissfully unaware of my lack of innocence and always thought I was out with friends. Then came a time when my boyfriend invited me to a pool party at his house. Well, that was an opportunity I did not want to miss, I mean, he has a really big... house; but how to convince my mom? Seeing as my boyfriend lives too far away *glares at him* (actually did glare at him as he is right here), I would have to stay over (double yay... if you know what I mean). Now you may be wondering "well where's the problem in that?"; little do you know that my mother is super protective and lives in constant fear of me having sex (I think she just MIGHT have had to have gotten over it now). There was absolutely no way she was going to allow me to stay over a guy's house. 


My boyfriend decided to try to convince her, but I figured the knowledge that the guy involved was my boyfriend would just make the situation worse; so I decided to introduce him as a friend. He came over to my house, we had dinner with my mother and he was his usual charming self... except he decided to act gay thinking that might have helped to convince her. So maybe he is a bit (very) camp, but commenting on the "hot blondie" in The Mentalist was pushing it a bit too far. Anyway, the crucial moment arrived and he asked the question: "I am throwing this party on friday and I would love for her to come" (ok so it was an implied question). My mom can't really say no to other people so she gave me a look but said yes! Woop! And that is how my mother met him, not as my boyfriend, but simply as a friend (possibly gay). 


If you are thinking "but, but, does she not know he is your boyfriend now?". Yes, indeed she does, now, and I will get to that in just a minute. In the meantime, my mom kept bringing him up in conversations asking what he was up to and suff (apparently he has that effect... on some). She was really fascinated with his music, so during the "street pianos" event, she decided she wanted to go hear him play. I was quite surprised about it, but I agreed. On our way there I kept pondering on whether I should keep pretending he was just a friend or not; I just couldn't make my mind up (mostly I was frightened). Having spotted him on a piano, we started walking towards him and I realised "what if when we get there, he kisses me? Maybe it's better to give her a heads up" (ok so I also wanted to be able to act as a girlfriend around him) so what did I do? As swiftly as possible, in a totally non-chalant way, I blurted out: "Oh, by the way, we are going out now" and ran to greet him. 


So my advice? If you are scared but feel you should tell your parents, do it in a public and crowded place where they cannot harm you (it also allows you to run away and get lost in the crowd) and just get it out and done with as quickly as you can (though comprehensible enough for them not to feel the need to ask again). I also believe it is best to confront ONE parent, the most understandable one or the one you feel closest to, and leave it up to them to tell the other (because they will). This only applies if you are too nervous or frightened, otherwise I am sure a nice dinner with family would be nice. You could also introduce them first as a friend, kind of like a test-drive, to see how it goes and whether they get along, and then decide on the best approach.


That is all the safe advice I can give, my fellow homojournalists have already covered the most extreme cases ;)


Love,


Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

How NOT to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to the family.

I'd just like to take the time to point out that this week's post comes to you from NEW YORK CITY, which is where I am currently being very overly-excited because I'm about to go and see Wicked on Broadway :D I am also about to go and spend every single penny in my possession (or cent or dollar or whatever they call money in the States), because I can, and how often is it that you're taken to New York for a belated 18th Birthday present?

Oddly enough, the mention of theatre seems like the perfect way for me to start my advice on how not to introduce your boyfriend to your parents. I don't know about you, lovely reader person, but outings to the theatre are rare in my family, and when they do happen, then my mum usually comes with me, because she's the one who's paying. This is therefore an ideal opportunity to blurt out to your parents while on the way to said theatre that you're meeting your boyfriend there, and you took the liberty to pay for his ticket on their credit card.

Of course, that situation isn't true for everybody, but this one probably is: for some, the temptation to invite your boyfriend/girlfriend over for violent sex on the kitchen table during one of those once-in-a-blue-moon periods of being home alone is just too great to resist. Depending on your outlook on life, this can be a good thing, or a bad thing. It's obviously a good thing because you get to have hot steamy love-making time with your other half, in a safe environment where you don't run the risk of being arrested for indecent exposure under a tree in Hyde Park.

It's also good because if your family return early and unnanounced, and they don't yet know you're gay, they certainly will when they walk in on the climax. While this may be awkward, you kill two birds with one stone: you've now come out of the closet, AND they've met your significant other. Of course, if you're home alone, you probably wouldn't confine your antics to the kitchen. Just make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves so that it's not overly obvious when your family return...

If awkward moments like that aren't your thing, or you think that one of your family members might come after you with a machete, you might go for the more subtle "Mum, Dad, this is my fuckbuddy, Greg" route. Clearly this is the safer option - at least you won't get an STD or Salmonella from your poorly maintained kitchen table. Then again, this still doesn't eliminate the possibility of being chased half naked down the street by your machete wielding father, so all in all, any way of introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to the family is looking slim.

Perhaps the only sensible option worth considering is to not introduce them at all. Clearly if you live in one of those dysfunctional familes where machetes and AK-47s look like they could be genuine possibilities, apart from seeking professional help, it might be safer for all those involved that you just don't introduce him or her to your charming relations. Anyway, once you've left home and moved in with your fuckbuddy, you're free to have your violent kitchen sex without the risk of anybody walking in, and then everybody's happy.

I realise some of the scenarios in this post were a bit extreme, I confess I was slightly drunk when writing this, the creative part of my brain got the better of me. I'll be back in England next week, I'm sure I'll report on my fabulous state side excursion in more detail over the coming weeks :P In the meantime, feel free to send a detailed report of your other half's awkward introduction to the family* to homojournal@gmail.com. And if your experiences have been even more alarming than those I've suggested here, do write us a guest article and send that to the same e-mail address!

* machete not required.

How Not to introduce you gay lover to your parents…

Many say that a good, healthy relationship is one where you can be completely open with everyone, and one that you do not need to hide from people. Sure, you may get some kind of kick from hiding it, but for the most part, it will just end up tearing you up inside. You will end up having to hide your emotions around the house and will be unable to seek comfort when things go wrong. You will at some point have to lie to your beloved parents and you could lose their trust, if they ever find out about it all.

<3

But there are cases, when it is important that you do hide it, for example:

• If you are not self-sufficient, and risk being kicked out
• If being found out would put you in any sort of physical danger
• If it could lead to loosing your job (illegal in the UK I think…)

Ways in which you could hide your relationship

•  Lock your phone, password protect everything
• Avoid doodling their name on everything
• Swear that you two are just REALLY REALLLY good friends
• Always deny
• Don’t post about anything concerning your relationship on facebook, or any other social network site
• Delete your internet history
• Limit the amount of people that know. Only tell those you can trust to keep it a secret.
• Don’t show PDA
• Control when you are seen together in public
• Don’t talk about her/him more than you would any other friend
• Make sure your siblings don’t find out
• Keep your sex toys in a locked box.. and the lube.

Useful websites:

How to keep your parents from knowing you have a boyfriend or girlfriend

how to be in a relationship without your parents knowing

How to have a secret relationship

How to keep a boyfriend that your parents don't like

How to hide a girlfriend if your parents don't like her

how to hide a lesbian relationship

Other websites: 

How to have a healthy gay relationship

Information about gay men coming out of heterosexual relationships

Convince your parents to let you marry the girl of your choice

How to introduce your girlfriend to your parents

Taking your (gay) boyfriend home to meet your parents

Forum: How to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your family

Video: how to introduce your (lesbian) girlfriend to your parents

...................................

To me, it appears that if you are in a situation at home, where you would be kicked out and your safety and comfort could be compromised, it may be best not to be in a relationship. I know, you lurrrveee him. But hard as it is to accept, we have to remember that teenage relationships don’t last forever, and you can have all that messing around, when you leave home (perhaps when you go to university), when you can find your own lgbt circle to support you and be there for you, if your parents disown you. Right now it’s too much of a risk. Self-preservation in the short term is the most important. Be patient.

That being said, I haven’t been in that situation. I can’t really judge. So I hope that all the websites I’ve listed are helpful to anyone that really needs it. 


eli x


ps, I have guest-slave in mind that I will hopefully be able to blackmail into writing a post about her cousin's experience... so will try to get that posted in the near future

Install Locks on Your Bedroom Door

Speaking from personal experience, it is not ideal to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend while you are covered in love bites. Although, having said that, my parents have a rather relaxed view on my dating; it’s rare they would intervene. Mel spoke about us as a family of spiders, and what she wrote was true, but really mummy and daddy spider are quite reasonable.  I’ve been told they might step in if they thought a relationship was abusive, or they were a drug dealer/demon, but there’s an element of trust. If I did introduce them to a complete idiot whom I was dating, I like to think they would have the tact not to ridicule him to his face; mocking me later may ensue.

Here’s my list of what not to do when dealing with introductions:

• Do not get caught in bed with them, that is not something your parents need to see even if they are lenient
• At first, maybe a quick hello is better than the huge family reunion; get your boyfriend/girlfriend to pop in and say hi before making a speedy escape, think of it as a pilot introduction
•  Sunday roast is possibly not the best time, those cooking tend to get a little stressed out
• Bribe your siblings with vodka and jelly babies to tell your family nothing but good stories about them, hearing the story of your boyfriend/girlfriend's naked arrest is not the first impression a judgemental parent needs
• For the love of god do not have your parents as friends on Facebook
• Now is not the time to use nicknames unless utter humiliation is your goal here
• If it’s a guy get them to shave, it freaks my nan out if teenagers have beards, I assume other older generations may agree
• Do give parents prior warning, especially if the relationship is lgbt, unless you want your partner by your side when you come out

Apparently a logical combination

I would never judge a partner by how they get on with my family; I understand how annoying my mother can be and how strange my young teenage sister is. Although, perhaps I would look harshly on someone who found my adorable four year old sister annoying, or treated her badly. Luckily everyone seems to love her, poor dumb fools.

Todostrieb,

Please send all nudes to our email address (which I forget)

Spiders, Monkey Brains and Casserole...

The household of Mel is full of Kauai wolf spiders. Not literally, although, I have always wanted a pet tarantula. I mean that, in terms of family relationships we seem to be modelled on this breed of spider instead of Homo sapiens. After mating and conceiving the female tries to eat the male. Luckily my dad has infinite patience and can hold his own. In times of stress or starvation the mother will eat her young. My sisters and I have learnt to avoid my mum while she is dieting. In return when we grow old enough to leave the nest, we too will turn cannibal and eat our parents as a send off.  In other words we don’t get on well.

Say what you like. I think spiders are cute.

Don’t get me wrong, my family of spiders belongs together, who else would buy me a kilo of apples a day? All I’m saying is that we’re not exactly close in the traditional sense. As a result, my mum and I play a game of secrets. The rules of the game are as follows: admit to nothing, give her no information about your life, steal all the teaspoons/keys/plums and see which entertaining events follow.  I never introduce boyfriends or girlfriends willingly. If anyone has read my particular awkward and overdramatic coming out post, you will know that my family drew blood from a stone, discovered the Holy Grail and moved Everest to England before they found out my sexuality.

I have great respect for those families who share every aspect of each other’s lives. I’m sure it’s not all roses and peacocks, so I’m not particularly jealous. But, I must admit, I am curious as to what it would be like to come home and tell my mum or dad everything that had happened that day. I have a friend like that, her relationship with and inability to lie to her mother once resulted in her announcing that she had helped me choose a thong to buy whilst they were eating casserole one evening.

Anyway (I say anyway a lot in posts don’t I?), what I mean to say is that I tend not to introduce my boyfriends or girlfriends at all. After I am inevitably outed by my traitorous bitch of a sister, I’m normally teased for several months at family meals until the next scandal. Granted, any teasing is interrupted by strange debates, arguments or disgusting scientific revelations that only my mum and I enjoy discussing. Did you know that it’s harder for a guy to pee when his bladder is not completely full than it is for a girl? That was an interesting Sunday roast, there were diagrams.  However, all teasing is in good humour. My family works in a sort of Darwinian way, you grow a thick skin around the age of twelve or you spend all your time crying.

The introducing of boyfriends (a girlfriend has never been formally introduced as anything other than a friend) always feels more like offering up human sacrifice. The position of the moon, food and activities has to be chosen perfectly. The boy in question normally squirms and tries to get out of it, having heard my stories of my wolf spider mum. However, in a technique that has taken fifty years of practice, my mum then makes me look like an exaggerating idiot by being really incredibly nice. Do not be fooled. The wolf spiders dig traps, before you realise it, it is too late and both your legs are missing.

I remain, absolutely and 100% sure,
that mummy spider is waiting for my engagement party
to serve my beloved chilled monkey brains Indiana Jones Style.  

In other news, I mentioned in my coming out week post that I was going to come out to my little sister, who I thought may be joining me in the LGBTQ community. Well, I came out to her in my typically awkward fashion. She promptly ignored it and got a boyfriend. My gaydar is, as ever, sadly misguided. 

As always feel free to comment or email at homojournal@gmail.com. We'll be back next week with our Jubilee themed posts...I have a little something about the Queen's knickers planned and hopefully Todostrieb will do us a spiffy patriotic homojournal banner. 

The key here is subtlety...

To some extent, introducing your partner is almost like a 2nd coming out. Before you do this, your family may just assume that it's just a phase, that you're confused or you're just trolling them. However, once you introduce another person into the equation, that changes, because immediately your actions take on a much larger significance in your family's eyes (I mean, come on, now you're wagering other people's emotions; I suppose you could just be a psychopath though).

"I'm just with you for the LOLs."

As such, it's very important to do it right. The wrong approach could colour their opinions of your lifestyle permanently, forever lending your relationships a "Let's not talk about it, maybe it'll go away." air. For instance, if the first time they see your partner they're bent over a table wearing nothing but a nice shirt, they're unlikely to put much stock in your claims that it's a true, emotional relationship, and if they run into your love at the local S/M dungeon, they're unlikely to believe your claims that it's a calm, stable relationship.

Although this is likely going to be sidelined by the fact that your family members apparently frequent S/M dungeons in their spare time.

So, yes, subtlety. Tell them calmly, possibly with said person present so they don't think you're lying hide your crippling lack of success with both sexes. You could even have a BOGOF event, and come out at the same time, but that's really for experts only (however you become an expert in this situation). Hopefully if you've come out already, they can't be too unappreciative. Just do it subtly. This isn't something you really want to do brashly, mainly because if you come out badly, it's awful for you; if you reveal a relationship badly, it's awful for both of you, and having your partner unhappy is something that's (at least according to me) quite frankly unbearable.

It's actually the same as a heterosexual relationship, really: just follow the opposite of my advice on how to come out.

Which means sadly no French maid outfit.

For better or worse, you can contact us at homojournal@gmail.com.

Yours faithfully,

James.

I hope Cretzal read this post, and it made him very uncomfortable.