You have too much to live for

Okay, so maybe you don’t right this second. You lost your job. Your wife left you. You can’t stop cutting. You can’t stop starving. The world is a horrible place. But it doesn’t always have to be. Any second now, someone could knock on your door right…now. Give you $1,000,000,000/sweep you off your feet/ give you a big hug. Somewhere out there cares, even if it doesn’t seem like, and if all else fails I do, drop me a line in our email and I’ll get back to you from my own email/skype/phone/tumblr/homing pigeon.

Suicide prevention makes me sad, sad that we need this week and sad that so often it fails. The easiest thing to do is confront someone your concerned about if you think they may be suicidal. By confront I do not mean “get better, I am unwilling to help someone with a mental illness who doesn’t try and get better”, I mean make them tea and cookies. Tell them you love them. Let them know you’re there for them. If they don’t want to speak about it, let them know that’s okay too, but you’ll be there for them when they do. Give them constructive things to do and spend time doing useless things like painting with your hands. Do your research, is this person going through personal issues you could help with (don’t but your nose in where it isn’t wanted though!). Or maybe you feel they fit a profile for a mental illness, encourage them to take the first steps in seeking help. There’s no formula for making someone feel better, but trying, even if you fail, is worth the effort.

If you didn’t notice the signs, don’t blame yourself, it’s human nature to be self-centred, just try harder to care about others from now on.

Some tips for emergencies:

·         If you find someone bleeding too much

o   Apply immediate pressure to the wound, don’t be afraid to press hard and hurt you want to stop blood flow to the area

o   Elevate the site of wound, for example, hold an arm above their head

o   Keep them from going into shock, speak to them and try and keep them awake, offer a sugary drink

o   I don’t recommend trying this but coconut milk is isotonic with blood so it can be used as an emergency transfusion

o   To further stop blood flow you can tie a tight bandage (a shoe lace will do) at the base of the limb, but be careful, if blood flow is cut off too long their cells can begin to die.

o   Keep them warm, use blankets and anything available

o   Obviously first you should call 911/999 whatever your emergency number is.

·         If you think someone has overdosed and they are conscious

o   Make them stay awake and walk around

o   Feed them water saturated with salt and hopefully they’ll throw up, make sure they don’t choke though, learn the Heimlich or if all else fails clear their airways manually (it’s not recommended to do this because of the risk of lodging the blockage further down their throat but in dire circumstances you may need to)

o   Again call for medical aid

·         If they’re not

o   Call for medical aid, there’s not much you can do here, try and identify what it is they took and how much, this may make professional treatment easier

o   Put them in the recovery position, if you don’t know it roll them gently onto their side and keep a close eye on them

·         Drowning

o   This is one I don’t know much about I’m afraid, but if there are strong currents do not dive in after them, especially if the water is cold, the danger is too great to yourself

o   Learn mouth to mouth resuscitation, use this

o   Keep them warm, the water will make them lose heat extremely fast

There’s a million different methods of suicide, I’ve covered some common ones, but my advice is no substitute for medical training, lots of schools and universities offer short and often free courses in basic first aid if this is something that keeps you awake at night I recommend taking one, you never know when it might come in handy.

As I’m signing off, if a loved one or someone close to you is suicidal don’t take it to heart if you hear something along the lines of “if you do this, I’ll kill myself” (I actually got this from an ex boyfriend), and yes it is rather hurtful of them to say something of the sort, remember what a hard time they are going through at the moment, it’s not your fault (unless you’re a bully or something in which case stop being a dick) it’s mental illness speaking, they need help, not anger.

Todostrieb

8 Things I have learnt about from my experiences with swinging

That's me, on the right.. 

1) You should always take your own batch of condoms. As many as you have, it's better to be over prepared than under prepared. Don't rely on the dick-owners. Pregnancy (if you haven't already gone through menopause) is no fun. Neither is aids.

2) If people are declining sexual offers from one person, think to yourself "why?". Don't pity fuck, that's how I ended up with crabs. Then I became that one avoided person for a while.

3) In swinging parties, there are going to be loads of naked people. You are going to be naked. You have to learn to be confident with who you are, and not judge other people.

4) Don't over fantasise before hand. Be realistic. If you are a over-weight, middle-aged couple, expect other over-weight, middle-aged people. Don't be disappointed when there are no supermodels with figures like David Beckham's or Pipper's.

5) Don't be jealous of whomever your husband/wife joins. You only have a special emotional bond with your significant other, and the people they (and you) get with at these parties are different. Besides, your partner is less likely to cheat on you and have affairs if you allow him, and give him permission to sleep with others at these parties, whilst you do the same. You both have to be mutually trusting for the swinging life to work for you. Or else it will only disappoint, and end leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

6) Don't partner up with the same person repeatedly. Mix it up a little, go with others, have threesomes and whatever-many-somes. It makes things much more interesting, as well as preventing jealousy and things getting messy.

7) Be nice to the host, RSVP as soon as you can, and take gifts for the host. They are the ones opening up their homes, for you to enjoy, and they are likely to be cleaning up your bodily fluids off the sofa the next morning. If you are a pleasent guest, you are more likely to be invited back.

8) Don't take your children with you.

shall post up my "day in the life of a swinger" sometime later.. I have to go off to work..

eli (alsos, the "my experiences" part is fictional.. and so is my "day in the life" bit.. just to let you know.. Am not a swinger...  )

Install Locks on Your Bedroom Door

Speaking from personal experience, it is not ideal to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend while you are covered in love bites. Although, having said that, my parents have a rather relaxed view on my dating; it’s rare they would intervene. Mel spoke about us as a family of spiders, and what she wrote was true, but really mummy and daddy spider are quite reasonable.  I’ve been told they might step in if they thought a relationship was abusive, or they were a drug dealer/demon, but there’s an element of trust. If I did introduce them to a complete idiot whom I was dating, I like to think they would have the tact not to ridicule him to his face; mocking me later may ensue.

Here’s my list of what not to do when dealing with introductions:

• Do not get caught in bed with them, that is not something your parents need to see even if they are lenient
• At first, maybe a quick hello is better than the huge family reunion; get your boyfriend/girlfriend to pop in and say hi before making a speedy escape, think of it as a pilot introduction
•  Sunday roast is possibly not the best time, those cooking tend to get a little stressed out
• Bribe your siblings with vodka and jelly babies to tell your family nothing but good stories about them, hearing the story of your boyfriend/girlfriend's naked arrest is not the first impression a judgemental parent needs
• For the love of god do not have your parents as friends on Facebook
• Now is not the time to use nicknames unless utter humiliation is your goal here
• If it’s a guy get them to shave, it freaks my nan out if teenagers have beards, I assume other older generations may agree
• Do give parents prior warning, especially if the relationship is lgbt, unless you want your partner by your side when you come out

Apparently a logical combination

I would never judge a partner by how they get on with my family; I understand how annoying my mother can be and how strange my young teenage sister is. Although, perhaps I would look harshly on someone who found my adorable four year old sister annoying, or treated her badly. Luckily everyone seems to love her, poor dumb fools.

Todostrieb,

Please send all nudes to our email address (which I forget)

Giant Puddles Are Fun

Straight crushes, I’m sure we’re beginning to sound very much like a broken record, but it is yet another topic I have little experience in.  All of the rejections I have received I can assure you have been based solely on my personality. The girl I jokingly asked to prom told me “it’s not your gender it’s your personality”. She was probably joking too, to be fair I can be a bitch though, and now I have a boyfriend so really it all worked out roses.

Once upon a time a few of my friends had crushes on me, obviously they all have terrible taste, while I still thought I was straight. Having been in this situation my advice is; don’t be afraid to tell them, I was happier to know and did my best to avoid actions which may have hurt them further. Having a crush is not going to ruin a friendship, if they are truly your friend whom they crush on should not be an issue – the worst that can happen is changing in front of them is a little awkward (but I’m told guys seldom do that anyways). One awkward conversation is worth the potential gains, it’s a possibility you’ll get rejected, I can’t lie, but you never know – they might be willing to give it a try, or are secretly harbouring the mirror of your crush and are too scared to do anything. If the worst comes to the worst don’t be a stalker about it, give yourself some space and time to get over it (ensure you have adequately explained your feelings on the matter though, it hurts to have a friend ignore you without knowing why). Sometimes dragging it out is unnecessary torture to you. It may seem like this is the end of your friendship, your life, or the world. But in a few years you’ll look back and laugh, and if they’re a true friend they’ll be sitting next to you laughing too. Or, if they’re a best friend, at the bar buying a round of drinks.

New life ambition.

My advice to anyone whose friend confesses affection/crush/undying love: don’t be a dick. Seriously, I know where you live.

Lots of love,

Todostrieb

BDSM for dummies

For the people who have always been curious, but too embarrassed to ever research this.

Dom: The person who inflicts the pain/pleasure and is in control. Otherwise known as domme (for female doms). Often given a nickname dependant on the level of the dom/sub relationship e.g. daddy or sir

Sub: The submissive, can be known as pet or slave, again dependant on the level of relationship.

Scene: A scene is a one time bdsm experience - it is possible to enact scenes with people you may not have an intimate relationship with.

Collaring: sub/dom pairs who do more than just the occasional scene may choose to literally put a collar on the sub, as a sign they are in that kind of relationship, normally used by more serious couples.

Munch: A meet up of many like minded people who want to meet potential new dom/subs or just socialise.

Sensation play: literally playing with the senses, normally involves cutting one off (such as using blindfolds) and different textures and temperatures, like ice and hot wax.

Edge play: the dangerous stuff: knives and blood basically  

Contract: despite its reputation for danger and abuse, the people who are serious about this lifestyle are normally very careful to ensure that all parties involved are safe; this sometimes involves a literal contract before, stating what will happen if things do actually go wrong

Soft limits: any experienced dom/sub will have a list of things they do and don’t like, just because you like some aspects of bdsm doesn’t mean you’re going to like them all. A soft limit is something you’re concerned about but would be willing to try given the right situation. For example a dom might be unwilling to try using proper whips until they felt they had adequate training.

Hard limits: things you would never consider. It’s an abuse of trust for a dom to break a hard/soft limit without prior permission.

Safe word: sometimes things do just get too much, a sub or even a dom can yell a word and everything will stop, at once. My favourites are physics related, no one will ever mistake “thermodynamics” as a cry of passion. When using gags often a bell can be used as a substitute for a safe word. NEVER PLAY WITHOUT A SAFEWORD READY!

Vanilla: refers to inexperience, such as a dom or sub new to the lifestyle. Can also refer to non bdsm relationships/sex, a dom or sub may choose to have 'vanilla' sex from time to time. 

Play safe my little readers,

Todostrieb

Revenge....nomnomnomnomnom

As an avid tumblr I see stories every day of the abuse teenage lbgt receive daily, and if instead of a black hole I had a heart, it would break. Lots of these posts have been jokey so to keep you on your toes I thought I’d give some actual advice.

My first idea is to tell you not to listen, they’re not worth it, and they’re idiots who will soon realise the error of their ways. But one of the hardest parts of this is that it is often those closest to you that cannot accept you. Rory's speaking about having crushes on some of his best friends in a couple of weeks time; we’ve all been there, even if you’re straight chances are you experimented a little. I’m looking at you Miu.

When those you love most can’t accept you, it might make you feel helpless. Keep trying! Don’t give up! There is hope they might come round and see your side of things.

1. Try getting another person close to you to explain how they were able to accept it.
2. Inform them, some fear is bred from ignorance, there are many organisations and website out there that can give information and advice. After a quick google my favourite is “Being gay is okay”
3. Give them time, maybe they just need to think it over and realise that your sexuality shouldn’t matter to them
4. If the problem stems from religion (I found an organisation for that too) maybe using religious arguments will work in turn. Love thy neighbour anyone?

Sorry, I’m not an expert, and my advice might not help at all, but if you’re having problems with homophobia, or just plain bullying, I urge you to get in contact with one of these organisations. But if you just want someone to talk to, we’re here….there’s an email somewhere….

Failing all that, here are some nice ideas for revenge:

1. Sewing shrimp into their sheets, it will take them forever to work out where the smell is coming from
2. Pay a girl to meet your parents and pretend to be pregnant, it should put things into perspective from them
3. This is a tad petty but quote them on tumblr and watch the support role in, then show them how bigoted they really are
4. Spam their Facebook, literally write “spam” EVERYWHERE
5. During arguments stay cool, calm and collected, and as a response laugh, it is the most annoying thing you could ever do
6. Train a legion of killer penguins
7. Lace their soup with pepper
8. Offer to make coffee/tea and repeatedly pretend to believe they like it with salt instead of sugar
9. Get an army of your friends to dress up in rainbow sheets and follow them around
10. Sneak into their house a la Amélie and:
1. Put a pin in a lamps wire
2. Change the speed dial to a mental health service
3. Rearrange their drawers
4. Stick chairs to the ceiling
5. Take a psychological shot in the dark and write a note “ I know what you did…..”

Gay Bashing - totally my specialist subject...

At first, the topic of gay-bashing excited me. “Finally,” I said aloud, “a chance to really get into some hard hitting writing. A chance to help people who feel oppressed and down-trodden. Most importantly, a chance to write a great article, better than any of my idiotic fellow bloggers’ measly contributions, get noticed by a publisher, write a best selling book and retire at 28 to a mansion full of naked supermodels and Chippendales. And Ezra Miller. Possibly two Ezra Millers.”

Screw any medical advances cloning would lead to, I want my sex slaves first.

But, just as my (admittedly wildly off-topic) reverie was getting interesting, I noticed an issue. While I definitely come under the definition "gay" at times, it's the "bashing" bit that leaves a little to be desired (I never thought I'd have to say that in my lifetime). Put quite simply, I have no strategies to avoid gay-bashing because I've never been gay-bashed. 

I've often wondered why, and the closest I can come to an answer is that, whenever people have tried, I've taken it in good humour as a matter of reflex. I suppose that's why I can also say I've never really been bullied at all. Someone mocks me for my height, I point out I can easily headbutt them in the groin. Someone says I look and sound effeminate; I let them know that that makes me more marketable in Korea. Someone says my teeth are screwed up, I bite them. 

All in good humour.

While it's almost 101% certain that people have tried to gay-bash me, I just haven't noticed, because I'm used to taking anything negative said about me and twisting into something humorous (or painful for them, which is humorous for me). Also of note is that, out of my group of friends at college, 7/22 are somewhere near the middle or far-right of the Kinsey Scale, with yet more outside of college. Given that a single homosexual has the power to take over an entire friend group with their fabulousness, it can definitely be said that I exist in a world that's far more conducive to straight-bashing than gay-bashing, to the point that some of my friends probably feel actually quite threatened by my existence. 

They're probably quite right to be worried, my bedroom wall is covered in photos like these.

As such, I'm afraid to say that I'm probably not the best person to ask about how to avoid gay-bashing, because I actually kind of feed on it. Actually, I suppose that's the best advice I can give. Treat gay-bashing like fire: yes it can hurt you, yes it can scar you, but it's also a source of energy, and once you're practised in using it to your advantage, it becomes quite fun.

You may also become a superhero.

Once again, homojournal@gmail.com, open to rants, raves, and party invitations.

Until next time, Constant Reader,

James

Rainbow Human Torch should really be a gay meme or something, I mean, come on, it has everything: he's cool, a good role model and he's literally hot.