Straight and Proud (and by "proud" I mean not ashamed)

All week we have been reading about all the nice perks about being LGBT, as well as some downsides. I reckon it is all a bit silly thinking about it, because it is not like we have a choice over it and wouldn't want this week to be perceived as a way of persuading people into being LGBT. I hope we all realise how ridiculous such an idea would be.

Anyways, having said this, I am here to defend heterosexuality (as if it needs defending); so I made a list of what I believe could be considered perks about being straight.

1- I know what I want. 
I may be confused about many things, but my sexuality is not one of them. I like men, always have and - most likely - always will. I didn’t have to go through that weird stage most people in the LGBT community have to go through where everything is confusing and full of "do I like guys or girls? Is the way I am feeling a one-off thing? Am I a freak? Am I ok with this?" ecc. Sure I had the occasional "how do I know I am not lesbian?", but I managed to quickly test and refute that hypothesis. I am happy that at least one thing in my life is certain… or relatively so. By now you must all know about my crazy idea that we are all inherently bisexuals, just to different extents (if not, you seriously need to catch up! Start by clicking here).

2- I know how to get it. 
I admit, this is a bit of a silly point, so I will not waste much time on it. What I mean is that there are  plenty of novels and life stories and advice, even from scientists, on how boy-girl interactions work. So I am more informed on how to "lure my victim into my love trap", and stuff like that (have you not read any girly magazines??).

3- Bodies fit perfectly together, like a glove. 
It is as if our bodies are modelled to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. All is, of course, adapted for reproduction, but I just love that cosy feeling. I mean, isn't it awkward being face to face when boobs smash against boobs and penises against penises? I say so, but I love hugging my best friend - a girl with massive boobs (no Mel not you) -  and boobs are comfy… Okay, that is not the point, you get what I mean, right? Moving on.

4- Saving the human race.
Yes, yes, slightly melodramatic; but if mankind were to be on the brink of extinction, and sperm banks were destroyed, we can repopulate the Earth. Although I guess technically if you are a lesbian you can still have straight sex, even though you wouldn't enjoy it, and bisexuals have no problems, but let's ignore that just for the sake of argument and because I don't have much to say. Previous posts have been talking about how IVF is a perk (though I fail to understand why)... well straight people can have both ;) And by that I mean we can reproduce both sexually or by IVF. Also, the knowledge that the child contains both parents' genes is a lovely feeling, passing on your genes and stuff and knowing that there is a human being that is both you and your other half. I think it is quite wonderful to recognise each other in that cutie face that somehow resembles both at  the same time. Maybe it gives a feeling of accomplishment? I wouldn't know and have no plans of finding out soon (you can sigh in relief hun).

5- Living in peace.
Of course it is all relative, and I do not mean free from war (let's be realistic here). All I mean is freedom from things such as gay-bashing, or be able to walk hand in hand with your loved one without being stared at judgementally (though, may I just add that straight inter-racial relationships are still stared at v.v). Heterosexuality is considered the norm, and it is perfectly (socially) acceptable. In fact, it is what some societies and the church EXPECT us to be like. But let's not get into an argument about how they are despicable human beings.

6- No expectation to declare our sexuality.
As discussed in week 7, I am referring to "coming out". Everyone is considered to be straight until the individual "comes out" stating differently. Therefore, we do not have to face those awkward conversations with family (apart from "the talk" dreaded by every teenager) and friends.

7- Marriage approved by the Church.
Straight people can get married in the Church and be recognised by everyone. Even if I personally don't see why someone would care for the Church's approval, I understand that there are some religious people in the LGBT community who look for acceptance from their respective authorities or whatever. Anyways, at least we get a choice, which is always nice (who has more choice now, huh?)

8- I can donate blood 
Oh yes, to quote one of the questions: "Male donors only; in the last 12 moths have you had oral or anal sex with a man, with or without a condom?" They even ask if you are a prostitute *giggles childishly*.

9- Fewer people to be jealous of :D
If you are in a relationship with a straight person, you have  half the world (more or less) . If he is a straight man, there is no need to be jealous of his male friends (unless you are afraid he might become gay in which case, seriously, stop obsessing). Of course I am only talking in general as I am not a jealous person - when someone is as amazing as me jealousy is a ridiculous concept.

10- More diversity in the relationship.
Just a way of saying how each person plays a different and distinct role in the relationship. Similar to the way, in a gay relationship, one is conceived as the male while the other one is the female. Also, in a gay relationship, and I will just be bold and say it, there can be: wanking, blow jobs, anal. That is all. In a straight relationship, on the other hand, there can be: wanking, fingering, blow jobs, licking, anal, "actual sex" and tit-wank. See? Diversity.

11- The world is our battle field.
What I mean by that is simply that there is no need to go to gay bars or gay web sites. There is a greater chance that a random person you meet and fancy is straight rather than gay. Don't think I need to expand on that, it is really straight forward.

12- Most importantly, I love being straight because like guys and not girls ;)
Which is really all that matters.

So that is my list. If you have anything to add or criticise (I do enjoy constructive criticism), then feel free to comment.

Love,

Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

Repent, heterosexuals!

As a bisexual, my life is quite a good one. I know the most obvious choice of topic to talk about this week is the "more choice" one, but I'm guessing that someone will have mentioned that by now, and, besides, it makes my sexuality sound like a McDonalds menu.

"Right, one same sex partner, one coke. That'll be £2.68."

However, that's literally all people can think of. Even Todostrieb had to take the theme to some rather unusual extremes to think of something to write. And that was what it was like with me; a few failed attempts to write something meaningful, followed by desperately trying to make LGBTQS into a word (I got QUEST if you add in U and E, but what on Earth would they stand for? Underestimated?). It was, in the end, a holiday with some of the Homojournalists (including Cretzal - more on that next week) that gave me the answer. And made me have to post late, but no matter.

I have never met a boring bisexual person, or a boring gay person, or a boring anything-but-S person.

Here's a Google Image result for "straight pride":

Oh my, the fun, the fun.

And here's one for "gay pride":

Feel free to make your own comparisons.

Now, unless you're one of those people who no-one likes, who like the quiet, the bland and the effortless, you know which one's better. I like loud, I hate bland (I douse my food in chilli), and I like excitement and difficulty and adrenaline. And that's why I feel lucky that I'm un-straight - due to the inherent riskiness and fabulousness of being LGBTQ, there's a much higher likelihood that LGBTQ people are much more similar to me, and will revel in the loud chaos of my parties, enjoy the lip-melting spiciness of my food, and will accompany me if I decide I want to climb that hill with an 89° incline. And that's the crux of the matter.

The main perk of being LGBTQ is being with other LGBTQ people, at least according to me.

As always, any complaints, criticisms or recipes involving more than 2 tbsp of chilli should be sent to homojournal@gmail.com,

Yours loudly,

James.

I should clarify: me and Cretzal broke up, and he hates loudness, spiciness and is generally lazy and fat and crap. He also seemed to think it's acceptable to have anal sex with your ex-girlfriend while still going out with your current-boyfriend. Repeatedly.

The Joys of Being Queer

Hello fello Queerdos...

I'm back posting on my normal day, woohoo! *starts dancing*
This week's theme, if you don't know already, is "the perks of being lgbtq..". So I, Eli, shall inform you about some of the perks of being queer!

In my mind, I'm cool like this...

UNO
Queer-ness, is the unwillingness to admit to a sexuality; it is to say: I am all of the above and sometimes not. The first perk you get, is choice. There are plenty of people in the sea.

But if you think about it, you have to subtract the ones that don't like your bait, and ones you don't want to attract.. and the ones that live in a completely different pond or sea or ecosystem, unless you move.. So the choice perk is confusing. I'm not one of them people that holds the capacity of wanting to bang everyone, and I think that gay, bi, straight - whatever you are, only you have the capacity to completely lust over a few people at the same time.

Take for example, being in a gangbang with 9 glisening muscly men. You may be physically attracted to them all, or you may not like the look of some, but still, you will have a select few that you like more than the rest of them. (not that you should be ranking your gangbangers.. you should probably be enjoying it, or calling for help if you don't... ).

Gangbang? No thanks..

Did I make my point clear? - I'm not sure. I have a headache, leave me alone.

DOS
Second perk... being able to be in a non-straight relationship (yes, we're talking girl-on-girl or boy-boy-what-you-call-it).  Jeff Murdoch, on the BBC series Coupling  said "being a lesbian all the advantages of being a man with less embarrassing genitals plus every time you have sex theres four breasts. Two guest breasts and two you can take home afterwards, oh its bloody brilliant."

Don't you want to use me?

It's wonderful. Girls are pretty, well, at least my girlfriend is (*boasts*), and there's no need for birth-control. As Mel pointed out earlier, you can't get your gay lover pregnant! Think of all the teenage fun you can have..

TRES
That brings us onto the third perk: Artificial insemination!! (If I chose to do it the gay way).
No normal straight couple will be able to feel the joy of sticking a turkey basen in your baking hole to create a two legged ball of cuteness. Hazzah! I look forward to it *stares at Mel* you're going first though.. I don't want to risk messing myself up... not that I think it'll be dodgy..... >.<

CUATRO
Knowing who you're REAL friends and family are... because if they can't accept you as the sexually confused strange being you are, why oh why will you want to hang around with them. If they can't accept, you're just forced to move on.

Which is easier to do, when they've kicked you out of the house, or have stopped talking to you.. Your real friends and family will stay by you, no matter what you are, and no matter what kind of thing they find out about you.

CINCO
Also, understanding. Being a minority, you'll find loads of amazing people on the edges of society who have refused to conform to the social norm and just shine... for example, look at us wonderful Homos..

Dammit, I'm the chubby mouse, aren't I ¬¬

SEIS
Sixthly, spreading awkwardness, and getting stared at in public. It's like being Madonna. It's fabulous.. *hides behind Mel*

SIETE
We homos can wave the rainbow flag! Also, gay bars, and Birmingham, and the PRIDE!!

Rub some gay on you...

....

I laugh at how each explanation gets shorter and shorter..

Send me all hate mail at homojournal@gmail.com

eli x

The Perks of Being LBT/BLT

When asked to write about the perks of being a lettuce, bacon and tomato chunk of hunky deliciousness I was initially surprised as sandwiches are sidelined, ignored at the bottom of bags, and devoured. We are ostracised. Left at the back of fridges half eaten. This is my story.

I was a mistake. My parents told me from an early age. A drunken mistake. I was born from the dark depths of the caverns of leftovers in the fridge. They never wanted me, a strange mixture of health food and calorific bacon.  After maturing for a few long hours, they came to finally appreciate my subtle mix of flavours, the juxtaposition between the crunchy freshness of the lettuce and the smokey undertones of bacon.

nomnomnom

In fact my popularity has spread, slowly but surely, I am now considered one of the most prestigious sandwiches around, you might even call me a celebrity of sorts.  The whole country knows my name; I have met the lips of the very queen herself.  I can keep for a few days in the icy expanses of the refrigerator, an unusually long life time in comparison with those inferior, soggy, sandwiches.

My celebrity status had brought me unwanted attention, sure, but it carried with it a few perks; the prestige, I can part seas of plain bread with but a look. The quality, only the best ingredients are used, smoked bacon, crisp lettuce, organic butter and sun ripened tomatoes. Purpose in life, how many people can really be certain what the point to existence is, mine is simple and easy to fulfil. Be delicious.

Todostrieb,

Please send all death threats to homojounal@gmail.com

Big thanks to Mel who came up with this idea.

The 3 constants in life: change, choice and Homo-Journal

The perks of bisexuality are endless. I, being a bisexual female, enjoy many advantages you mere mortals cannot comprehend. Allow me to list a few:

1. Things don’t get awkward when my male work colleagues rate girls, wolf whistle or attempt chat them up.
2. Things don’t get awkward when my female work colleagues rate guys, wolf whistle or attempt chat them up.
3. A larger dating pool of both male and females.
4. More leeway in my sense of fashion. Nobody has yet questioned my varying styles.
5. More leeway with my hairstyles. Nobody questioned the shaved head incident, which was in hindsight perhaps a mistake.
6. I can make out with my girlfriend in school as much as I like without getting told off. Teachers tend to feel slightly awkward and don’t interfere for worry of looking homophobic.
7. Lesbian sex.
8. Straight sex.
9. Having an excuse to go to gay pride every year.
10. Feeling smug and superior to the masses that have yet to appreciate the beauty of the female form or penis.

Now in all fairness we must list the downsides:

1. The awkwardness of coming out. See week 6 for our coming out stories.
2. Having to assume people are straight until given evidence otherwise.
3. Fancying straight females or gay males.
4. Earning the frowns of the older generations and homophobes.
5. There is never a bisexual box to tick on forms. Only gay or straight. It is very very hard to decide.
6. People who assume you are a slut.
7. People who think bisexuals are just indecisive gays or that it is an experiment.
8. Marriage. We’ll pick this up in a later week. But it’s a very sensitive issue to me. If I wanted to marry a woman I could not stand up in church and declare my love for her in the eyes of God.
9. Having identity crises with alarming regularity.
10. The strange crowd of people who suddenly get bi-curious if you hang around them too long.

So as you can see being a member of the LGBTQ community has its downsides too.

This seems like the opportune time to address the choice issue. Do we choose to be queer? Is it a lifestyle choice? Are we inflicting this on ourselves? The answer is yes only if you believe we can choose who to love. Anybody who has ever had an unrequited love (oh wait, that’s everyone) will know that’s not the case. I don’t choose who I love any more than I manipulate my own blood type.

Looking at those two lists in a detached way it is fair to say that the downsides might put you off being bisexual. My list of downsides is not nearly as bad as some people face and it’s still a little daunting. So, logic says I should give it all up and become straight. And how would I feel about that? God dammed awful. I am bisexual. I can’t change that and shouldn’t want to.

So fare thee well until next week, lots of love,
Mel

I don't have to worry about getting some girl pregnant...

James has been swallowed by the Peak District, so I get to post a few days early again :D

As I sit here writing this, weeks before it gets published, listening to the London Symphony Orchestra's cover of Bohemian Rhapsody and Eye of the Tiger (seriously, they're amazing, go and listen to it), I find myself struggling to come up with perks about being gay, aside from not having to worry about getting some girl pregnant. Because, lets face it, girls are ikky.

This rather obvious fact comes with a very useful by-product: I won't have to suffer those sleepless nights when the devil in baby form arrives after nine months and begins crying because it's.... done whatever babies do - if whoever I end up with wants a baby, we get to skip that stage and adopt one who's approaching the bearable years. How awesome.

Ooooh, Life on Mars. Sorry.

And because of that, there's no 9 month pregnancy break in the sex life either; my partner and I will get to continue in our antics for however long we please, or until our adopted baby needs a new nappy/feeding. And just as Jelly Babies and Vodka are well known to be the recipe for whatever you want, it's also a well known fact that gay sex is just invariably better than its straight counterpart.

On a vaguely related note, neither partner in a gay relationship feels obliged to surrender his coat during a date, nor is it necessary to embrace the 'ladies first' philosophy. Admittedly, this can lead to some awkward moments of you both reaching for the door handle simultaneously to open it for the other, resulting either in an awkward silence in which you both go bright red, or passionate sex in time with The Final Countdown:

As a gay man, aside from the above-mentioned benefits, you also get to help your straight female best friend (because, let's face it, we've all got about a hundred of those) choose her boyfriend, giving you a legitimate excuse to stare at all those guys that you've fancied since Year 8 without either of you feeling awkward. 

I'd like to be able to promise that James will be back with us next Monday, but if the peak district (or even Cretzal) has swallowed him, then who knows when he'll be back with us... for now, I'd just like to leave you all with a shameless bit of self-promoting, and bid you all farewell and until next time.