Pans Labyrinth

My ideal boyfriend or girlfriend. Hummm a tricky one.

Let’s start with girlfriend, that's easy. I guess she’d be a little shorter than me, half Japanese, with sharp teeth and massive eyes. Oh wait that’s Eli. What a coincidence, we’re already dating, how convenient.

No, in all seriousness. My ideal girlfriend. She has either small or large boobs, or in-between ones. She has pale skin or dark skin or red skin or blue skin or green skin. She is short or tall, fat or thin. You get the idea. My ideal girlfriend doesn’t exist. There are features that turn me on and things I admire personality wise. But If I stuck them all together in one person I’m sure it would be horrible. The same goes for an ideal boyfriend.

And now for the awkward confession. Being bisexual puts me in a dilemma. I would say I’m 50/50 girls and guys, depending on the girls and guys in question. Which leaves me with a strange desire to date a transexual. I have an appreciation for vagina and a flat chest, yes, but there’s just something about the combination of male and female, dick and tits that turns me on. Cross dressing is hot. A balance of masculine and feminine even hotter.

Does that make me weird? Maybe. Who cares? But that's exactly why I have trouble with the bisexual label. I’m pretty sure getting confused by gender and transsexuals makes me a pansexual. It makes me sound a little like the fawn from ‘Pans Labyrinth’ so I try to stay away from it.

Lots of love,

Mel, your favourite pan/bi blogging God

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Whips And Chains Excite Me.

Ahh fetishes, my old friends. From abasiophilia to zoosadism and everything in between, it seems that in the world of sex, anything goes. Who are we to judge if a large percentage of serial killers get their jollies from -umm there’s no graceful way to say this- piss and shit? And who’s to say that spending time as a table or chair for your master isn’t a valid use of an afternoon?

I have one general rule when it comes to sex: I’ll try anything once.

Of course there are a few exceptions. Anything that is unhygienic and messy to the point of death I’d be reluctant to try. Animals? No thanks. Shit? No way. And obviously anything involving unplanned noncon or minors is a big no no.

And then of course there are the things that I might be up for but would have no desire to discover I actually enjoyed. I don’t particularly want to know if autoerotic asphyxiation is one of my kinks. Where do I go afterwards? There are some things I am probably better off not knowing about myself, lest I get carried away one day. Let’s just say I have enough fetishes to be going on with, without anything involving near death experiences, murder or cannibalism.

Are fetishes normal? ABSOLUTLEY! Even middle aged housewives have fantasies and certain kinks. One of my aunts imagines Edward Cullen while she and her slightly-balding overweight husband are doing the nasty. I cannot approve of a Twilight fetish, but I have nothing against teeth in general.

Now for your entertainment (drum-roll please) some of the slightly less normal fetishes. I am addicted to everything Sherlock Holmes; the films, the TV series, the novels. I even find the actors....well, down right sexy. Whilst idly wasting my time on Tumblr one fine evening, trying not to revise, I found a blog called  Dirty Sherlock Secrets, which sounded tempting. Now, I try not to judge my fellow fangirls too harshly, after all, a relatively large portion of my time is spent reading porn and watching it; but some of the confessions on this website just made me laugh whilst others made me want to weep for what mess humanity has been reduced to.

I thought this was really sweet until I read the last line. My poor poor innocent eyes.

Although...I must confess that I still follow this blog with the same horrible fascination that provokes me to pick scabs, poke bruises and look at roadkill.

Another fetish I struggle to wrap my head around is large age gaps. I’m all for the older woman...or man. A little silver hair is hot. A few wrinkles look wise. I draw the line at Dumbledore porn.

I read FanFiction (Oh God I’m a nerd help me). I will happily whittle away time reading Harry & Draco pairings, Harry & Hermione, Sirius & Remus....in fact I may as well say that I do not judge when it comes to fictional couples, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. EXCEPT...I will never ever read a story that pairs Harry and Dumbledore together in a sexual way. Seriously. Who would enjoy reading about what must be statutory rape, an abuse of trust and a skinny, wrinkly, bearded old man?

Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me sir?

I also want to say, that, despite my obsessions (ok...ok...I admit fetishes) for the Dr Who, Harry Potter and Sherlock fandoms, I do not get off on imagining people who don’t actually exist. Alas, I am partially a rationalist, if I ever tried to imagine getting down and dirty with Buffy the vampire slayer, the sheer hilarity of the situation would soon distract me from my goal.

Now, back to the relevance of this post to the homo-journal. As far as I’m concerned, being bi-sexual opens up a whole new world of fetish and kink opportunities to you. I can actually enjoy all parties in a mixed gender threesome, and experiment with any other advantages the male and female physique have to offer me.

A word to the wise though, being caught up against a tree in a park is just plain embarrassing.

Whips, chains and hot candle wax to all my readers.

Love, Mel.

PS. It was night-time.

Preventing Gay Bashing step 1: possess a vagina and two X chromosomes

The last bully I ran into ended up with a leg broken in 3 places. Whilst I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement in the incident causing these injuries, I like to think that justice was done.

This idiot didn’t make fun of me for being gay. Nobody has. I’ve never been told I’m unnatural or a freak. Nobody has ever treated me differently when I told them I’m bisexual. In fact the common reaction is indifference, or, in the odd case, curiosity and arousal. Of course, I would never presume that being a bisexual female is turn on for guys; we all know it’s my amazing  tits and personality that create my sex appeal.

The point stands. I have been bullied for being smart (by which I mean being a nerdy know-it-all) and for having a weird looking leg, but have never been treated badly for my sexuality.

I’d also like to think, that if somebody did have a problem with my sexuality, that I would handle him/her the way I would any other idiot: with self-confidence and patience. The small minded are to be pitied not hated. And if that failed I’m sure I could form an army at short notice to defend my honour.

I have held hands with girls in public, I have hugged girls in public, I have kissed girls in public and nobody has said or done anything. I have the right, as much as anyone, to be with those I care about wherever I like...property laws permitting. I’m not suggesting my girl and I have the right to break into Buckingham palace and fuck in the throne room because we’re queer. But I might go so far as to say, that if my beau was a duck I should be allowed to carry him round and quack to him lovingly as long as I did it with respect for those around me.  

We should all have the freedom to be with those we love and to not be afraid to do so. I can’t help but think a male gay couple might have more trouble than I have had. Even if nobody would say anything, or harm them openly, the fear would be there. Do gay bashing types see women as an easy target? After all these years are we still afraid to hit girls? Probably.

Or, perhaps I’m just lucky?  I live in London after all, maybe there are some big nasty gay bashers waiting around the corner for my girlfriend and I. Not to worry though, I can defend her with my ummm ability to eat vast quantities of frozen yoghurt and reach a top B. Yet, I’d much prefer to think that times are changing and queer relationships are being accepted rather than believe that it is only a matter of time and live my life in fear of an attack.

The LBGTQ community shouldn’t be afraid of people’s opinions. We need to go public; we need to show people that our love and relationships are just as natural as those between a man and woman. Ignorance breeds hatred and it’s our duty to eradicate the ignorance.

I am a Christian. Some Christians say homosexuality is a sin. In reply, I say a consensual relationship or love could never be a sin.

I am a scientist. Some scientists say homosexuality is unnatural. In reply, I say that here are some convincing arguments as to why homosexuality is an evolutionary advantage, and research to suggest the chemical processes causing love between a man and woman are also present in queer couples. But essentially, many species have queer sexual relations why not homo sapiens?

I am a human capable of cognition and speech. Some living, breathing and apparently thinking humans say homosexuality is wrong because if we were all gay the human race would die out. In reply, I say I am not enforcing LGBTQ relationships on the unwilling. I am supporting queer as a lifestyle choice....actually I would probably just slam my head against a wall if someone actually said that to me seriously.

Whilst I have never suffered because of my sexuality there are many many many more people who have. And that’s so wrong it breaks my heart.

As always readers, it’s been a pleasure,

All my love,

Mel.

PS. You can now follow the links on the homepage to our internet network (knights from the land of Tumblr, the faithful facebookians and twitters can now rejoice)!