The Royal Puppets, paid to entertain us

This will be a short post because not only do I not have much time, but,  if you read that silly post last Sunday, you will be aware that I am not thrilled about the "Jubilee" theme; in fact, I quote "please kill me now!"

Of course I am not actually suicidal about it, I simply dislike the Royal Family and what they represent. I mean, many asked "what exactly do they do?" The need to ask that question shows exactly how little this family, whom everyone worships, does; except for appearing in public and reading stuff other people wrote for them, they just smile and wave. The Royal Family is only a source of publicity (see image on the right). This publicity may encourage people to do more charity work, sure, but mostly it encourages people to spend hideous amounts of money on events such as "The Jubilee"  or "The Royal Wedding". Let's all bring society and the whole economy to a halt for a week so that we can all stand in awe in front of these strangers whose family once had an active role in society but now are mere puppets doing what they are told to do. Fascinating. What exactly is the point of celebrating how long this woman has being "ruling" over us?

Smile and wave, she looks so happy.

You may think that maybe I am not being fair, maybe they do have a role and I am just not aware of it. Well, dear reader, I thought about that and did my research. Feel free to click on this link for example: http://www.royal.gov.uk/MonarchUK/HowtheMonarchyworks/TheroleoftheRoyalFamily.aspx
As I was reading I couldn't help but notice the incredibly annoying repetition of sentences such as "official engagements", now what exactly are these? Just a fancy name for "they appear in public to make people happy" , because it makes it sound more important. Don't believe me? Read on, show me where any other "official engagement" is mentioned.

Ah, but my favourite is this one: "When official events such as receptions, State banquets and garden parties are held, the Royal Family supports The Queen in making her guests welcome." Well, bravo! Notice how the word "official" is carefully placed in there again?

If this isn't enough, make sure you know just how much they are doing for their country:

"2,000: the number of official engagements carried out by the Royal Family each year in the UK and overseas.
70,000: the number of people entertained each year to dinners, lunches, receptions and garden parties at the Royal residences.
100,000: the number of letters received and answered each year by the Royal Family."

If that is not impressive I don't know what is! They have to deal with  mysterious "official engagements", entertain people AND sign letters! Honestly, how could we ever live without them.

The Royal Family is nothing but a symbol, something that once was, a tradition. I understand that some love this tradition like our little Mel, others support it due to the income they receive, the tourists it attracts. It is true, many people spend lots of money for these events, but wait, I thought we were dealing with the recession and trying to save every penny possible? Is this what we are saving for? To put boats on the Thames?

I confess that the link above is pretty much all the research I bothered to do, but there is more information on that website if you are outraged at my post and want to throw facts at me to prove me wrong. I will await anxiously. Until then, I really cannot be bothered to dedicate  any more of my precious time to the Royal Family (although I do agree with the whole concept of "any excuse is valid to partey" - yes, spelt it like that on purpose).

Love,

Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

All hail Your Royal Gaynesses

Perhaps this week is not the best week to admit that I'm not the greatest fan of the British Royal Family, nor am I the biggest patriot you will encounter. I've just never seen the point in them, apart from the mildly attractive, yet Ginger, Prince Harry, who can arrive on my doorstep any time he pleases. I'm also rather glad I was away in New York (which, by the way, was amazing, thanks for asking -more on that in a moment) during the Jubilee weekend; I got to miss it all. So perhaps it's rather ironic that I was the homojournalist who suggested this week's theme.

I stand by my opinions on the royal family - after 18 years of life, I still have no idea exactly what it is they do, aside from giving us extra bank holidays for weddings and Jubilees. And then I came to America, and I realised how much their royal highnesses are lived abroad. Suddenly, I began picturing myself as a member of the Royal family, and what I would have done if this were my diamond jubilee that the world is celebrating...

I couldn't help it, sorry :p

Now, before I continue any further, I need to introduce Troy to you all. Troy was (still is, I hope) a particularly attractive, rather cute and just generally adorable in every way, waiter at the restaurant next to the hotel I was staying at. My esteemed colleagues will vouch for me that, for pretty much the entire duration of my stay in the Big Apple, I have done nothing else but witter on about how awesome Troy is, and how I want to marry him. That and checking in on Facebook to Central Park and the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State building, and various other New York attractions. I digress.  You'd be forgiven for thinking that I have lost the plot completely, what has an attractive waiter in central Manhattan got to do with my reign? Well, therein lies the answer, for Troy is no longer a waiter in New York City; he and I are happily married and shall be King and King of the universe and all shall answer to us.  (By the way, if by some happy coincidence Troy is reading this, I really hope you a) are gay, b) know who I am and c) accept that we're now happily married and supreme rulers if the universe.)

My lovely husband and I are now celebrating 60 years as supreme emperors/kings of the universe, and all of creation, including the Dalek/Time Lord time war, have a couple of days off to celebrate our glorious reign, much to the displeasure of the economy of life and George Osbourne. Here's what we've done over the past 60 years:

• Ended the 40 year war on homophobia
• Issued all homophobes with an immediate death sentence
• Legalised homosexuality across the cosmos
• Not let David Cameron or George W. Bush Jr. into office
• Forced David Tennant to return to the TARDIS
• Changed the currency of the universe to Jelly Babies and Vodka
• Brought Dumbledore and Snape back to life
• Banned Twilight and Justin Bieber
• Forced Steven Moffat to hurry up with season 3 of Sherlock
• Exterminated Cancer and HIV/AIDS
• Introduced cheap London Heathrow to New York JFK flights so that Troy can go and visit his parents and I can go and empty 5th Avenue as many times as I wish
• Declared Fish Fingers and custard as the national dish of the Earth
• Made all cities as easy to navigate as midtown Manhattan 
• Made all tube maps as easy to understand as the London Underground map
• Declared the Empire State Building as our palace and Central Park as our front garden (the Hogwarts grounds are already our back garden)
• Erected (hehehe) the Statue of Liberty in said front garden
• Declared the 31st of May as a universal bank holiday (the day I first met Troy ♥) 
• Ordered all theatres to offer free tickets to shows on Broadway/equivalent on Friday evenings
• Defied gravity

And here's how Troy and I want our jubilee celebrated:

• Plenty of dancing naked men
• Free alcohol for all
• Lots of food
• Clones of ourselves to take on our official duties while we lie on an empty beach somewhere in the Caribbean making love to each other... And also to Moriarty, if he feels up to it. 

That doesn't look like he's going to say no.

Yours Royally,
Kings Rory and Troy
Emperors of the Universe, Joint First Lords of Everything, creators of the supreme Time Lord race, the only people alive who still know the exact location of Platform 9 3/4

Not Prince Poppycock, but Prince Charles!!

Ah, Prince Charles, eldest son of our great Queen, and our next King-to-be... After hearing his speech, addressed to his mother at the end of the Jubilee Concert, and listening to the delightful way in which he said "Jolly Good", I realised.. our homojournal needs a Prince Charles Collage! So here is is:

Prince Charles in many shades of glory

Yes, I created this monstrosity, and yes, this took forever. I shall have to have it printed, poster-style, and stick it on my wall, as a reward for all the effort... *sighs* The things I do for you...

Some videos 

The Jubilee speech that started this whole post:

Our weather forecast:

How we'd travel to Ann Summers and Harmony:

How to contact him

...for those of you who want to know:

For the Royal Google Maps

According to his website, his official place of residence (along with Margret and his princes') is Clarence house, in London. You can write a letter to the address:

Clarence House, London, SW1A 1BA.

The website also allows you to email/ inquire using the site, but don't expect a personal reply :/

On google maps, there's a telephone number attached to the house description: 020 7766 7303

Who knows? It might work!

Eli x


You know the drill, feel free to email us, and comment, and give us loads and loads and loads of feedback, so we can improve and become better homojournalists :)

The Queen's family tree

Constructed painstakingly by Eli :)

ps, feel free to message me if I've made any errors... I did write "prince Albert" as the Queen's husband for a sec... until I remembered it's been a while since Queen Victoria's rein... 

The Queens Knickers

Elizabeth II at her finest.

Imagine the queen. Imagine her knickers. Not exactly an awe inspiring sight, is it? Not to alienate those among you with a granny fetish, if that’s what floats your boat you could do worse than royalty. Although, I’m under the impression her hair is moulded to her head, so no funny sex hair to be found in your illicit love affair with her.

Now, imagine her in a black corset? DON’T PANIC.

We told you, she was hot.

If you imagined our dearest Elizabeth as she looks currently in a black corset there’s something wrong with you.  “The queen? In a corset??” I hear you cry? Actually it’s a very distinct possibility; she was/is straight laced in both senses of the word.

Her official underpinnings supplier, Rigby and Peller, is also well known as a corsetiere. Perhaps not the see-through lace erotic affairs we see in Ann Summers these days, but a small hint at the forbidden realms of bondage. Which is exactly why the queen, during her sex symbol days, is the perfect mascot for homojournals idealistic view of England. As described by Mel in this post:

“But isn't England all about stiff upper lip and restraint? Handcuffs and gags... illusions and role play, disguise and spies. Fucking outside in the rain...eloquent dirty talk and the corruption of those posh totties?”

Go out loyal readers, make this dream a reality, there’s rain forecasted for the whole week, do us proud.

Todostrieb

And Honey, You Should See me in a Crown

Hello. Hi. Привет. Sveiki. Hallo. Bonjour. Hola. Ciao.

This is me saying hello in some of the languages of our readers, who seem to come from all over. Who knew Russia had such an interest in homojournal? Anyway, the point of this introduction is to say that today is Tuesday June 5^th 2012. In the UK (land of homojournal) it’s Jubilee day! You’ve probably gathered from James’ post that we have a whole range of festive treats lined up!

Picture this. You’re standing in a crowd of people, at least ten or twenty people deep. Everyone is standing in rows stretching unbroken for seven miles, spanning almost all of London’s most famous sights. The national anthem is floating over the wind. You hear cannons firing and planes flying overhead. Flags are waving and people are jumping, standing on tiptoes trying to see. Then it starts raining.

You’ve never felt more British in your entire life. There are cries of mam, mum and marm. An English sheepdog next to you is barking along. Then you see it. A giant boat, covered in royal red and gold leaf. Our royals, they are most definitely ours. Apparently they carry their own colour coordinated umbrellas, who knew? The Queen is wearing all white, like it’s her wedding day. She smiles her grandmotherly smile and waves her fancy little wave.

This is my experience of the Jubilee Pageant. It was amazing. The British public were out in force, some even bought periscopes and step ladders to catch a better view. The crowd was full of heated, very English style debates. My favourite was about the year of Queen Vic’s death. It’s 1902. It’s 1901. You’re wrong. No, you’re wrong. (It’s 1901 folks). And, what British event would be complete without beer and gigantic black umbrellas?

I hear you calling....well that’s lovely Mel, but you’ve clearly fallen into some patriotic stupor, what does this have to do with the homojournal? Well. I said I’ve never felt more British. Darrhling the Union Jack was the pattern Du Jour, and haven’t you heard that red, white and blue is the new black? But, we weren’t all English. We weren’t all white. There was an amazing mix of all cultures, language, ages and creeds. There was also an amazing mix of sexualities.

Perhaps it’s because I notice these things more nowadays, or perhaps the queer community takes more interest in our Elizabeth or something than everyone else? I saw several gay couples and drag queens that were fitting right in. Next to me there was a lovely gay couple who offered to share their beer. And they didn’t even complain when I kept falling into them trying to stand on my tiptoes.

So, all in all. Despite the poor view (my dad ended up picking me up), the poor weather (sweetheart, bad weather is in our blood) and the crowds, it was an amazing day that restored my faith in the British public.

I’d also like us to take a moment to remember that our Liz the second was once upon a time a sex Icon.

I would....

Thanks for reading,

Mel (aka the Queen of everything)

He ruled figuratively, sadly not literally.

I would like to kick off Jubilee Week, a week celebrating our significantly successful Queen Elizabeth II's 60 year reign, by talking about who would have been better at the job.

Ah, the monarchy. No other institution has so much influence yet so little official power. They're like the hot, popular girl in your class; they carry a lot of weight when it comes to swaying public opinion, but they're unlikely to get any real legislation through.

Unless they liaise more closely with the faculty, if you catch my drift.

However, one group in society that they're not particularly influencing is, well, us. Despite a line of succession 20 long, not one single member has graced the British public with even a hint of homo-scandal. Granted, 8 of these people are under 16 (I'm not expecting Isla Phillips to be bi-curious before her 1st birthday), but still, that's 12 people, many of whom have lived very, very long lives, and the closest thing we've had to a gay royal is the rumour about Prince William.

But that's the present day monarchy: boring. 70~ish years ago, one royal was having much more fun.

Would you say no?

Prince George, Duke of Kent was the archetypal black sheep of a royal. Devilishly handsome and charming, he had little trouble wooing whomever he happened to have his eye on (apart from one particularly particular princess), and his sex, drugs and Charleston music lifestyle kept the PR department of the monarchy scurrying around like crabs on crack after him. He had a string of lovers male and female, including but not limited to Kiki Preston ("The Girl with the Silver Syringe" - the Paris Hilton of her day), his own distant cousin, Louis Ferdinand of Prussia, and flamboyant playwright  Noël Coward, with whom the Prince purportedly shared a 19 year relationship (a claim repudiated by Coward's long term boyfriend, but then again that's understandable, isn't it?).

The Prince wasn't a public relations nightmare in the 20's and 30's just because of who he slept with, either. At one point, a male prostitute attempted to blackmail the Prince with excerpts from some... romantic letters that the Prince had written, and on another the Prince was very nearly arrested for prostitution - while dressed in drag, an event that many of us would likely pay to have re-enacted. 

Now this would be our taxes at work.

It really is a shame that he was only 5th in line to the throne. If we could've somehow made the other 4 disappear (for various legal reasons I won't say how), we could've had an LGBTQ King. Just imagine how far ahead we'd be now in terms of sexuality equality if we'd had 20 or 30 or even 40 years of a flamboyant bisexual King reigning over us. We wouldn't even need this blog, because not being straight wouldn't be anywhere near as much of an issue. It'd be like having a blog written by 5 people with green eyes and their brown eyed mascot.

...on second thoughts, maybe old Liz isn't so bad after all.

I rather like writing for this blog.

As always, feel free to harangue us at homojournal@gmail.com, we're masochists like that.

Yours self-centredly,

James.

...I'm going to the Tower for calling our Queen "old Liz", aren't I?