Cakes give you food babies...sex gives you an actual baby

So there's been some confusion this week (more-so than usual) about which theme we're running with. It's either 'sex myths I thought were real' or 'cake'. I figured both were quite interesting so I'll just go with the flow.

Firstly, I'm in uni dorms. Catered uni dorms. There are no ovens. Thus....I BRING YOU...ZE MUG CAKES OF PEACE AND TRANQUILLITY....

Or if you are so inclined....

If you go for the chocolate use real coco powder, not hot-chocolate which has added milk and sugar, which generally, you know, fucks shit up.

Here are the recipes...

http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2011/11/18/8-easy-recipes-you-can-make-in-a-mug/

That page also has a variety of interesting mug experiments for me to try later. And to think! People laughed at me when I bought cooking ingredients from tesco, despite not having a kitchen. 

Confession time...my mug cake looked more like this...

But, it tasted fine, which is better than most of my culinary exploits. So, let us move on.

Sex myths? Are there still any around, I didn't think so. We all get taught sex ed (well almost everyone in the UK does) from a young age. I remember being traumatised by a cartoon couple tickling each other with feathers....in sex ed as a child.

Anyway, over a year ago now, I started a job with a charity called the Terrence Higgins Trust. It was actually set up by Mr Higgins to help gay men suffering from HIV...but now it's expanded to catch, treat and educate about sexual diseases in all young people across the country. Here are some of my favourite sex myths people have asked me about, or told me while I have been working.

1. You can get chlamydia from a toilet seat
2. You can get chlamydia from kissing
3. A condom protects from all sexual diseases
4. Coldsores can't cause genital herpes
5. There's a cure for HIV now

These are all false.

It wasn't uneducated people who believed these, it wasn't stupid people, it was people just like you an me, who just listened to the wrong sources of information.

Anyway children,

Be safe,

Mel

PS//

This is a cuddly chlamydia germ : D isn't he cute?

Journalists: stop ruining my fantasies

 "LGBTQS celebs, is it really our business?"

Yeash, for the most part, we think it's our business. Celebs are on our tele, in out movies, or newspapers... and on our bedroom walls, some of us spend more time looking at their gorious (?) faces than we spend time with our own mothers. But it is one sided, and reading their gossip makes us feel like we are involved in their lives, that we're getting to know them....

But as much as I like the gossip, I am against it for a number of reasons.. Firstly, the effects it has to the celeb's lives...

"Ellen Page has been forced to turn to the LAPD for help after two Twitter users began threatening to KILL her over the social networking site…and once, even by phone" 

and Secondly,  it kinda ruins it for me to know..


Take for example Justin Bieber.. (urgh, I knows, but it was the only person I could think of at short notice). Apon looking at his picture, one may think "Noms, a baby-dyke"..

Then you find out....

N'aw, a cute lesbian couple.. 

And then..

Wait.. What... He' male?

*sighs* Fantasies ruined. 

byes for now, 

eli x

ps: I think JB and selena have broken up.. not sure.. not that it matters... *shift eyes* 

.......................

Ellen Page story source

Mr Potter, Our New Celebrity

Tell me what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

If you know the answer to that off the top of you head, stop reading now, turn off your computer and get a life. Here's a short clip for you, because there is absolutely nothing that is not sexy about Pf. Snape / Alan Rickman.

Anyway, our topic of the week is gay celebrities. In a strange twist of fate none of the actors in the Harry Potter films are openly gay (none that showed up in a google search anyway). Is this because of discrimination in the acting world? Maybe. Is this because actors are the best at hiding their sexuality with their mysterious wiles and ability to lie with their entire bodies? Maybe. Is it because roughly 10 % of the population are gay and there's only about 20 actors the average person can name in the film series? Most likely. I'd bet my money on some of the smaller roles being filled by our fellow LGBTs.

I did uncover some interesting rumours about Daniel Radcliffe's sexuality though. I always knew Harry and Draco were destined to be together. If only the slash pairings that existed online also existed in real life.

This brings me onto my main point.

Ben Whishaw is of course, the main point of life.

There’s a lively and ongoing internet debate about whether Whishaw is gay. The general supposition is that he is – based mainly on the fact that he gave an interview to the gay magazine Out not long ago. Whishaw, himself, though, isn’t saying anything.-The Telegraph

I don't see how I can be frustrated about his lack of public speeches regarding his sexuality (as I've managed to convince half the people I know I'm gay, a quarter that I'm straight, and a quarter that I'm bisexual) but somehow I am.

In his interview with OUT magazine (homojournalists may enjoy the website, which has interviews and ideas for venturing out of the house etc) he speaks about the importance of gay role models for young people. He goes on to speak about sexuality being a transitional thing, that he felt he was in the middle of at the moment. I promptly felt guilty for pushing him to chose a team...even though I have never contacted him in any way. Standing outside his house admiring his new curtains doesn't count as contact does it?

Anyway it occurred to me that all the stress we feel when coming out, is magnified hundreds of times if your famous. There's increased pressure to be a role model (so no stumbling drunk out of G-A-Y in the early hours of Saturday morning), and you don't just have to deal with the reactions of those close to you but also those on the other side of the world. Maybe actors as a breed are also more into self exploration etc? If you spend all day pretending to be somebody else, perhaps it takes a little longer to work out who you really are.

So in conclusion I will with great reluctance leave Ben Whishaw to his own devices. (OK I'll admit to the occasional google). But, if he and Daniel Craig were to get married, I would die of happiness. They may in addition to being one of my OTPs as Bond/Q also have made it to my list of real life OTPs as Whishaw/Craig.

I just want to eat him? Is that so wrong?

Lots of Love Mel

Ps// No post script today

So, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?

Ahahahahahaha my commentary on finding guys and girls to date....ahahahahahaha what poor depraved creatures would want my techniques in dating?

Pretty much how I look and act in real life.

Firstly the guys. Previously I thought the only flirting I did was to act awkwardly until people took pity on me. It has only recently come to my attention that playing with people’s hair and holding hands counts as flirting. Suddenly, lots of things make sense. According to my mum, letting guys pay for my drinks also counts as flirting. Oh dear. Perhaps you would like some anecdotes about my recent dating history with guys.

And my mum calls herself a feminist.... seriously though when did a drink equate to sex....

A guy we shall call S kept asking me out for drinks/dinner/sexual acts...and as he knew I had a girlfriend at the time, and I had only just met him, I assumed he was joking. My put downs got gradually more cutting as he kept asking, and I thought it was a running joke amongst the guys at work. Then one night, he invited me out to dinner, in response I insulted his jogging bottoms. 30 seconds later I got a text from one of the other guys at work who’d been witness to this, saying ‘he’s serious you know’....turns out I’d actually been crushing this guy without realising. Needless to say I stopped feeling guilty for this when I fell asleep on him one night and he bit my boob. Yes readers, he bit my boob....through my clothes, with no provocation.

Another guy we shall call L kept asking to meet up, I thought he meant all the work guys so I went along with it....turns out I’ve now accidently asked him on a date.....I asked him to invite everyone else and he got really crushed. Awkward.

Anyway, so I guess my advice to girls wanting to meet guys is play with their hair and hold their hands....also work in security doing night shifts it’s all pervy guys....I guess you could also just go to a bar on your own and look sad and pretty until someone comes up to you. Alternatively, man the fuck up and ask someone out, or buy a guy a drink.

My advice to you if you are a guy, looking for a guy derives from some very strange chats with 2 gay guys I worked nights with, and admittedly we do talk some shit 12 hours into a 15 hour shift, so forgive me. It seemed that all their cuddle buddies and boyfriends have either been met through mutual friends or through strange dating sites and mobile apps....worth a Google I guess. LGBT socs at universities are also an obvious meeting place for our brethren.

So you might be thinking...you clearly fail at reading the signs with guys, maybe you’re better with girls? No. No, is the sad answer to that. Sometimes I’m surprised I get through life without being hit by buses....yet along meet new girls. My main problem is working out if they’re gay.

Now, a golden rule. All girls will be gay if they are drunk. This doesn’t make them actually gay, and makes the morning after a lot more awkward. Another rule...some girls think it might be cool, or fancy experimenting a bit....the only gay in college types. And, another some girls are actually gay and just shy, or still in the closet.  Finally, some gay girls are just out. Oh also, some bisexual girls have histories with guys that make them look straight. You can see that meeting gay girls is a minefield....

So en sommaire. I’m just going to cry alone in my room and hope that my puesdo date with L isn’t too embarrassing....after one of the most awkward conversations of my life we are no going as ‘mates’ whatever the hell that means. Oh god.

Yours socially awkwardly,

Mel.....queen of awkward accidental flirting

Please ignore anything you know about goldfish anatomy for this next paragraph...

PS...new favourite pick up line I heard today à

There are three goldfish living in a bowl together, two guys and a girl. The girl has some existential anxiety going on. She really wants to get out of the bowl, which has become like a prison to her. One of the guys tells her he knows a way out. But he says he’ll only tell her if she sleeps with him. She doesn’t think she has anything to lose, so they have a night of fun, and when she wakes up the next morning the guy fish is gone. She’s baffled and asks the other male. He says he knows where the first guy went, but will only tell her if she sleeps with him. They have a night of fun and yet again when the girl wakes up alone....so where did the male fish go? I know the answer, but i’ll only tell you if you sleep with me babes : D

It really does get better

Here at homojournal we like a laugh. We muck around, drink more vodka than seems healthy and make the mistakes that lots of other teenagers do. But, we have a serious side. We care about the world and our readers. So, without further ado I begin this week’s more serious topic of suicide. In honour of the suicide prevention week happening right now.

Contrary to popular belief the Golden Gate Bridge is the second most popular suicide destination of all time. Most of us cannot imagine standing 67 metres above the water and then jumping. Hell, most of us wouldn’t jump ten. They say it’s like the 200 people who tried jumping to safety from the twin towers. The people watching couldn’t believe what they were seeing, that these people thought jumping from that height might be the better way out. But, we couldn’t feel the fire on their heels, we can’t possible understand what they were thinking in their last moments. Suicide is like that. Until you are the one standing at the edge with the flames at your back, you can only understand it in the abstract way we understand all mental health.

No-one is safe from suicide. Eminem, Diana of Wales and Halley Berry all attempted (unsuccessfully) to take their own lives. If the worlds brightest and best can feel that way, it’s no surprise that some teens in our situations feel like it’s a viable option. All minorities are statistically more prone to bullying, depression and feelings of isolation. LGBT’s are no exception to this rule. An alarming number of young people from our community committed suicide last year. And, this is something that needs to stop.

So, here’s a little advice for our readers-

Fuck them all.

Anyone who has ever looked down on you, bullied you, or broken your heart will live to regret the day they did.

Live your life. Live it so well that everyone will look to you. Change lives for the better. Be the change that should have come a long time ago.

There are many projects that can give advice and information regarding LGBT teen suicides. For example the make it stop campaign, if you want help or are interested.

There are numbers you can call if you want a chat (google my friends). Or, of course give Homojournalists an email, or a homojournalist of your choice.

Here’s a little song by Rise Against for the ‘it gets better’ project. Which I love in it’s own right, and because of the message behind it.

Remember lovers, it does get better

Mel

Celebrity Celibate Precedent

Celibacy? What is that?

This is one of my weaker areas. So, instead of rambling about concepts I cannot understand- here is a list of things I would try before celibacy.

1. Eating my own arm
2. Yoga
3. Giving birth
4. A history degree
5. Undergo a crucio

Here for your amusement, so celebrities who tried celibacy....note the tried....

Lol daisy duke was celibate

born to be brave....not celibate

I like her new hair....pretty much the same as mine

Lots of love and sleep deprived ramblings,

Mel

Dogging

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Honey, rainbow is so your colour

Work it babes

Well this escalated quickly....

I'm not going to lie. I had no idea what to write about dogging....not without revealing painful memories and traumatising all readers.

Lots of Late Love
Mel

Oh, you mean noses aren't secondary sex organs?

Equality for homosexuals and aliens alike!

I’ve got to be honest I have no idea how this can possibly linked to the LGBT theme of this blog....but I’m going to go ahead and have fun with this anyways.

Clearly I am an alien. I have been here now for 18 cycles, or as you call them here on Earth, years. Approximately 0.5% of your population is actually my species under cover. We call ourselves the Bisexuals. I also fall into several subcategories pertaining to extraordinary wit and intelligence, but we’ll keep it simple for now.

I was a little shocked to find out how few people are bisexual....but I guess that’s because I hang out in the Homo-journal Palace most of the time. If you’re at school one person in your year will be bisexual? If you work on a team of 10 people, half a person will be bisexual? This figure seems a little low, but was taken from a survey of over 30,000 people just two years ago. I reckon it’s to do with age. Maybe more of my generation fall into the alien categories?

I’d now like to refer you to a rather charming conspiracy website....this thread concerns romance, aliens and homosexuality. 

Lots of love

Your Mel

Shiny and New

Are you a virgin? There is no correct answer to this question. In fact your best bet is to skirt around the topic with a vague and suitably charming witty comment. Under no circumstances should you bright red, giggle, or answer too quickly. Under no circumstances should you mumble half heartedly “Uh....kind of”. Such statements will lead to in depth questioning of how you can kind of be a virgin. Those of you who have read our James’ post will know that these vague half virginities are very possible in the queer community. Probably even more so for female than male, as it could be said that there is no penetration in lesbian sex without a strap on....Personally I reckon lesbian sex is all about the intent and orgasm...a casual grope does not a good fucking make. But, each to their own.

So having got that serious bit out of the way, I will now proceed to the main....meat....of my post. Which, seems to be rambling about whatever popped into my head after the topic virginity was announced. First a short story some of you may recognise:

I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through. I didn’t know how lost I was until I found you. I was beat, incomplete, I’d been had, I was sad and blue. But, you made me feel, you made me feel shiny and new. Like a virgin touched for the very first time.

This video is an accurate portrait of what I look like at the end of a 15 hour shift. 

The next thought that popped into my head is of the second most well known virgin story of all time. Mary of Nazareth. (The first most famous is the Miley Cyrus virginity story....she claims sex is magical and healing. Inspiring words Miley, inspiring). Anyway I thought while we were speaking about virginity I’d speak about its evolution. Our holy mother sits nicely in the downturn of virginity, think of it as a recession in sexual liberty. We began our days as liberal caveman, rutting against each other on cold stone floors. Soon we had priestesses whose entire careers were sex related. Women were free to fuck whoever (or whatever) they wanted, in the name of the fertility gods, who would restore barren lands and wombs alike. Then came the economic downturn as it were...the advent of sexual disease lead to a ban on promiscuity. Suddenly virgin equalled pure, and sex before marriage equalled a death sentence. I like to think we’re getting ourselves into a balance between the caveman and the bible these days.

I apologise for the rambling. I have been getting about four hours sleep a day for the last two weeks, and working nearly 15 hours a night. Remember kids....sex is sex not rocket science. But, you only pop your cherry once- so make it count, and always use protection. The virgin birth story just isn’t cutting it any-more.

Thanks for reading pumpkins,

Mel Princess of Flesh and Blood

Two Spice Girls Were Named After Mel

It all started one day when Mel was sat at her laptop thinking clever thoughts. Sadly she was interrupted from these clever thoughts by the homo-journalists, who demanded she take time out of her hectic schedule to attend to Rory’s whims. 

Mel muttered to herself darkly, the homo-journalists did not find this unusual as Mel often talked to herself, it was the only way she could get any intelligent conversation. 

Worryingly, Mel’s first thought was "well if he needs a boyfriend, I’ll do it. I volunteer for the good of humanity to show Rory the ropes." Then she remembered, there was a ‘boy’ stipulated somewhere in the homo-journalists request, and sadly she couldn’t quite fill those cough pants cough. 

So the search began. Except, well that fan fiction was looking pretty tempting right now.....and so five hours later Mel was found past her deadline still laughing about Harry Potter And The Methods Of Rationality. 

Then dundundun Mel had one of those moments of pure genius that very few mortals could ever understand. Fan fiction, the answer to all our problems she thought. It is a well known saying in the gay community. In real life- assume straight. In a fandom- assume gay. Thus Mel proposed we match make Rory with some of the slash fan fiction stars.

Identity Code: RORYBF001	Previous pairings: John Watson MBBS (Johnlock), Moriarty (Morlock), Dr Who (Wholock), Molly Hooper (this pairing has no colloquial name, due to it being inherently crap), The Woman.
Height: 6’0
Hotness factor: Infinite
Fandom: Sherlock
Comments: He can deduce me anytime. Strongly suggest Rory proposes now.

Identity Code: RORYBF002	Previous pairings: Arthur Pendragon (Merthur), Uther Pendragon (Incestuous foursomes may be an added bonus Rory), Gwen (ewww), Morgana (slightly less eww), The dragon (we don’t judge).
Height: 6’1
Hotness factor: Magical
Fandom: Merlin
Comments: We all know that magical powers are essential for anal sex of any kind. Have you not read any Drarry?

Identity Code: RORYBF003	Previous pairings: The Tardis (who cares about physical relationships anyway), Rose (it broke our hearts a little), Rory (see our Rory is already in- he like’s Rories), See comments, the list is too long to complete also SPOLIERS.
Height: 5’11.5
Hotness factor: Hello Sexy
Fandom: The Whoverse
Comments: He’s over 900 years old, think of all the time he’s had to perfect his technique. Also, they don’t call him lord for nothing- well hello SIIIR.

Report conclusion:

Mel proposes MERWHOLOCKRORY.....

Reports secondary conclusion: 

Fire Mel from Homojournal for being certifiably insane.

Goodnight folks, thanks for reading.

Mel

Where You go I Will go, Where you Stay I Will Stay

I'm a good little C of E girl. I bell ring and I sing in the church choir. Every year I get paid to help out at several weddings, here is some of what I have learnt.

1. The reading will always be ‘Love is patient, love is kind....’
2. The priest only prepares one sermon, which they will use for every single wedding in their entire career.
3. Brides wearing heels need to watch the floor; old churches have heating grates that like to eat people.
4. One of the hymns will always be Jerusalem.
5. They will always be between a man and a woman.

Points 1-4 I'm resigned to. Although, there’s a lovely passage in Ruth about what Love is, if anyone straight fancies breaking up the routine for me.  It’s point 5 I have an issue with.

My church has several gay members of the congregation and gay clergy men. One of these charming men came with me to a massive C of E conference to meet our local bishop. At this conference we were mixed up with strangers and split into groups. My group was lovely; we built a church out of pipe-cleaners and started brainstorming about how to bring the church forward. Unluckily for my gay clergy man, he sat next to a pillock who went on the entire time about how it was the churches responsibility to ban homosexuality. Had it been me, I would have dragged the homophobe up to the bishop by his ear, and demanded that the bishop pray for his immortal soul, or read aloud pretty much any of the new testament.

My priest (a woman if anyone is curious) once said to me that she would rather be punished when she died for supporting LGBTQ love, than be punished for condemning it. This seemed to her like good enough reason not to be a bigot. In contrast, one of the gay members of the congregation received a death threat from another member of the congregation, because he had been seen in public with his partner. If anybody is wondering what happened, the threatening letter was handed over to the police by my previous priest and the member of the congregation dealt with accordingly.

As an obviously, less than straight member of the congregation, I find these entire goings on quite concerning. What I’m trying to get across with these anecdotes, is that clearly the church is conflicted. The truly dedicated Christians, in my experience are the ones who will leave the judging to God. They are the ones who give the homeless- even though they may be alcoholic drug addicted whores- money on the street. They are the ones who can ignore passages of the bible that tell us to stone the unfaithful wives, those who’ve had sex before marriage and homosexuals. This has been my experience, but perhaps it is not true for everyone.

When we studied terrorism in philosophy, an interesting point was raised. Terrorists believe what they are doing is right, some believe they are doing the work of their God or Gods. But what if these extremists are misinterpreting their religion, how can we ever know if what they are doing is right? The bible, or any other religious text, doesn’t change depending on who reads it or when we read it. It’s a text or text that should be timeless. To claim it means one thing is to lessen that. To claim objectively that it means we should kill certain groups of people, or condemn them, is to restrict the religious text's applications to just that.

Leviticus, the chapter of the bible which speaks most famously about homosexuality, is also the chapter of the bible which condemns tattoos, shellfish and pork. Many homophobes forget that. I have always believed that the bible has these things in more as health warnings than anything else. I appreciate that Judaism upholds some of these laws very literally, but as a Church of England member, I have come to understand that eating shellfish in the times of the bible would have resulted in food poisoning. Gay sex, even now, has more health risks associated with it than straight sex. Some of this is a social stigma, but part of it is practicality. Back in the good old days, anal tearing would’ve killed you. Though, granted, the fear mongering and death penalty does seem a very extreme warning.

So you can see that religion has many different interpretations. My view is that good Christianity means not judging unless you are actually Jesus. So you can probably put 2 and 2 together and realise that as a bisexual I must support gay marriage. I’m lucky enough to live in England, which means that if I want I can get married in a registry office, and all the legalities of a normal marriage will apply. But to me, lack of a church wedding is the same as saying that our relationship isn’t worthy to be blessed in God’s house. A wedding is standing in church with the people you love and making a vow with God’s blessing. Why should that be any different if who you love isn’t a member of the opposite sex?

Wow, this has been a long post; I guess it’s something I feel strongly about. I used to picture myself married to a guy in my head. Though now I think that was more social conditioning than anything else. I once had a dream that Eli and I were getting married, and we had to find a church that had an isle wide enough for both our wedding dresses.  I’m worried that one day soon I’ll want to marry someone I love and be told ‘No, you can go to a registry office, God doesn’t want you here’.  

My God is a God of Love. Why should LGBTQ love be excluded from that?

Have fun,

Mel

xxx

Mel's Five Minutes of Fame

So five minutes to speak about whatever I want. People have underestimated my typing speed. Underestimated massively.

I thought I might take this opportunity to speak about my holiday. Think of this as a postcard to all our readers- wish you were here, and all that jazz. Some of us homo journalists (four out of six) have taken our better halves (Eli and I haven't quite decided which is the better half yet) to Cannes. This has led to some very sickly sweet coupley moments. Oh sorry did I say sweet? I meant nerdy....A wild Miu has appeared...Todostrieb uses charm....Mel is confused etc etc...Other activities include getting sunburnt, eating tuna and painting the fingernails of Miu's latest conquest. 


It also led to the debate: are we lesbians or are we mermaids? I think we're mermaids, Eli thinks we're lesbians. Although granted, I may fail as a mermaid on account of lack of tail, and I may fail as a lesbian on account of the fact I have been known from time to time to like penis. 

Worryingly there is actually some resemblance to  me and Eli...

Now, by the "mermaid - lesbian debate" what I am really referring to, in a very smart (read "completely unrelated") way, is the attitude to LGBTQ worldwide. Eli and I have had no problems here (the south of France) so far....though probably because people think we're mermaids not lesbians...But, it makes me wonder how things would have been different if I had been born elsewhere. If I had been catholic instead of C of E, what then? If I had been male instead of female, black instead of white, would I still be myself? Would I have been allowed to be myself?


So there we go, five minutes of rambling, about philosophy and pokemon nerdiness with some vague references to what this blog is actually about!


Lots of Love
Mel, not quite lesbian, not quite mermaid but amazing anyway.


PS// Is'nt it worrying how this looks pretty much the same as a post that takes an hour to write? I must spend a lot more time actually thinking normally. 

Cinderella You Shall Go to the Prom

Ah, Year 13 prom. I can almost smell the clouds of hairspray, fake tan and perfume now.  After being disappointingly single at my last prom, this year I'm going all out. Think Big Fat Gypsy Weddings prom dress and gold KG lilah flat gladiator sandals. Luckily for me I’m blessed with Eli as my date. Unluckily for my Nan, it appears as if I am unable to snag a guy for longer than a week, due to some horrific personality flaw or physical deformity.

This is me. You may recognise me from such films as Toy Story 1, 2 and 3.

In my head Eli is a Japanese version of Mulan. I am Belle. Although, granted I only decided on Belle because she is the nerdiest princess. I tried to find a picture to illustrate our princessness but am now scarred for life, tip don’t Google the word lesbian in front of your childhood heroes. In reality I will look more like a potato standing next to Megan Fox....I guess what I’m trying in my roundabout way to say here is that my Prom preparations are much the same as last time round, when I didn't have a date female or otherwise. The only difference is I have shorter hair so the up-do is no longer a necessity and that when my extended family ask if I have a date I stretch the truth a little. I find “No I don’t have a boy friend at the moment” is a nice skirting of the having a girlfriend part of my life.

Doing it the Essex way. Luckily my bitch haircut saves me from the chaviness.

Now, as for my close family, I cheerily admitted going to prom with Eli. My mum said this was the only way I’d be able to look a normal size, when all the other girls will be wearing heels and all the guys I know are now taller than me. My dad told me to make sure I took lots of pictures. A few of us are staying at Eli’s house, so we’re all getting ready together. Not many girls can say their partners advised on make-up, laced them into their corsets and helped test perfumes.

I have no fear of actual prom night, most of my teachers know I have a girlfriend. If they don’t well, they’ll soon find out and hopefully it will be a secondary paedophilia deterrent. All my school friends already know, and I’m supporting the foundation of a Eli and Mel fanclub, so no worries on that front. Perhaps there is a small part of me conditioned to believe that at least one of us should be wearing a tux. On the other hand, after having a dream in which Eli and I got married, both wearing white poofy dresses and walking down the aisle together, I can feel some of my social conditioning slipping away.

A quick word for our less fortunate LGBT brethren. When exploring ideas for this post I came across this title on the guardian website “School cancels prom over fear of lesbians”. Dear lord, fear? What do they think we’re going to do to them? Essentially a girl wanted to bring her girlfriend as a date to prom, so it got cancelled. This doesn't seem any different to when black people were barred from clubs or Jewish people were barred from restaurants. If you agree with that, politely put, you are a lemon and I'm glad that your prom got cancelled because you didn't deserve it. Any lesbians are welcome to come with me and Eli. We will stage a lesbian prom take over, eat everyone’s toes and use their eyebrows for our witchcraft. Luckily this story did spawn some rather funny motivational posters, I have included for your enjoyment.

Much love, white wine, balloons and dancing,

Your Mel x

Dessert + Sex = Heaven

First of all I would like to apologise for not posting yesterday (because it is 1:30am). As Eli nicely explained, we experienced some technical difficulties (by that we mean I was abducted by an evil monster which I have now killed, but the government said this was classified information so ssshhh it's a secret). I also wanted to point out that Saturday the 23rd was the 100th anniversary of Alan Turing (Google was very entertaining on this day). You may be wondering why this matters, so let me enlighten you. Alan Turing was, not only one of the greatest intellects of the 20th century, but also a practicing homosexual. This was illegal in the UK at the time, and lead our dear Alan to commit suicide, following his conviction for "gross indecency". This is also a reason why Turing's work was not fully recognised or published until after homosexuality was decriminalised. I find it a very sad story, and one cannot help but wonder what else he could have achieved if he had lived his life naturally (and by that I mean if he had not killed himself not if he were straight). Nevertheless, this is also a reminder that, although there are still struggles and issues surrounding homosexuality, there has been a lot of progress since Turing's time. Now before I get into some sobby speech about hope and equality, let's get on with the theme.

Unfortunately I was not able to go to Ann Summers with my fellow homojournalist, because that day I was called to stop a meteor which very nearly destroyed our lovely planet (once again, it's a secret). Therefore I had to use something I had already purchased from the same Ann Summers: Body Paint, not exactly a sweet but close enough (I like being a rebel).

Report Summary

Number of items: 2
Item(s) reviewed: Body Paint
Flavour: - Nookies & Cream
                - Chocolate
Purchased from: Ann Summers
Price: £5 I think?
Use:  Perfect for getting creative and adventurous in the bedroom. Scribble your masterpiece all over your partner's body and then slowly lick it off. It's romantic, fun and delicious (according to Ann Summers).
Evaluation: See below for further details .
Rating: Nookies & Cream --> 7/10 or 8/10 … I'm an indecisive person
              Chocolate --> 3/10
Further information: Two words, Whipped Cream. Easy and affordable (can be found in any supermarket) and no one will judge you for buying it. It gets a full 10/10. Yummy and Fun.

I will not go through the bother of giving different ratings for different "things" about the product as my colleagues did, mostly 'cause I'm lazy and disorganised (and very bad at rating stuff so be warned), so let me just give you an overview of my findings and my very personal opinion (no, I will not be reporting the "experiment", just my conclusions).

Nookies and Cream

Although I am still not sure about WHAT flavour "Nookies" is (if it is not a pun then I do not wish to know), the picture shows Oreos and I love Oreos. Does it taste like Oreos? Now here is where my (in)capacity to judge food shows… I don’t really know. I'm not good enough to identify the specific "Oreo" flavour but it definitely has some chocolate and cream in it (unfortunately I do not have the product with me so I cannot taste it again or check the ingredients list). Nevertheless I believe it has a very pleasant taste. The texture makes it lose a few marks, simply for the fact that it is relatively sticky, messy and difficult to get completely off. Having said so, it offers a good excuse to either lick it off slowly and thoroughly (sexy) or take a nice shower with your partner (very sexy). It is fun to play with and simply makes everything taste better. It must however be handled with care, and keep in mind its purpose!  Things could easily get out of hand and totally UNsexy.

Chocolate

I love chocolate, I really do, and that is why this was a total disappointment. The flavour! Where to start? Definitely not chocolate! It tastes very artificial, chemical, like plastic. A real let down that has nothing to do with my lovely chocolate. But I must say, maybe the flavour isn't even the worse part. It is a lot more liquidy than it's cousin (Nookies and Cream) and a billion times more sticky! This means it will get everywhere and never come off! It is unpleasant to taste AND to have on your skin; I might even say that it isn't even worth the shower… but I won't 'cause that would be blasphemy and showers are always nice. It is vaguely entertaining if that's all you got, but I definitely do NOT recommend it.

Whipped Cream

Not from Ann Summers and not being reviewed, but I felt the need to dedicate a few lines to it. It is very widely used for various things; he is a simple guy, but with great potential. Tastes good and let's face it, everyone has fun squirting it (appropriate for the situation don't you think?). Just saying, it is less messy then the body paints and way more fun, though you can mix it up with one of the flavours.

Sorry if I kept it short, but I didn't want to get carried away and reveal secrets that should be kept in the bedroom ;)

Love,

Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

Candy Says

Ahhh popping candy... Who can resist the innocent temptation? This week we’re reviewing Ann Summers sweets and the Sizzling body candy was entrusted lovingly into my tender care. Unfortunately all images of fizzing sugary bits and childhood chocolates have now been ruined, but corruption is fun, yes? We homojournalists are all about pushing boundaries (by which we mean pulling at handcuffs) and destroying the pure (by which we mean dragging Rory into Ann Summers to watch the cute awkward look on his face).

Omnomnom sorry for rubbish quality, will use a real camera instead of webcam tomorrow.

My first thought when testing this out, as always with popping candy, was something along the lines of ‘Oh God, there’s been a horrible mistake, I've put loads of fire ants into my mouth’. Which, let’s be honest might distract from your less than innocent intentions. The sugary flavour (it’s supposed to be strawberry but really it just tastes like sugar) soon alleviates that annoying part of my brain so my overall feeling was not one of horror....more amusement. Can sweets amuse you? Yes....especially if this popping candy is used in the bedroom like it’s supposed to be.

After this mild panic, I realised I had not followed the instructions properly...perhaps this was the cause of the fire ant fiasco. Luckily Eli was to hand. Or rather, Eli’s hand was to hand. Before she realised what was happening (poor love) I licked her hand and tipped popping candy all over it. Following the instructions like a good little girl I quickly licked it off. It was fun....but rather....well sticky. As we all know, sex is messy and good sex is messier....but pinkish sugary patches on your skin can’t really be that comfortable can they? I think I read somewhere that sugar is an abrasive too, so no putting this candy near your doodahs and wotsits....

Look at all those microscopic sharp bits. Ouch. 

So...to conclude my review, Sizzling body candy not for me. I got over the weird ‘my tongue is melting’ sensations and the stickiness. However, I was left with this undeniable feeling that there was something impractical about this game/sweet. Then it hit me....returning to tinkerbell from my last post. There’s no way to get this candy on your partners body without looking like a grade A pillock or tinkerbell copycat. You have a few options:

1. Spend 10 minutes attacking the impossible to open sachets with your teeth
2. Sprinkle like you’re Peter Pan and only Wendy can get you to Neverland
3. Look creepily prepared with a pre opened pack
4. Take them by surprise...let the chips fall where they may and hope you don’t blind someone

You see my problem. But, hey, whatever floats your boat.I give this product a tentative 4 boobs out of a possible 10. 

Lots of love Mel

xxx

PS//

You may find some of the instructions entertaining...I won't repeat them here for the sake of the innocents amongst us (granted they may be few and far between). But, as a taster, here are the titles of the 6 games you are supposed to play with the sizzling body candy. Use your over reactive imaginations.

• X and O's
• Spell it out
• Treasure trail
• Tongue teasers
• Naughty Talk
• Guess where

I would like to propose another game called 'how many Ann Summers bags can Mel keep in her room before her mum says something'. 

Goodbye for real this time, with all the love my cold dead heart has to offer.

Garden Swings, Swingers and Tinkerbell...

I outgrew the kiddies swing set in my back garden around the age of sixteen, when I was thrown into the world of leather sex swings and swinging couples. Well, I exaggerate a little, leather sex swings are still on my to do list. Swinging, sharing partners or being in an open relationship are ideas that looks brilliant on paper - like building a set of wings out of feathers and wax and taking a closer look at the sun - but in reality it starts off hot, and before you know it you’re falling through the sky never to be seen again.

So I lied, sue me, that swing set will always have a place in my heart.

The problem, of course, is the green eyed monster. While in our minds it’s fine for our better halves to have as much freedom as they want, in our hearts there’s a little lion that says "rawr" and digs his claws in until it hurts. It starts off fun, makes things interesting, but it quickly becomes a tug and pull on your heartstrings.

Now, to those of you thinking jealousy would be a turn on or that you wouldn't even get jealous, I will give a few words of warning. Some people find it easy to separate sex and emotions, to me sex can be just sex, but it can also be more. Bully for us. This doesn’t mean swinging is a good idea. Jealousy is spawned from insecurity, something even the cold hearted bitches amongst us are victims of.  Sooner or later you start to wonder if those girls’ boobs are bigger than yours, if he likes her hair better and so on.

As a bisexual I suspect there can be even more insecurity rising up from the cavernous gender divide. What if your bisexual counterpart has a craving for washboard abs and goatee? As a girl the only penis I can offer is silver and made of silicone. What if they’re bored of vagina and fancy their chances with a guy instead of a girl? Or vice versa? These are all things to think carefully about when coming up with open relationship agreements.

Human beings are a strange species; we often find the things that can hurt us the most coveted. With that temptation in mind added to my own sluttiness of course, I can understand why swinging is more and more a common occurrence. Playing with fire is fun, but better watch out you don’t get burnt! You’ve got to be careful that the real reason you want to spice things up by swapping partners isn’t that there is nothing left to spice up. Your relationship has to be strong for swinging to work, and, as we all know, relationships that strong are fairy dust.

90% of people in a happy open relationship are lying, maybe to you, maybe to themselves, maybe to both.

So, having put forward my distrust of swingers, I now have to give you the other side of the argument. I have an older friend whose girlfriend has been studying in America. They've been dating for years and at first the separation was hard for them. They both wanted to carry on dating each other but the thought of a dry spell lasting several years was a painful one. After a bit of fumbling around, they decided on what I like to call a "closed open relationship"; like a closed adoption but more confusing. Basically, they do whatever with whomever and don’t tell each other about it. Apparently the secrecy prevents the jealous issue rearing its ugly head. Personally, I think it would just allow my imagination to run wild and drive me mad. Nevertheless, it clearly worked for them; this September they’ll be reunited, the open relationship deals will come to an end, they'll get married and run off into the sunset. 

En sommaire, if swinging is your thing, THINK ABOUT IT. Talk about it, and continue to talk about it after your swinging exploits have begun. I don't mean share all the gory details, I mean share your *shudders with 
horror* actual feelings about it. 


Lots of Love,
Mel
xxx

And Honey, You Should See me in a Crown

Hello. Hi. Привет. Sveiki. Hallo. Bonjour. Hola. Ciao.

This is me saying hello in some of the languages of our readers, who seem to come from all over. Who knew Russia had such an interest in homojournal? Anyway, the point of this introduction is to say that today is Tuesday June 5^th 2012. In the UK (land of homojournal) it’s Jubilee day! You’ve probably gathered from James’ post that we have a whole range of festive treats lined up!

Picture this. You’re standing in a crowd of people, at least ten or twenty people deep. Everyone is standing in rows stretching unbroken for seven miles, spanning almost all of London’s most famous sights. The national anthem is floating over the wind. You hear cannons firing and planes flying overhead. Flags are waving and people are jumping, standing on tiptoes trying to see. Then it starts raining.

You’ve never felt more British in your entire life. There are cries of mam, mum and marm. An English sheepdog next to you is barking along. Then you see it. A giant boat, covered in royal red and gold leaf. Our royals, they are most definitely ours. Apparently they carry their own colour coordinated umbrellas, who knew? The Queen is wearing all white, like it’s her wedding day. She smiles her grandmotherly smile and waves her fancy little wave.

This is my experience of the Jubilee Pageant. It was amazing. The British public were out in force, some even bought periscopes and step ladders to catch a better view. The crowd was full of heated, very English style debates. My favourite was about the year of Queen Vic’s death. It’s 1902. It’s 1901. You’re wrong. No, you’re wrong. (It’s 1901 folks). And, what British event would be complete without beer and gigantic black umbrellas?

I hear you calling....well that’s lovely Mel, but you’ve clearly fallen into some patriotic stupor, what does this have to do with the homojournal? Well. I said I’ve never felt more British. Darrhling the Union Jack was the pattern Du Jour, and haven’t you heard that red, white and blue is the new black? But, we weren’t all English. We weren’t all white. There was an amazing mix of all cultures, language, ages and creeds. There was also an amazing mix of sexualities.

Perhaps it’s because I notice these things more nowadays, or perhaps the queer community takes more interest in our Elizabeth or something than everyone else? I saw several gay couples and drag queens that were fitting right in. Next to me there was a lovely gay couple who offered to share their beer. And they didn’t even complain when I kept falling into them trying to stand on my tiptoes.

So, all in all. Despite the poor view (my dad ended up picking me up), the poor weather (sweetheart, bad weather is in our blood) and the crowds, it was an amazing day that restored my faith in the British public.

I’d also like us to take a moment to remember that our Liz the second was once upon a time a sex Icon.

I would....

Thanks for reading,

Mel (aka the Queen of everything)