Fact or Fiction?

Because I am the culinary equivalent of a sloth I have decided to forgo kitchen tips in favour of rambling about sex myths? And as has been previously mentioned, the rise of google and sex education should hopefully be minimising unfounded horror stories. Although, saying that my main form of sex education has probably been romance novels, which we all know are 100% accurate.

If I know anything about sex (which really I don’t) it’s that everyone is different. A lot of what seem like strange myths or accepted fact can apply so some people but not others. For example, some people really like their ears being blown into….Mike, whereas the vast majority just find it slightly creepy.  Even the internet and your sex ed teacher do not know everything, my advice to you is simply DON’T PANIC.

Something I personally hate is the way sex gets spoken about in lots of magazines, they tend to put a lot of pressure on women to look/act certain ways and generally they focus on what your partner thinks about you. I read a “sex etiquette” article on the Cosmo website the other day which told me I should never have sex if I haven’t first shaved my legs. Seriously? It should matter more what you think, personally I like having shaved legs because they feel really smooth and awesome. Apparently, I should also round down the number of people I have slept with; I understand that it can be intimidating (not that this is an issue for me) but really this seems like a subtle form of slutshaming. It’s giving the idea that it’s wrong for a woman to have sex.  Although, More once had a weekly column where they used Barbie dolls to illustrate sex positions, which I found very amusing.

Embrace your inner slut.

So, remember to take everything you read/watch/hear/see with a pinch of salt. 

Lot's of love,

Todostrieb

That bitch stole my title

I think this is always going to be a case of use your common sense. It doesn't really bother me, apart from watching Mel, who is my actual sister, or Eli who is like my sister…

That doesn't mean to say that it’s okay to whip out the handcuffs on a trip to the local shopping mall though, think moderation. There might be kids watching you. In fact, this should be something that puts you off.

I confess I am probably guilty of too much PDA in the sixth form common room, but that was ages ago. But hey, I have to creep out ex-boyfriends and mark my territory somehow right?  James mentioned parties, I'm not sure if that actually counts as public or not, in our group of friends coming across a mating pair is no cause for alarm. 

No alarm here. 

In respect to LBGT I'm of the opinion your orientation shouldn't matter, do what you like, but if people are actually offended/ feel awkward because of your behaviour (for non-homophobic reasons) it’s still polite to stop. And if you really have to be within a 2cm radius of your significant other at all times, why did you agree to go out where there are other people, especially friends who might demand some of your precious attention? Living in bed is the answer, with slaves to bring you food and drink. 

I've been doing some research on this topic, and apparently LBGT’s find PDA to be a minefield of issues. It’s sad that we live in a world where you might not feel safe holding someone’s hand. I like to think attitudes are slowly changing, in England you’re definitely more likely to be glared at than openly harassed, which is an improvement on a few years ago I'm sure. My advice to you, if someone is glaring skip off into the sunset still holding hands and forget about them.

:'(

Lots of love,

Todostrieb

P.s. Mike wanted an honorary mention, so here it is: we kissed in public once and the kraken only temporarily threatened to destroy Chelmsford, but was tamed by my great and terrible beauty. 

Cheap white wine is good for the soul...

Eli, Rory, James and I are all doing this on the same night; it doesn’t count as drinking alone if you’re chatting online with people right? And also am drinking cheap white wine like the classy bitch I am. I wanted to edit this the morning after because I've written some pretty awkward stuff, which you probably don't need to know. Also drunk me seems to have got confused and answered the questions I chose and deleting others. I've referenced someone called Mike quite a lot because I was speaking to him as I wrote this post, he's kind of my fuckbuddy, but more of a friend. 

Describe each of the homojournal writers in a few sentences. This might fail slightly as I can’t really remember everyone’s code name…someone will have the delightful job of editing all these posts I’m sure.

• James- (insert mean comment about him and my ex here), he puked on my carpet and yet I still find it hard to hold a grudge, this is probably deeply indicative of my personality…
• Mel- she’s my twin and she’s frighteningly similar to me, although ovbs I am the prettier one while she is smarter than me.
• Miu- has an ear fetish, she is probs the hottest homojournalist (and I’m sure I’ll regret saying that when sober) but she is also evil.
• Rory, a Doctor Who nerd, and very good at music, he’s a pretty cool guy though, he braved IB HL physics with me :D
• Eli, one of my best friends, slightly odd…but we’re all mad here, and she’s purdy
• Becky…can’t even remember her code name and I don’t even know her that well but from my Facebook stalking she seems pretty cool.         

     Summarize the entire world LGBT history in no more than 200 words (ie what you think everyone... absolutely everyone should be told)
Gay/bi/trans people are just the same as straight people and people have only recently started realising this.

Embarrassing confession
I once made Sim versions of me and boyfriend (now ex) who were married. 

Your weirdest dream
The weirdest dream I’ve ever had was the zombie apocalypse and they hailed me as their queen, also their leader was my five year old sister :’(. And they threw tarot cards at me which stuck in my flesh…

Happiest moment you can think of (first thing that pops in your mind, no cheating! But fairly serious, don't you dare say stuff "eating a chocolate bar")
Not really sure about this one, I’m a lucky bitch and my childhood was pretty great. Passing the IB while on holiday with friends in Cannes was pretty awesome, but the millennium dome and suchlike with my family was cool.

Would you rather kill someone you love to end a war in a foreign country, or kill someone you hate and thereby start one?
Probably kill someone I love, maybe not devil child my little sister, but pretty much anyone else. I try to think about people I don’t personally care about as someone else’s younger sibling/ parent. Def. I would kill Mike to stop a war (sorry).

Assign a Pokemon to each Homojournalist, and justify it.
Honestly, I’m not a huge poke fan, I watched a few episodes of the original anime but only played the game minimally. Mui would probs be a slowpoke because she’s pretty lazy. Eli would probe be mew because she’s cute but also evil. I’ve always imagined James as Q-bone because he’s skinny. Becky…I really don’t know, squirtle? She seems like a water type. Mel, I could see as a bug type, other than that not sure. I have discussed this with Mike and his spirit Pokémon is a Gengar, which is fluffy and purple….

If you could go back and change something about your life what would it be? 
I have no big regrets (even drunk ones). There’s a few people I probably shouldn’t have made out with, but probably the biggest one is that I should have tried harder to take art (my mother told me she’d kick me out if I did). 

If you were stuck on a deserted island which one book, movie and person would you want to take along?
For the book totally Richard Siken’s book of poetry called Crush. I don’t enjoy rereading fiction that much, but often with poetry I’ll find myself thinking this poem describes exactly how I feel so accurately I need to read it NOW. The movie would be Donnie Darko, I’m not a huge movie person but every time I watch it I find something new to think about so it seems a safe bet, And the person would be Mike, because he’s good in bed, seems like he’d be helpful in a survival situation and can’t be that annoying because I’ve never had a proper argument with him.

Who, other than your significant other, would we have to give you for sexy-times to get you to give us all your money?
I have no significant other at the moment so it’s definitely gunna have to be Barack Obama, whom I could Blackmail and regain my fortune. If that’s not an option than def. John Barrowman, who is fucking hot. I would say Mike, but I don’t think I have to pay him to get naked anyways…

Since I don't have to answer this question and everybody else does, who would you rather 'have'/'do'/etc - Justin Bieber or One Direction?
Justin Bieber, I can’t be assed to remember all the names of people in one direction, so why bother? Justin needs to be corrupted anyways.

Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk
I am pretty lightweight, so I have disgraced myself while drunk numerous times, involving lots of puke. Although this new years eve house party I went to has to top it all.  I made out with three random people, some of which while holding Mike's hand, and then I continued to rip off my own toenail and no one knows how…

P.s.  I know I related these to Mike, I’m not whipped…just drunk.

Lots of love,Todostrieb.

Better Nate than lever

Better Nate than lever

I’m very sorry this post is late! It’s hard to keep track of the silly linear time units called days you mere mortals are so fond of. But at least you weren’t the friends I stood up, who walked around Stratford looking for me for two hours, when I was actually in bed asleep….

I’ve always said I never wanted to be famous; enough people stalk me as it is. Can you imagine not being able to get the post in your ugly (but amazingly warm) fleece pyjamas, without someone taking a photo of you in all your unwashed glory? Your entire personal life would be up for debate, including your sexual orientation, that can’t be fun. I feel like this is one area the press should stay out of, but they don’t for straight people either, so really it’s promoting an equality of a kind.

One of the main issues I can conceive is if you’re not out, you probably aren’t for a reason; perhaps you’re waiting for the right time to tell your family. Seeing it in the headlines is never a good way to tell your family anything.

However there is the positive role model argument, raising awareness for LBGT issues and suchlike and many celebrities do this admirable. Although, surely straight celebrities could do this anyways? I’m especially fond of straight celebs who don’t bother to deny/address/confirm claims they’re gay, because it doesn’t matter to them. It’s not an insult, or infectious disease…so why care?

Really, I would argue it’s something the media should stay out of, but when has it applied that to any other aspect of anyone’s life. Who wants their diet, weight, love life, sexuality, career, friendships and family examined in public?

I shall end this post with a picture of John Barrowman (sadly I am the wrong gender for him….and he’s happily married):

And here’s a link to the world’s longest joke, where my title is from, if you have some time to kill.

Lots of love,

Todostrieb

Lost: One toenail

My lovely new year’s resolutions (not quite the same ones I made while drunk):

• Write homojournal every week, on time, also finish the new banner
• Go to the gym (ha)
• Embrace renaissance style catholic hedonism
• Never, ever,  ever, do this to my foot ever again

It will grow back right?

Happy new year,

Todostrieb

You have too much to live for

Okay, so maybe you don’t right this second. You lost your job. Your wife left you. You can’t stop cutting. You can’t stop starving. The world is a horrible place. But it doesn’t always have to be. Any second now, someone could knock on your door right…now. Give you $1,000,000,000/sweep you off your feet/ give you a big hug. Somewhere out there cares, even if it doesn’t seem like, and if all else fails I do, drop me a line in our email and I’ll get back to you from my own email/skype/phone/tumblr/homing pigeon.

Suicide prevention makes me sad, sad that we need this week and sad that so often it fails. The easiest thing to do is confront someone your concerned about if you think they may be suicidal. By confront I do not mean “get better, I am unwilling to help someone with a mental illness who doesn’t try and get better”, I mean make them tea and cookies. Tell them you love them. Let them know you’re there for them. If they don’t want to speak about it, let them know that’s okay too, but you’ll be there for them when they do. Give them constructive things to do and spend time doing useless things like painting with your hands. Do your research, is this person going through personal issues you could help with (don’t but your nose in where it isn’t wanted though!). Or maybe you feel they fit a profile for a mental illness, encourage them to take the first steps in seeking help. There’s no formula for making someone feel better, but trying, even if you fail, is worth the effort.

If you didn’t notice the signs, don’t blame yourself, it’s human nature to be self-centred, just try harder to care about others from now on.

Some tips for emergencies:

·         If you find someone bleeding too much

o   Apply immediate pressure to the wound, don’t be afraid to press hard and hurt you want to stop blood flow to the area

o   Elevate the site of wound, for example, hold an arm above their head

o   Keep them from going into shock, speak to them and try and keep them awake, offer a sugary drink

o   I don’t recommend trying this but coconut milk is isotonic with blood so it can be used as an emergency transfusion

o   To further stop blood flow you can tie a tight bandage (a shoe lace will do) at the base of the limb, but be careful, if blood flow is cut off too long their cells can begin to die.

o   Keep them warm, use blankets and anything available

o   Obviously first you should call 911/999 whatever your emergency number is.

·         If you think someone has overdosed and they are conscious

o   Make them stay awake and walk around

o   Feed them water saturated with salt and hopefully they’ll throw up, make sure they don’t choke though, learn the Heimlich or if all else fails clear their airways manually (it’s not recommended to do this because of the risk of lodging the blockage further down their throat but in dire circumstances you may need to)

o   Again call for medical aid

·         If they’re not

o   Call for medical aid, there’s not much you can do here, try and identify what it is they took and how much, this may make professional treatment easier

o   Put them in the recovery position, if you don’t know it roll them gently onto their side and keep a close eye on them

·         Drowning

o   This is one I don’t know much about I’m afraid, but if there are strong currents do not dive in after them, especially if the water is cold, the danger is too great to yourself

o   Learn mouth to mouth resuscitation, use this

o   Keep them warm, the water will make them lose heat extremely fast

There’s a million different methods of suicide, I’ve covered some common ones, but my advice is no substitute for medical training, lots of schools and universities offer short and often free courses in basic first aid if this is something that keeps you awake at night I recommend taking one, you never know when it might come in handy.

As I’m signing off, if a loved one or someone close to you is suicidal don’t take it to heart if you hear something along the lines of “if you do this, I’ll kill myself” (I actually got this from an ex boyfriend), and yes it is rather hurtful of them to say something of the sort, remember what a hard time they are going through at the moment, it’s not your fault (unless you’re a bully or something in which case stop being a dick) it’s mental illness speaking, they need help, not anger.

Todostrieb

Homophobic Chickens

The Chick-fil-a debate may have died down a little in the past few weeks but it seems apt to resurrect it for this week’s theme, will someone always be gay? The boycott was not as a result of thousands of people disrespecting the company director’s right to freedom of speech as many mistakenly thought. But rather thousands of dollars of profits were going directly to ‘anti-gay camps’, for lack of a better term. I’ll admit, boycotting a business for a homophobic owner may seem a little over the top on the reaction scale, sure he’s an ass but does his livelihood and many others who also depend on the chain deserve to suffer? In this case yes, he’s not keeping his opinions to himself; by donating to these misguided camps it directly causes anguish to many LGBTQ teens and even adults.

The camp in question, although I’ll admit my research was brief, seems rather a complete waste of money. During the first stage of rehabilitation the idea is not to speak to anybody for fifteen days or so, with no contact with the outside world or the use of any media. This wouldn’t make me feel any less homosexual, just a lot crazier. These places prey on the fears of parents who care for their child but are frightened for them, if you just Google this company, Refuge in Milwaukee, their website is quick to point out how your loved one might be suffering from an unhealthy ‘love-addiction’, even citing cases of PTSD cause by such relationships.

It gets worse as well, some of this stuff is being taught in schools globally. There was a recent case in Malaysia where young boys were entered into a program by teachers who had concerns over their sexuality, often based on mere speculation, during school in the name of religion and ethics. I’ll admit this early targeting system is probably more effective, but ultimately more scaring. I doubt their school mates sympathised.

All my hopes were destroyed when he came out as gay :'(

I'm of the opinion your sexuality is part of who you are, it won’t change. It might take you time to find out what you truly identify as, and phases do exist; it’s perfectly possible to decide you are in fact gay after many years of being bi etc. Programs like these may stamp out any trace of the unusual from your child, but it will be a façade created by fear, no more. They will always be gay, or bi or lesbian or whatever it was you were so afraid of in the first place. You just destroyed any ounce of the courage they possessed to be themselves. Congratulations.

Todostrieb

The One Ring

Unlike the other homojournalists I firmly believe I could be celibate, as long as vibrators etc don’t count, and I had no contact with anyone I remotely liked in any way.

I feel like in principal it’s a good idea, avoiding unwanted pregnancies, STDs, awkward encounters and etiquette, having to buy nice underwear (not that I can ever be assed to do this either way, but a lot of people follow the school of thought “If no one’s gunna see them, why bother?), contraception and sometimes it’s impractical, no one’s parents like to come home and find their offspring with their significant other. 

Personally my parents have a rule, don’t ask, don’t tell. Although a memorable quote from my mother about Eli and Mel, “well, they have the door open, so they’re not having sex”…I’m pretty sure they were sleeping.

There’s also the religious issue, I know devout people can be proclaimed bigots in many LGBTQ issues, but to have sex or not to have sex is an issue that your religion may influence, and you can choose what to do with your own body for any reason you like. Personally, if there is a god, I doubt he likes me much, and he has bigger bones to pick with me than lust. Such as wrath, my second favourite deadly sin, I like them all though really.

There seem to be a lot of downsides to sex in that list, and I don’t want to get personal here but there are also good sides. Aside from the more obvious fact that (most of the time) it feels good, it’s a way to feel emotionally closer to your partner, it’s exercise, it relieves stress, it demonstrates a level of trust in a relationship, in reality sex is a huge part of any relationship, so what happens if you marry someone, then on your wedding night they whip out the ball gag and chains?

I've seen much better rings anyways. 

The whole promise ring thing is, I suspect, just a marketing ploy. Designed to ease the conscience of the media and or/ parents of whoever takes the vow. It seems like putting bells on whistles on a personal choice, not everyone who doesn't want sex needs a ring to prove it. It seems almost like bribery, “here my dearest daughter, I have bought you a pretty ring, but if you wear it you can’t have sex” seems like a fair deal, no?

Such as this one, for example. 

Todostrieb 

The cool skull ring is from Bonadrag, an online store which I fantasise about owning. 

Gay Alien Bloggers from Earth II

Aliens. The reason this post is late. The cause of my foot hurting. The origin of gayness. The root of most conspiracy theories. All joking aside, my foot has started hurting out of nowhere, aliens must have done something then wiped my memory, not that I had a very good one in the first place.

As I write this I am looking at the twitter feed of the second man made probe to land on mars, if there is sentient life in this solar system realistically we would have found it by now. However statistically speaking there probably are aliens somewhere in the universe, it’s scarily big. To use a simple comparison, I know that somewhere in my bedroom is the partner to the sock I am holding. I just don’t have the technology or motivation to find it. Because chances are aliens will either be below us on the development scale, in which case we’d exploit them for resources, which I am morally against. Don’t try to bullshit me about how kind and loving the human race is, the weak get exploited, it’s how society works. The might be more intelligent than us with some pretty spiffy weapons, in which case we get exploited, another non desirable outcome. The last option is they are of the same intelligence, with a planet equally under threat from themselves, in which case we invariably go to war.

The only nice option here is we find a nice dead race somewhere and plunder their home planet of useful minerals with minimal threat to us. Space exploration is still useful though, many new inventions, such as crisp packets, have been created in an attempt to land a man on the moon. Asteroids and meteors can be mined for minerals, there’s a company recently set up to do just that. Satellites are really cool for spying on people, even if they have to adjust measurements for relativity (that’s why your sat navs are slow buggers).

Something that worries me is theoretically there could be another habitable earth like planet also orbiting the sun, directly opposite us, at the moment we have literally no technology capable of confirming or denying this theory, although it is a little farfetched. There could be another you sitting in front of a computer screen reading homojournal less than a few light years away.

Todostrieb

The World's First Gay Windmill

Don’t laugh; my dream has always been to own a fully operational windmill, and have a small café attached selling assorted cakes, warm drinks and yummy fresh bread. We could have a small pen for animals like tiny baby goats and chickens. Each homo-journalist will be assigned a specific role; I will grind the flour and design our superbly cool LGBTQ themed packaging. Rory can drive the giant tractor because it seems like fun and he isn't technologically challenged, like James. Mel will run the shop along with her girlfriend Eli, who will look awesome in a maid costume. In fact everyone will wear cosplay 100% of the time. Miu will muck out the animals. There, everyone should be ecstatic to be given such an important role in the world’s first LGBTQ windmill. I'd say we should paint it rainbow colours and add glitter, but there's something so elegant and quaint about the traditional off-white windmill colour.

Location: Probably Norfolk

My bedroom will be furnished with a superbly cool burger bed, as seen below. It will also feature an ‘internest’ involving a cool desk, a mac pro, and at least three million books. No one but me will be allowed in my personal space, you will all damage the aura. My numerous conquests will be allowed in the room for short periods but under no circumstances may sleep in the burger bed; they will sleep in the guest room.

As far as interior design goes, my dream palace is a far cry from minimalistic, or even stylish. It will be filled wall to wall with a random assortment of eclectic items I have picked up on my travels. Brightly coloured fabrics, cushy arm chairs, a mountain of teacups, creepy paintings, enough kitchen appliances to assemble into a tank, a room entirely full of pillows, a library of antique books,  a patchwork tiled swimming costume, stained glass, pin cushions, crystals, dried herbs etc…

The guest room. Also where all the others will sleep. Also my playroom. 

While I'm on a role here are the other house rules:

• the pool is reserved for skinny dipping only
• all animals must wear cute hats at all times
• cosplay must be worn by all humanoids at any time
• if you finish someone else’s vodka, that’s what the spanking bench is for
• anyone who wakes me up from my at the very minimum 18 hour sleep will also be spanked
• the body field is where the bodies go, please do not leave evidence, I mean scientific experiments in the fridge or similar

I think that covers everything important,

Todostrieb

Fifty Shades of Gay

I know this post is supposed to be about virginity, and it is, vaguely. I’d like to quote fifty shades of grey at you here “and then he ripped through my virginity”. I’d like to assure readers this doesn’t happen, and if it does it’s not a good thing. Even most submissives don’t like agonising pain for the hell of it. I am of the opinion that your first sexual experience shouldn't be with a man twice your age, who your not actually in any kind of relationship with. Call me old fashioned, I may not believe sex before marriage will get you smitten down by god, but I think there should always be some emotion behind sex. 

My main problem with the book is it’s whiny, yes I’ve read worse fan fiction, but the characters are over dramatic and the entire plot is unrealistic. Also it’s not rape, but it doesn’t actually portray a proper BDSM lifestyle you’re given the impression Mr. Grey is an experienced dom, but he loses control and spanks whatsherface without her consent, and without a safe word. This is pretty much abuse, and such a lapse in control does not make for a good dominant.

I still have high hopes for the film though.

Here is some better BDSM twilight fan fiction if you are this way inclined:

To Serve is Divine

Outtakes

Switches and Subs

Todostrieb

P.s sorry this post is late, I was ill L

The perfect sport for BDSM training

I'd like to devote this post to all the hot Olympic judo entrants, showcase particularly well by the cunning v in the shirt of their uniforms.

'oops'

My personal favourite is Ludwig Paischer from Austria, he won a silver in 2008 and his nickname is Lupo, which I assume means wolf. Seriously, who doesn't like to see hot guys beat each other up? It's been in the media for decades, James Bond, western movies, sci fi, Indiana Jones, Rocky....the list is endless really, it's so recurring and popular then surely they're on to something. It probably says something deep and meaningful about the human psyche that we enjoy violence so much, but when chests like these exist, why not?

As James pointed out, this form of controlled violence would make them the ideal candidates for a little BDSM, they can dish it out and stop well before it goes too far making a good dom, or equally they can take a little pain, who doesn't want to pull that cute blonde hair?

Todostrieb

Rory's Dream Guy

Let me see:

1. Musically talented
2. Doctor Who nerd
3. Tall
4. Likes gummy bears and vodka
5. Brunette (I just automatically pair all blondes with brunettes for some reason, adds variety to their children)
6. Appreciates astrophysics, but hates the rest of the physics field
7. Gay

No one I personally know fits these criteria which I have devised for Rory’s genetically unparalleled mate. The closest of my personal acquaintances only fits four out  of seven :/ however, if I were to go out on a limb here the obvious choice is David Tennant.

Pros:

• Doctor who nerd
• Sexy
• Tallish
• Probably knows a little astrophysics
• Almost everyone likes vodka and gummy bears, so he is likely to
• Brunette with pretty highlights

Cons:

• Not gay
• Not certain of musical prowess, but if all else fails could be lovingly ‘tutored’ by Rory

The not gay problem I suspect is one of the biggest issues that face non-straight people today, some people take offense if they get propositioned by a member of the opposite sex, but, as we all know everyone is actually bisexual (refer all questions to Miu).  Remember, it also works the other way around, you could be totally in love with a girl who regrets to inform you is a lesbian.

Come hither my dear Rory

In short, Rory, begin your stalking now.

Todostrieb

Heartbreak Hotel

Gay marriage doesn’t bother me; it’s just the marriage part I don’t like. It seems like a binding promise to love someone forever, I don’t think it’s fair to make promises you can’t keep. Almost one in two marriages end in divorce nowadays and it probably reflects that it’s now socially acceptable to change partners, instead of being stuck with the man your parents chose for you for life.

I can see that marriage is more like a guarantee, it might be a more stable environment to raise and family, and from that point of view I think that gay marriage should be legal, they have just as much right to raising a family as any other couple.

It also seems weird to me that laws can be passed about religion, it seems like the two should be separate, my vote is we get rid of any legislation about marriage and let the open minded priests do whatever they like. How can a government interfere with God's will? If there is a god that is.

I don’t want to get married, mainly because I don’t want kids, they’re evil little buggers. But it also seems like a lot of effort, let’s say hypothetically I thought I could love someone until the end of time, why do I need to stand up in church in a frilly white dress and tell my nearest and dearest that? If you’ve already lived with and loved someone for a number of years, what does it change?

Let’s say I change my mind, which is a distinct possibility, I’d go to Vegas and get an Elvis look alike to marry me in jeans and a t-shirt. Then spend my honey moon playing reckless games of poker and drinking fancy cocktails.

All homojournalists will be expected to accompany me on this venture

Todostrieb

The Universe is Pear Shaped

Imagine you are standing at time infinity, the end of the universe. Hypothetically, if you could see the whole of space time, right from the beginning (and we know it had a beginning otherwise there would be thermal equilibrium) what would you see?

A giant pear shaped blob of stars and galaxies and supernovae and supermassive black holes, probably shining bright enough that you can’t even see it without burning out your eyeballs a la a true angelic form.

omnomnomnom

The big bang theory, supported by cosmic background radiation, begins with a point of singularity. A tiny point, so small you wouldn’t even be able to see it, even if you existed, of infinite mass and density. It then expands, and keeps expanding, at a faster and faster rate (which can only be explained by dark matter), and then what? You get a space time cone approaching an infinite radius? Nope. It curves back in on itself, big masses curve space time, think about a sheet you drop a pear on to, it bends around. The whole incomprehensible mush of space time converges back in on itself.

I want to clarify I do not like pears very much.

Todostrieb

We should not be allowed out in public.

While reviewing the items has been fun (if a little difficult to explain to the parental units), I personally think that the voyage to Westfield in Stratford to actually procure them was far more interesting.

When I left the house on that fateful day, I had no idea of the insanity that awaited me. I honestly expected it to be a normal day for me - friends, sweets and titillation.

Pictured: all three above ideas.

I was wrong. Very wrong. The madness started before I'd even left my home town (which I won't name, for fear of lunati-I mean, our lovely readers visiting unannounced). You see, me and Eli live quite near to each other, so I agreed to wait for her at the train station. I assumed I could wait there in peace, unharried by the weirder members of the community, but no sooner had I set up camp by an inviting looking wall, than I felt a tap on my shoulder. I whirled round, let out a manly yelp, and prepared myself to face the unholy terror that had surely crept up on me with malicious intent.

I found myself facing this:

Look at her, just waiting for a chance to strike.

It was a charming old lady, asking for directions to the hospital, and now very perturbed by the apparently insane young man loitering outside the train station. I gave her directions and she waddled off. Eli arrived shortly after, and I boarded the train with her before any further geriatric muggers could arrive. 

I just wish to clarify something: Westfield is big. Not slightly big, nor big with an asterisk next to it, denoting a hidden qualifier, just plain big. So when me and Eli arrived there, we had no idea where to wait for the others. At the entrance? In the centre? In the Gent's toilets? We had no idea, so we set upon the safest option being directly outside Ann Summers. It was only once Todostrieb and Mel arrived that we realised how we looked. 

Totally innocent?

Here we were, two shifty-looking teenagers loitering outside a sex-shop, and now we'd been joined by two more shifty-looking teenagers. The only consolation was that, as the only male, I must have appeared to others as either the gayest or the luckiest guy in the world, and I'm fine with either of those. Mel rightly pointed out the fact that the staff in Ann Summers were actively staring at us, and that we couldn't go in now, so we skulked off to Pink Berry for fro-yo.

Mine was larger than everyone else's, but also quite significantly not-straight. Fitting.

Over our cold confectionery, we discussed tactics: which shape should we take to enter the shop? Diamond formation? Single file? Had the staff of Ann Summers already called security? Should we abscond with our yoghurt while we were still free to do so? There was much confusion, until, as a group, we collectively went "Fuck it.", and marched straight into the shop.

Choosing the sweets was also an interesting occurrence. The White Chocolate Sperm was unanimously reviled, and Rory had already claimed the Giant Chocolate Willy, but apart from that I think we all wanted to try everything. We'd each point to something, go "Ooh" or "Ah", then point to something else and repeat the process. The actual sweets we ended up with were the result of us beginning to feel like we were overstaying our welcome in the shop.

"Seriously, just set up a tent and be done with it."

Purchases made, we set about the arduous task of waiting for Rory, who was trekking his way down from wherever he lives. Norfolk, Southend, Ganymede, somewhere like that. Meanwhile, I invited Amber (our lady of the lovely guest post) down, for fun and socialisation. While also waiting for her, we came across two gloriously camp people in funny hats:

Identities hidden to protect the insane.

A semi-naked man:

Such a shame, Rory and Miu missed this...

And Mel was cursed by the girl from The Ring:

But it's alright, they're dating anyway.

Then we marched off to Lakelands at Todostrieb's request to look at pots, pans and banana cases. While waiting there for Amber to arrive, Todostrieb tried to take a photo of me, Mel and Eli. Disappointed with the first try, she scolded us and told us to "look gayer":

That's me on the left, standing next to a lesbian couple kissing and being told off for somehow not being camp enough.

Once Amber arrived (sporting a fetching new haircut), we set off to the toy store, because we could:

One is small, fierce-looking and not suitable for children under 3. The other is a Lego character.

Then, once Rory arrived, we headed back into Ann Summers, which by this point was probably filing a group restraining order against us. This, combined with Amber's presence, led to Rory buying his fated chocolate member, Amber buying a lacy dress to wear to an upcoming Fetish Evening, and me buying a lacy mask to wear to the same event:

They didn't have a dress in a colour that suited me. 

Once we'd done that, I think we were unanimous in our belief that the outing should be drawn to a close. We were tired, fraught, and in danger of being exorcised by Ann Summers employees, under the mistaken assumption that we were ghosts haunting the place, so we headed back to our respective homes.

Going out with us is always exciting.

As always, we're available for sexy chats at homojournal@gmail.com.

Until next time (read: tomorrow), dear readers,

James

I think you'll agree, I look rather fetching in my lace blindfold. Amber said it reminded her of a garter. Does that mean my face reminds her of a thigh? If so, what do I say to that? Thank you?

It Burns Like Fire

My review was of “popping candy willies” (link here) I think we’ll all agree on how subtly and tastefully named they are.  Unfortunately, due to my genetic make up, I was too lazy to take photos so instead have included my magnum opus from Microsoft paint and an assortment of clip art as a photorealistic substitute.  I will rank on various aspects out of ten, I suggest mobile readers give up now.

Packaging: 3/10

Honestly, if you gave me ten minutes on Photoshop I could do better, the colour scheme appears to have been devised by James, I mean really, are they marketing these at children? Pink and black akin to their bags might have been a more mature option, rather than a superhero pallet and pop art shading. 

Realisticness: 5/10

I’m going to ignore the fact they’re tiny, because obviously they’re supposed to be, and there’s only so much chocolate I can eat. They once again appear to have attempted making sexual organs cute, and pretty much succeeded. This makes it hard to eat them; it’s almost as bad as the poor little Lindt bunnies: if you can eat them without tearing up you’re a monster. 

Taste: 2/10

The chocolate was pretty average if a little too sweet, the popping candy not so much, unless you like eating fire.

Burniness: 10/10

The ability of this chocolate to give you second degree burns in your mouth is truly unsurpassed.

Overall I would say: don’t buy. If you want chocolate, go buy a bar of galaxy for half the price, and if you insist on chocolate with popping candy in, buy a popping candy terry’s chocolate orange (heaven in a foil wrapper). However it would make for an amusing gift, for someone you don’t like very much, get them to open it in front of their parents. Give them an earnest look and say in a worried voice “these are the ones you asked for right”?

On a completely unrelated note, can someone confirm this article is joking for me?

Todostrieb

Swingers, not to be confused with “singers”

Apparently, we have the sexual revolution of the 1960’s to thank for the possibility of swinging, or swapping partners, but it’s hard to revolutionise something that’s been around since the dawn of time. Human nature is based at least partly on lust, no matter how much you tell yourself your purpose in life is to help the cute fluffy bunnies. So, I'm sure polygamy and partner swapping was around long before then. In fact, I have it on good authority Eskimos “wife-lended”.

Perhaps swinging is the way forward, some studies show that about 60% of people in a marriage cheat, with surprisingly similar data for both the men and women, could it be that we are designed to have more than one partner? And, to once again take the fun out of sex for you, perhaps it’s to have more genetic variation.

It’s been proven that after a while with a loving partner (don’t use this as an excuse to cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend, I’m speaking 3-7 years here) the same physical response, which romantics will refer to as “the spark”, as when you first met is very unlikely to still be there. Swinging or an open relationship could be one of many answers to this. Although, it’s probably a lot less effort to walk to your nearest sex shop and buy a liquorice whip. 

The main problems with swinging are:

1. Jealousy
2. Sexual health
3. Unwanted pregnancy
4. Lack of car keys
5. Religion/ moral objections

If you’re sensible and have a spare set of keys 2-5 are unlikely to be a problem for you. But as Mel pointed out, can you really ever overcome your inner Tinkerbelle? Personally I think not, I have a suspicious nature and not very nice hair.

From the moral standpoint I’m of the opinion polygamy is fine, but it takes a very strong and trusting relationship for both parties to be happy, and that needs to be the aim. Non- consensual polygamy (is that an actual term?) or cheating, I’m against. But humans all make mistakes.

The Queens Knickers

Elizabeth II at her finest.

Imagine the queen. Imagine her knickers. Not exactly an awe inspiring sight, is it? Not to alienate those among you with a granny fetish, if that’s what floats your boat you could do worse than royalty. Although, I’m under the impression her hair is moulded to her head, so no funny sex hair to be found in your illicit love affair with her.

Now, imagine her in a black corset? DON’T PANIC.

We told you, she was hot.

If you imagined our dearest Elizabeth as she looks currently in a black corset there’s something wrong with you.  “The queen? In a corset??” I hear you cry? Actually it’s a very distinct possibility; she was/is straight laced in both senses of the word.

Her official underpinnings supplier, Rigby and Peller, is also well known as a corsetiere. Perhaps not the see-through lace erotic affairs we see in Ann Summers these days, but a small hint at the forbidden realms of bondage. Which is exactly why the queen, during her sex symbol days, is the perfect mascot for homojournals idealistic view of England. As described by Mel in this post:

“But isn't England all about stiff upper lip and restraint? Handcuffs and gags... illusions and role play, disguise and spies. Fucking outside in the rain...eloquent dirty talk and the corruption of those posh totties?”

Go out loyal readers, make this dream a reality, there’s rain forecasted for the whole week, do us proud.

Todostrieb

Introducing the Homojournal Jubilee Celebrations -a typical conversation

Our Jubilee themed banner, a source of great debate. 

Mel:  ‎*Applauds*

Miu: Kill me now.

Eli: What's wrong?

Miu: Was it not clear that I do not agree with the whole jubilee-theme?

Eli: ‎...Since when?

Eli: And Miu, we must celebrate the old.

Mel: Man up Miu. You live in England, You must love the queen....also tea.

Miu: Well I do not, sorry but not all English people must and I am not even English so…

Miu: You guys picked it and it's fine, I simply do not conform.

Mel: I guess you could write about what's going on in Italy.

Mel: What is happening over there anyway?

Eli: Dolce and gibanna are the queen and king, right?

Miu: ‎-.- First of all it's "gabbana" secondly... NEVER and thirdly... we have no monarchy.

Mel: Oh....who do you put on your stamps?

Todostrieb: Speak about the student strikes, or how everyone hates the new government!

Miu: whyyyyy? The theme is the jubilee and how does it have anything to do with homojournal.

Mel: I was going to speak about lack of gay royals...and the royal sex icons and scandals....also was going to mention bra fitting and the queens boobs.

Eli: What about that gay Indian prince? The one that was on telly looking for a man?

James: Nobody write about this man, he's claimed: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_George,_Duke_of_Kent

James: ‎"Both before and after his marriage, Prince George had a string of affairs with both men and women, from socialites to Hollywood celebrities."

"The Duke of Kent is said to have been addicted to drugs (notably morphine and cocaine) – a weakness which his brother the Prince of Wales was deputed to cure him of during the latter part of the 1920s – and reportedly was blackmailed by a male prostitute to whom he wrote intimate letters. Another of his reported sexual liaisons was with his distant cousin Louis Ferdinand, Prince of Prussia; art historian Anthony Blunt was reputedly another intimate."

Eli: Does this mean that next week's theme is "gay royals"?

James: It's just "Royalty", Queen's breast size, which royal you'd bang, etc...

Mel: Harry OBVS.

Todostrieb: Nah def. Kate.

Mel: Her too.

Eli: Ew, they're all gross. I'd rather bang the corgis. And I hate dogs.

Mel: I vote we print screen this thread for our Sunday post....and scribble out names on paint....

Miu: No one who wants to fuck the queen!? D:

Eli: Not when she lies back and thinks of England -.-

Mel: England is sexy. Plus, she used to be fit.

Mel: Bragging rights?

Eli: ‎...Not when someone shouts "Yorkshire" or "bull dog" or "tea!" or "fish and chips" when they cum. -.-

Mel: But isn't England all about stiff upper lip and restraint? Handcuffs and gags... illusions and role play, disguise and spies. Fucking outside in the rain...eloquent dirty talk and the corruption of those posh totties?

James: Quite frankly, the way Mel describes it, I want Mel as Queen.

Mel:  I've been campaigning for years. Finally some recognition.

Miu: Wait... by that James... do you mean you want to fuck Mel? o.O

Eli: I'm in the wrong England, I want to be in that one. *point to Mel and James, in a red telephone box*

Mel: Join us.

Miu: ‎*Hides behind the lamp post with a video camera* this is sooo going on the video section

Rory: Wait, I thought this whole theme was about what we would have done over 60 years on the throne..?

James: I think it'd work better if it was just "Anything "British Monarchy" related", you could do the 60 years thing, Mel can do the Queen's breast size (she mentioned it), I can do the amazing Prince George, Duke of Kent (sadly only by writing about him)...