What a year 2012 was. Sherlock returned to our TV screens and promptly departed again. The Doctor was tragically separated from the Ponds, and united with Soufflé Girl. I went to New York City and met Troy, saw Wicked, went up the Empire State Building and got up close and personal with Lady Liberty (sort of). I passed the IB better than I expected to, got into University, moved to a different country, got drunk more times than I care to remember, and still don't have a boyfriend. The Queen celebrated her Diamond Jubilee and looked on at all the countries she used to own at the Olympics. Wills and Kate are even expecting a child. Gay men married your girlfriends; gay women married your boyfriends. I got a job; Mitt Romney didn't. Homo-Journal was founded, and then we moved into Hogwarts. I even managed to get a four year old kid to shout "D.I.O" at my friend at the fireworks yesterday. So yeah, it's been a good year.
I think that calls for a party.
As with every New Year, people around the world sit down and decide to take their lives and give it a good shake up; they decide to quit smoking, or stop drinking, or lose weight. Some try their hardest to stop eating junk food, others spend their time cutting down the time they spend on social media or online games.
I keep telling everybody that I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but in reality I've spent the last nineteen years of my life making the same or similar ones over and over again: "I will get a boyfriend" replaced "I will come out" some moons ago.
I fear I will end this way too :(
So, in no particular order, here are my constant, unchanging, New Year's Resolutions, so that when I return to Embankment for the New Year's Fireworks in 2014, my friends can point and laugh at me for not having succeeded at any of them (again):
I will find a boyfriend.
I will lose weight.
I will not make any New Year's Resolutions.
I will not run up an £80 tab in the pub after two consecutive nights of student deals.
I will make considerable progress with Grade 8 Piano and Grade x Bassoon.
I will continue to not engage in any form of sport.
I will not run up another overdraft.
I will convince my mum that her buying me a car and paying for the insurance is the best idea ever.
Yours ambitiously,
Rory.
PS// This is being posted by Mel due to some very funny goings on and Todostrieb disappearing. Something to do with Bond/Q fanfiction probably. Or maybe I just think that's the answer to everything now?
Imagine the least sporty person you know. Give them a level of sportyness from 0 to 1, where 0 is "not at all sporty" and 1 is "this guy is the definition of sport." Once you've decided on how (un)sporty the least sporty person you know is, divide that number by a thousand, halve it, divide it by a thousand again, then divide it by four, just for good measure. Hopefully you should have a number with so many decimal places it's practically zero. If not, you need a new calculator. If you do, then that's just a fraction of how sporty I consider myself to be. It will come as no surprise then when I say that I couldn't really care less about the Olympics, nor much else to do with it, frankly - I had to live with hours of delays and plenty of road closures when a little flame went down a road on an obnoxiously large gold stick IN THE MIDDLE OF RUSH HOUR.
However, I will confess that I have a bit of a soft spot for certain sports concerning water... basically anything involving a pair of these:
Forgive me if the next few paragraphs ramble, this photo is directly in my field of vision and hugely droolworthy distracting.
In most cases, I will also have a soft spot for the person wearing them - think Tom Daley or the guy in that photo, or Troy, or Colin Morgan (I'm not sure if the latter wears them, and I'm desperately wishing/hoping the former does). In all of those most cases, I'd rather there was nothing there at all.
I hardly need to point out exactly what it is about this particular Olympic sport which is so attractive - good looking thin guys with just enough muscle, none of whom look like a walking forest and have just enough gear to be able to pull off the above look without a) anything spilling out or b) wondering if there is actually anything under said speedo. I confess, once or twice I may even have considered taking up swimming myself, although weather this was a) to learn how to save myself from drowning if I needed to, b) to get fit and be able to boast a body of above description or c) for the locker-room antics which will inevitably occur, I'm never quite sure. I'm sure one day soon enough, I'll see the light and realise that taking up swimming is of course the perfect excuse for all three options.
I realise I haven't exactly been on-topic for quite a lot of this post - I can still see a sizeable amount of bulge in that photo - so to distract my mind (and yours, if you're not still staring), I was going to point out all the handsome swimmers in this years Olympics, like the charming Monsieur Lefert of France (who, by the way, is competing in the 100m Butterfly, 4x100m and 4x200m Freestyle relay and the 4x100m Medley relay, just so you know). However, as I was scrolling through the photos, it struck me that many of them look like former guests of Her Majesty, and it occured to me that I would have to eat my words about all swimmers being good looking.
So that I don't have to do that, here is further proof that all swimmers are good looking.
Perhaps this week is not the best week to admit that I'm not the greatest fan of the British Royal Family, nor am I the biggest patriot you will encounter. I've just never seen the point in them, apart from the mildly attractive, yet Ginger, Prince Harry, who can arrive on my doorstep any time he pleases. I'm also rather glad I was away in New York (which, by the way, was amazing, thanks for asking -more on that in a moment) during the Jubilee weekend; I got to miss it all. So perhaps it's rather ironic that I was the homojournalist who suggested this week's theme.
I stand by my opinions on the royal family - after 18 years of life, I still have no idea exactly what it is they do, aside from giving us extra bank holidays for weddings and Jubilees. And then I came to America, and I realised how much their royal highnesses are lived abroad. Suddenly, I began picturing myself as a member of the Royal family, and what I would have done if this were my diamond jubilee that the world is celebrating...
I couldn't help it, sorry :p
Now, before I continue any further, I need to introduce Troy to you all. Troy was (still is, I hope) a particularly attractive, rather cute and just generally adorable in every way, waiter at the restaurant next to the hotel I was staying at. My esteemed colleagues will vouch for me that, for pretty much the entire duration of my stay in the Big Apple, I have done nothing else but witter on about how awesome Troy is, and how I want to marry him. That and checking in on Facebook to Central Park and the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State building, and various other New York attractions. I digress.
You'd be forgiven for thinking that I have lost the plot completely, what has an attractive waiter in central Manhattan got to do with my reign? Well, therein lies the answer, for Troy is no longer a waiter in New York City; he and I are happily married and shall be King and King of the universe and all shall answer to us.
(By the way, if by some happy coincidence Troy is reading this, I really hope you a) are gay, b) know who I am and c) accept that we're now happily married and supreme rulers if the universe.)
My lovely husband and I are now celebrating 60 years as supreme emperors/kings of the universe, and all of creation, including the Dalek/Time Lord time war, have a couple of days off to celebrate our glorious reign, much to the displeasure of the economy of life and George Osbourne. Here's what we've done over the past 60 years:
Ended the 40 year war on homophobia
Issued all homophobes with an immediate death sentence
Legalised homosexuality across the cosmos
Not let David Cameron or George W. Bush Jr. into office
Forced David Tennant to return to the TARDIS
Changed the currency of the universe to Jelly Babies and Vodka
Brought Dumbledore and Snape back to life
Banned Twilight and Justin Bieber
Forced Steven Moffat to hurry up with season 3 of Sherlock
Exterminated Cancer and HIV/AIDS
Introduced cheap London Heathrow to New York JFK flights so that Troy can go and visit his parents and I can go and empty 5th Avenue as many times as I wish
Declared Fish Fingers and custard as the national dish of the Earth
Made all cities as easy to navigate as midtown Manhattan
Made all tube maps as easy to understand as the London Underground map
Declared the Empire State Building as our palace and Central Park as our front garden (the Hogwarts grounds are already our back garden)
Erected (hehehe) the Statue of Liberty in said front garden
Declared the 31st of May as a universal bank holiday (the day I first met Troy ♥)
Ordered all theatres to offer free tickets to shows on Broadway/equivalent on Friday evenings
Defied gravity
And here's how Troy and I want our jubilee celebrated:
Plenty of dancing naked men
Free alcohol for all
Lots of food
Clones of ourselves to take on our official duties while we lie on an empty beach somewhere in the Caribbean making love to each other... And also to Moriarty, if he feels up to it.
That doesn't look like he's going to say no.
Yours Royally, Kings Rory and Troy Emperors of the Universe, Joint First Lords of Everything, creators of the supreme Time Lord race, the only people alive who still know the exact location of Platform 9 3/4
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