All the guys I like are straight... :(

Getting your straight best friend to like you in that sort of way is never going to be easy for any gay man. Or woman, for that matter. Unfortunately for me (and, dare I say, probably most of the gay population), it seems to be the only thing I ever end up doing, and all just to be repeatedly disappointed, let down and depressed when they kick you in the face after a trip to the toilet gone too far (this has not happened to me, I hasten to add).

Here's my situation. Since realising I was gay many moons ago, I've found myself crushing on at least 3 of my best friends, and many more random people I walk past on a daily basis in the corridor but have neither spoken to nor discovered their names. I *think* I've only ever told one of those friends how I feel towards him, and it doesn't seem to have dented our friendship in the slightest; it only makes those awkward moments at sleepovers all the more awkward by the occasional presense of an erection. Of the other two friends: one is in a sweet and loving relationship with a girl which unfortunately for me doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon; the other, a catholic who despite not minding the fact that I'm gay, refuses to stay alone in the same room with me without an open door through which he can escape should I decide to rape him, which despite my feelings for him, is unlikely. And now I won't say any more because anybody who knows me well enough can probably figure out who these three are.

True dat.

Even though I know that these three people are straight, in my youthful past that didn't stop me from trying my luck out anyway, despite knowing that I'd just get rejected and depressed. This has led to the following situations developing:

1. At least one of my straight crushes claims he's now been asked out by more boys than girls.
2. A certain awkwardness now dominates the atmosphere when I'm around at least one of my straight crushes, particularly when the conversation turns to something gay or relationship-related (which is always).

Perhaps I'm the wrong person to give advice on these sorts of things, mainly because of my shocking lack of success and/or experience in the relationships department. I stand by Jelly Babies and Vodka as being the best way for you to get what you want and when you want it.

And if what you want really is your straight best friend inside you, be sure to get them pissed out of their minds first.

Straight Crushes, and Pictures of Prince Poppycock

This is Prince Poppycock. Sadly, not me. 

What does one mean when they say “Straight Crushes”?

     a) When you fancy someone of the opposite sex
     b) When you fancy someone that’s straight, but you’re the same gender

Shall talk about a) first.

So, you’re gay, you’re out, you’re proud, and everybody knows you’re gay. But suddenly, you find yourself liking someone of the opposite gender. Panic.

You begin to wonder: Am I really gay? And sexual confusion kicks in .

The problem with these labels and stereotypes that we put on ourselves: sometimes, you’re so so sure that you fit in a box, and then BOOM, you changed shape, and now your body doesn’t fit in that box.

There is such a thing as “HOMOFLEXIBLE”.

ah, farmy animals <3

This is for people who are gay (or lesbian, or whatever you homosexuals like to call yourselves - I like the word “gay” better), who recognise, even though they are 99.9% sure that they are gay, that there might be the odd exception to their gayness, and a special person of the opposite sex may woo them.

So no need to worry folks, maybe that person is your ‘special exception’. And even though it is cheesy, I’m going to quote Marley “Don’t worry be happy”, and also just “go with the flow”(I don’t know where this quote came from). Do what feels right, and don’t think about it too much. If it turns out you're not that gay, it doesn't matter :)

Now, shall talk about b).

"I've met this wonderful guy, but he's straight... and I'm a gay guy..." I hate it when that happens :'( 

some princes like other princes

Life isn't always like fairy tales, unlike how we were led to believe when we were young. It's not always Princes and Princesses; some princes like other princes, and some princesses want their happily-ever-afters with other princesses. However, that doesn't mean that all princes want to rescue another prince, and sweep him off his feet; and that doesn't mean that all princesses want to be rescued by another dress-clad beauty. The happy ending doesn't happen, because you met the wrong prince or princess. You're gay, and they're not. 


Don't hit me, for saying this, but it's never happened to me.. That being said, I’ve fancied many-a-people who were “confused”, some worked, some didn’t. That’s life. Even when they’re into your gender, doesn’t mean they’re into you. Knowing that they’re straight just makes acceptance of the fact that it won’t work out, easier to deal with.

Also, if you don’t go for it, you’d never know whether you have a chance or not. A mistake I make often.

Even if it is widely known that they are “straight”, they may have just said this, to go along with public expectations and normality. They might be in the closet.

Sexual Harassment Panda

That being said, it’s probably not a good idea to just jump on them, and start face-sucking them. You don't want your ass kicked, or be charged with sexual harassment. Maybe say something that can be easily brushed off if all goes badly.

Advice 1: if it’s a no, it’s a no, move on. Don’t push too hard

Advice 2: stay away from trying to woo homophobes, you'll only get hurt.

Eli x


You know the drill, feel free to email us, and comment, and give us loads and loads and loads of feedback, so we can improve and become better homojournalists :)

This is Poppycock again :)


The source of Prince Poppycock's pictures = Gay.net
Read the article/ interview, if you must.

Giant Puddles Are Fun

Straight crushes, I’m sure we’re beginning to sound very much like a broken record, but it is yet another topic I have little experience in.  All of the rejections I have received I can assure you have been based solely on my personality. The girl I jokingly asked to prom told me “it’s not your gender it’s your personality”. She was probably joking too, to be fair I can be a bitch though, and now I have a boyfriend so really it all worked out roses.

Once upon a time a few of my friends had crushes on me, obviously they all have terrible taste, while I still thought I was straight. Having been in this situation my advice is; don’t be afraid to tell them, I was happier to know and did my best to avoid actions which may have hurt them further. Having a crush is not going to ruin a friendship, if they are truly your friend whom they crush on should not be an issue – the worst that can happen is changing in front of them is a little awkward (but I’m told guys seldom do that anyways). One awkward conversation is worth the potential gains, it’s a possibility you’ll get rejected, I can’t lie, but you never know – they might be willing to give it a try, or are secretly harbouring the mirror of your crush and are too scared to do anything. If the worst comes to the worst don’t be a stalker about it, give yourself some space and time to get over it (ensure you have adequately explained your feelings on the matter though, it hurts to have a friend ignore you without knowing why). Sometimes dragging it out is unnecessary torture to you. It may seem like this is the end of your friendship, your life, or the world. But in a few years you’ll look back and laugh, and if they’re a true friend they’ll be sitting next to you laughing too. Or, if they’re a best friend, at the bar buying a round of drinks.

New life ambition.

My advice to anyone whose friend confesses affection/crush/undying love: don’t be a dick. Seriously, I know where you live.

Lots of love,

Todostrieb

Bleached Blonde Badassery and High IQs

So, in a twist of fate or one of the homojournalists warped sense of ironic humour, the theme for week five is straight crushes.  Being a bisexual female, I’m going to assume straight crushes are my male ones. Being an international baccalaureate student with a fetish for colour coding (see fetishes, week 3) and a love of data processing I have made a Venn diagram.

Mel's straight crushes

As you can see my straight crushes fall into 3 main categories, the good looking, the intelligent, and the distinguished older males, although many of them overlap. Well I don’t really know what else to say. I have a taste for guys with bleached hair, quick wit and badassery, so sue me.

Having said all this, in real life I tend to fall for guys I am close friends with, and the ones that are mean to me. I can’t say why that is, I suspect many girls fall into the same trap. I reckon it’s because I like to test my ego and self confidence out constantly. Life is just no fun if you get away with everything. I need a little....bite in my relationships.

Sorry for the short post folks, In the middle of exams (doomdoomdoomdoom). But as always we’re happy to hear your comments, thoughts, and suggestions. We’re still accepting guest posts (see our spiffy link is at the top of this page) and I’d like to hear confirmation that my straight crushes are normal, so write in with yours!

Lots of Love,

Mel (the hot one) x

PS. Moriarty, all male homojournalists and Captain Harkness went without saying, so weren't included in the diagram.

My love life involves a Lovecraftian horror - come in, it's fun here...

Ah, straight crushes. If I ever go on Mastermind, and they turn down my specialist subjects of "Pokémon, Generations I - III" and "The Current, Exact Whereabouts Of Ezra Miller", "Straight Crushes" would definitely be my backup plan. I wouldn't exactly say I'm the master of straight crushes, because that would imply that I face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, and I'm sure that all my friends have itemised lists of occasions when I have really most sincerely not acted in that manner, but suffice it to say that I'm very, very experienced in these matters.

The very first image result for "experienced" on Google - what the actual fuck?

I suppose my crushes can be very neatly subdivided into 3 types: the Idol, the Innocent, and the Singularity. Idols are people who I develop crushes on just because they appear to me to have nothing wrong with them, in any way, ever. These are the people who turn up to school, get 100/100 on their Maths exam, and then go home with a nonchalant "Oh please, it was nothing..." look on their handsome face. Innocents are something of a departure for me, because they're the people who I don't particularly harbour any sexual intent towards - I just enjoy looking at them and their cuteness (that wasn't meant to sound so creepy, my apologies). Those two types are fine, no unpleasantness there, poise and rationality all round. It's the Singularities that cause all the problems.

Terms from General Relativity are never good when they're used out of context.

Singularities are people who, in my strange, slightly Asperges way, I become completely and utterly obsessed with. And I don't mean as in I Facebook stalk them all the time, I mean as in "Hmm, maybe I should go see a psychiatrist... after travelling for 2 hours just to leave a gift on his doorstep" obsessed. But there's only been one of those, so hopefully he was just a blip.

I suppose I should go into more detail, but I'm not sure that a) all of these people know that I fancy/fancied them, or b) want their names associated with a blog that has "Homo" in the name. I suppose I could take my imminent departure from my college as an opportunity to say "Screw this, screw you all, I'm naming and shaming you, I never have to see you again in my entire life!", but they all have either knowledge of where I live or access to people who do, so I'll give them codenames: "Swinger", "Sleepyhead" and, because it shares many qualities with him, "Cthulhu".

Drives people insane, slimy, enjoys a nice long swim - they must have been separated at birth.

I'll start with the easiest one - "Swinger", the Idol (easiest to explain, not easy in other ways, sadly). Swinger is one of those people who you either despise and wish Polio upon, or adore, because he's just damn perfect. The only thing he ever did wrong was be illegal for me to touch inappropriately for 5 months of Lower 6th, and even that was just because he skipped a year. He treats Mathematics of the highest difficulty as if it were the 2 times table, and he even managed the Biblical feat of teaching me to dance. Because he's also an accomplished Ballroom Dancer. And a Maths whiz. Oh, and he's going to Oxford. To be perfectly honest, he's damn lucky I enjoy his existence, because I can see how people could consider lynching him, he does make you wonder exactly what you've been doing with your life occasionally. But I just can't hate him, he's too nice and too nice to look at. These sorts of crushes are nothing to worry about as long as you don't let them take over your life, and I suppose all I can give in the way of advice here is, well, don't try to emulate these guys too much. They're much better at what they do than you are.

The amount of bones you will break trying to teach yourself the Swing.

Also innocuous are the Innocent crushes. Have you ever just enjoyed someone's company for the sheer fact that they're nice and cute and lovely? No? You only like people for their genitalia? Well I'm ashamed of you, Constant Reader, and you should be too. I don't like Sleepyhead because I wish to have awful, wonderful sex with him, I like him because of his habit of falling asleep in lessons in a very cute manner. Simple as. He even did it while managing to keep his pen in his hand and on the page once, as if he were hoping some mystical force would take over his body during his nap, and solve the equation in the Maths book that he'd been struggling with before he succumbed to snoozing. It's something of a recurring joke: Maths, Biology, English, no subject is too interesting to fall asleep in. He once dribbled on the book we were reading in English, which elicited a reaction somewhere on the spectrum between mild humour and adulation from me. Don't get me wrong; if at some point pre-Cretzal he'd confided in me that he liked guys, my brain and heart would not have been the only organs to express appreciation, but sex isn't the main factor here (shockingly). Again, you don't need too much advice here. Just sit back and enjoy the cuteness.

But not too much, I don't want to be sued for dry-cleaning bills.

But, alas, now we enter murkier waters. The sky turns dark, the sea choppy, and the wind becomes a howling gale, for we are approaching the realm of Cthulhu, my example of a Singularity. It all started so normally - we met, found each other humorous, and became most excellent friends. As in, my friend who'd known me for 5 years was rather put out, and took to insinuating that we were a gay couple. You see, all this was before I came out as Bi, even to myself (more on that in later posts), so it's a mark of how much I loved Cthulhu as a friend when I came out to him first (much more on that in later posts). But, yes, sometimes there's someone who you just click with entirely, as in if they were female, or you were female, or they were gay, you'd be the power couple of the school.

And it damn near drives you mental if none of these things are the case.

1) This is an accurate representation of what I feel like when I consider him.
2) This is the second picture in a row that's to do with exploding heads - a little perturbing.

Do me a favour, Constant Readers, if you ever find yourself spending close to £10 just to deliver a bottle of alcohol you know he likes (that in itself cost £20) to his doorstep, complete with a 7 page handwritten note about your feelings, go home and drink the alcohol while burning the note. Or use the alcohol to fuel the burning if your crush is into spirits. Just don't ever think you can maintain that level of obsession, it is very very not worth it. It'd be easier and probably less psychologically damaging just to murder them (not that I endorse that either). I know it sounds cliché, but sometimes letting go is the best option for both parties. No matter how hard it is.

No, "throwing" doesn't count the same as "letting go". Bad Constant Reader.

As usual, we're open to criticisms, comments and offers of book deals at homojournal@gmail.com.
Until next time,

James

Bonus points if you spotted the Panic! At The Disco quote! Also, "I chime in, haven't you people ever heard of closing the god-damn door," is something that Cthulhu made me think quite a lot.

Revenge....nomnomnomnomnom

As an avid tumblr I see stories every day of the abuse teenage lbgt receive daily, and if instead of a black hole I had a heart, it would break. Lots of these posts have been jokey so to keep you on your toes I thought I’d give some actual advice.

My first idea is to tell you not to listen, they’re not worth it, and they’re idiots who will soon realise the error of their ways. But one of the hardest parts of this is that it is often those closest to you that cannot accept you. Rory's speaking about having crushes on some of his best friends in a couple of weeks time; we’ve all been there, even if you’re straight chances are you experimented a little. I’m looking at you Miu.

When those you love most can’t accept you, it might make you feel helpless. Keep trying! Don’t give up! There is hope they might come round and see your side of things.

1. Try getting another person close to you to explain how they were able to accept it.
2. Inform them, some fear is bred from ignorance, there are many organisations and website out there that can give information and advice. After a quick google my favourite is “Being gay is okay”
3. Give them time, maybe they just need to think it over and realise that your sexuality shouldn’t matter to them
4. If the problem stems from religion (I found an organisation for that too) maybe using religious arguments will work in turn. Love thy neighbour anyone?

Sorry, I’m not an expert, and my advice might not help at all, but if you’re having problems with homophobia, or just plain bullying, I urge you to get in contact with one of these organisations. But if you just want someone to talk to, we’re here….there’s an email somewhere….

Failing all that, here are some nice ideas for revenge:

1. Sewing shrimp into their sheets, it will take them forever to work out where the smell is coming from
2. Pay a girl to meet your parents and pretend to be pregnant, it should put things into perspective from them
3. This is a tad petty but quote them on tumblr and watch the support role in, then show them how bigoted they really are
4. Spam their Facebook, literally write “spam” EVERYWHERE
5. During arguments stay cool, calm and collected, and as a response laugh, it is the most annoying thing you could ever do
6. Train a legion of killer penguins
7. Lace their soup with pepper
8. Offer to make coffee/tea and repeatedly pretend to believe they like it with salt instead of sugar
9. Get an army of your friends to dress up in rainbow sheets and follow them around
10. Sneak into their house a la Amélie and:
1. Put a pin in a lamps wire
2. Change the speed dial to a mental health service
3. Rearrange their drawers
4. Stick chairs to the ceiling
5. Take a psychological shot in the dark and write a note “ I know what you did…..”