Pans Labyrinth

My ideal boyfriend or girlfriend. Hummm a tricky one.

Let’s start with girlfriend, that's easy. I guess she’d be a little shorter than me, half Japanese, with sharp teeth and massive eyes. Oh wait that’s Eli. What a coincidence, we’re already dating, how convenient.

No, in all seriousness. My ideal girlfriend. She has either small or large boobs, or in-between ones. She has pale skin or dark skin or red skin or blue skin or green skin. She is short or tall, fat or thin. You get the idea. My ideal girlfriend doesn’t exist. There are features that turn me on and things I admire personality wise. But If I stuck them all together in one person I’m sure it would be horrible. The same goes for an ideal boyfriend.

And now for the awkward confession. Being bisexual puts me in a dilemma. I would say I’m 50/50 girls and guys, depending on the girls and guys in question. Which leaves me with a strange desire to date a transexual. I have an appreciation for vagina and a flat chest, yes, but there’s just something about the combination of male and female, dick and tits that turns me on. Cross dressing is hot. A balance of masculine and feminine even hotter.

Does that make me weird? Maybe. Who cares? But that's exactly why I have trouble with the bisexual label. I’m pretty sure getting confused by gender and transsexuals makes me a pansexual. It makes me sound a little like the fawn from ‘Pans Labyrinth’ so I try to stay away from it.

Lots of love,

Mel, your favourite pan/bi blogging God

Revenge....nomnomnomnomnom

As an avid tumblr I see stories every day of the abuse teenage lbgt receive daily, and if instead of a black hole I had a heart, it would break. Lots of these posts have been jokey so to keep you on your toes I thought I’d give some actual advice.

My first idea is to tell you not to listen, they’re not worth it, and they’re idiots who will soon realise the error of their ways. But one of the hardest parts of this is that it is often those closest to you that cannot accept you. Rory's speaking about having crushes on some of his best friends in a couple of weeks time; we’ve all been there, even if you’re straight chances are you experimented a little. I’m looking at you Miu.

When those you love most can’t accept you, it might make you feel helpless. Keep trying! Don’t give up! There is hope they might come round and see your side of things.

1. Try getting another person close to you to explain how they were able to accept it.
2. Inform them, some fear is bred from ignorance, there are many organisations and website out there that can give information and advice. After a quick google my favourite is “Being gay is okay”
3. Give them time, maybe they just need to think it over and realise that your sexuality shouldn’t matter to them
4. If the problem stems from religion (I found an organisation for that too) maybe using religious arguments will work in turn. Love thy neighbour anyone?

Sorry, I’m not an expert, and my advice might not help at all, but if you’re having problems with homophobia, or just plain bullying, I urge you to get in contact with one of these organisations. But if you just want someone to talk to, we’re here….there’s an email somewhere….

Failing all that, here are some nice ideas for revenge:

1. Sewing shrimp into their sheets, it will take them forever to work out where the smell is coming from
2. Pay a girl to meet your parents and pretend to be pregnant, it should put things into perspective from them
3. This is a tad petty but quote them on tumblr and watch the support role in, then show them how bigoted they really are
4. Spam their Facebook, literally write “spam” EVERYWHERE
5. During arguments stay cool, calm and collected, and as a response laugh, it is the most annoying thing you could ever do
6. Train a legion of killer penguins
7. Lace their soup with pepper
8. Offer to make coffee/tea and repeatedly pretend to believe they like it with salt instead of sugar
9. Get an army of your friends to dress up in rainbow sheets and follow them around
10. Sneak into their house a la Amélie and:
1. Put a pin in a lamps wire
2. Change the speed dial to a mental health service
3. Rearrange their drawers
4. Stick chairs to the ceiling
5. Take a psychological shot in the dark and write a note “ I know what you did…..”

OMG! Is that a Stereotype I see??

Well hello there special followers (I'm hoping there is at least 1 person following us :P)

We have now reached the much awaited weekend and on this fabulous Saturday morning I am here to discuss the stereotypical subject of stereotypes! I said fabulous cause I could see this tiny ray of sunlight peering through my bedroom shades; little did I know that - England being what it is -  when I opened the shades the sun had been covered by a thick sheet of clouds and it is now raining. Oh English weather… it always lives up to stereotypes don't you think?

Do not fear! I will not fall into the (yet other) stereotype of English people always talking about the weather; let me enlighten you. My name is Miu, no it is not a typical name and no I am not sure it is even real but that is not the point. I am the straight (at least 99% so) token/mascot of this insane group of non-hetero entities. I chose to write on Saturdays because, let it be said, it is the BEST day. I am 18 and NOT English, so what am I? Well that is a very good question that even the most esteemed philosophers or scientists have not been able to answer, so let it just be said that I am… [missing to protect identity]  or more simply: I just AM. To quote my dear friend (and by "friend" I mean "that idiot!") Descartes "Ego sum. Ego existo. (I am. I exist.)" Though I'm not even sure about that!

Now back to the point. Stereotypes. Most people hate them. Why? Because they are a way of passing judgement on a person merely based on ethnicity, gender, culture, religion, colour, height… and many many others. And of course, we insecure little humans just hate to be judged! I mean seriously, everyone around us is judging us in someway or another; even you are judging me in this exact moment while reading this blog. You are deciding whether I am just a crazed teenager or in need of serious medical attention. On the other hand you may also be considering how awesome I am, in which case carry on. The fact is, we do not hate the "nice" stereotypes. I don't see any African man going around saying: "Hey! How dare you say I have a big penis!?" But I do hear Indian/Japanese guys crying out: "its not true! Its not true!"
I once heard someone say (or probably just read it on FB)

"I live three lives:
○ The one I live everyday
○ The one people say I live
○ And the one my parents think I live"

Now I found that quite funny, as I too seem to live three lives - though probably even more. What about you? If it does apply to you then sorry honey, but you are a stereotypical teenager (or human being)! Now why did I used "stereotypical" rather than just "typical"? No matter the definition (thank you James!) they essentially have the same meaning. What makes us hate it so much is the negative connotations that come with it. We don't want to be put in a closed box. It is when people only see the stereotype and refuse to see the real person that it all becomes really annoying. But stereotypes aren't bad in themselves.

I tend to consider myself as...unique. I am not you r typical gal. Yet even I have fallen into a stereotype. I'm sitting at my desk writing on a blog while spinning around in my chair and lovingly wearing my boyfriend's oversized hoodie to comfort me while he is away! Nevertheless, stereotypes exist for a reason. Although most are not accurate, people really tend to behave similarly. It's a fact that most English people have their 5 o'clock tea. Call it stereotype, tradition or culture, in the end there's not much difference.

Either way I still find it amazing when you meet that ONE person who fits a stereotype perfectly! I think they are a rare endangered species that should be protected… or locked up - I mean looked after - in a museum for people to watch!

I think you've had enough of me by now so I will leave you to hopefully start a debate on whether what I said is utter bullshite (not a typo, read it as appropriate) or incredibly clever or perhaps insane. The latter tends to include the other two into one.

Do not despair, I'll be back next week!

Love,

Miu

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

P.P.S. [ok that's a total lie that was true erm... a few days ago... now well... just drunk typing on the computer while my other fellow bloggers are getting off with each other LOL what a stereotype right?]

Todostrieb for President of the World

So, you know what the theme of the week is by now, and I would like to take this opportunity to highlight to my readers that four percent of your number are utter fools. Yes, this is vaguely related to the theme, bear with me. Four per cent of you are technophobes; I am of course speaking about the Internet Explorer users among you. But, to keep things on a positive note 65% of you are awesome (the Chromers), congratulations.

The four per cent:

• You live in a hut in the middle of nowhere
• Your parents are wolves
• Your main income is the soul trade
• The internet connection is only so you can check out this awesome blog/ email your mother
• You have a monobrow

The sixty-five per cent:

• You live in a spaceship
• Your parents just commented on your Facebook status
• You make your money blackmailing the FBI with the threat of hacking their website
• You mainly use your internet for reading this awesome blog and keeping in touch with earthbound friends
• You are 5”3, brunette, have hazel eyes and areas sexy as fuck

Obviously I have invented these off the top of my head,which makes them no less accurate than many stereotypes your brain is probably unconsciously holding onto as we speak. What you really need to consider here is why do my ill-formed opinions matter to you? I’m a complete stranger to you (unless you are in my legion of stalkers, in which case, hi), I’ve never met you, and I am judging you. I DON’T MATTER. But my thoughts should have no bearing on how you act; they shouldn’t even upset you, when the stereotypes begin to change how others act towards you it’s a whole different kettle of fish.

For example, as the president of the world, I am introducing a tax on internet explorer users, because my advisors assure me that you are all dangerous soul stealing technophobes. Obviously my advisors have never met one of you; I am allowing stereotypes to affect my actions towards you.

In the real world (sigh) I would like to say this is uncommon, I’d like to think most people can be professional. But there will always be the one person who is lacking the brain cells to reform their opinions, because they are unwilling to let go of a stereotype. Ignore them all.

Sorry that descended into a ramble, my point was this. Don’t fear your stereotypes (unless they’re formed by idiots in a position of power over you), they are not who you are, embrace every part of you even if, god forbid, you’re a hipster. Because I’m sure even you will have redeeming qualities, but remember, I was a teenage girl before it was cool.

Todostrieb is awful.

On a slightly unrelated note does anyone else have problems proving they’re human?

Todostrieb

Stereotypes Day Two- Mel

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”- Persuasion, Austen

Oh God, I think, I’ve turned into a woman. I am scrubbing a shoe in the sink, sleeves rolled to the elbow and humming Hollywood Undead; so if I am female, let it at least be said I am an amazing one.

And then of course, there’s the whole lesbian stereotype palaver. I am holding a checked flannel shirt lovingly and my girlfriend looks at me eyes narrowed. "You’re such a lesbian," she says completely seriously. Alas, there comes a time when every bisexual with short hair, a girlfriend and a love for hiking boots must ask herself if she has fallen into the butch lesbian trap.

I am in a constant battle with myself to be as feminine and as unfeminine as possible. Some days I wear clothes 3 sizes to big with ripped jeans and others I’ll wear tops so low cut it gives my dad a twitch in his eye. Then it gets even harder; being bisexual means I now fit about 50 different contradictory stereotypes, not just two X chromosomes versus a love for vagina.

I think it’s important for me to say at this point, that I do not go round worrying about these things all the time. Mostly my thoughts are occupied by my maths homework and doughnuts instead of the crushing weight of society’s expectation. This is not a pity party, I think stereotypes can be a practical way of assessing people we haven’t met on a very vague level.

Note how I said people we haven’t met. I do not mean we can judge people before we have met them. I just mean we can develop a vague understanding of a person based on their background and begin to work out what makes them tick. Stereotypes aren’t invented overnight by the evil profit hungry corporations that want to eat our souls; they develop over a long period of time and for a good reason. Of course, after we’ve met a person, the stereotype becomes less relevant. We can, and should form our own opinions without prejudice.

When I posted on facebook about my first driving lesson disasters and someone commented "it’s a gender thing," I was amused not annoyed. When I was drinking espresso in my French friends house I wasn’t thinking "oh god what a cliché." When I used to get blonde jokes I laughed along. Sterotypes are not only practical. They also are funny.

Now of course, I am messing with the natural balance of the universe here. Boo Mel, I hear you cry. Stereotypes are bad. They ruin our self esteem, they destroy our livelihoods and they corrupt our children. Oh, won’t someone please think of the children!

As such, my support for stereotypes comes with a grave warning. No stereotype is accurate. A stereotype cannot tell you who a person is, only they can do that. I am bisexual, it is a fair guess to say I might have some gender issues, and indeed I do.  It is not safe to say that I am a slut. Stereotypes formed of cultural identity are good, those formed out of misunderstanding or fear are not.

I’m Mel, one of the bloggers on Homo-Journal. I’ll be claiming Tuesdays as my territory (Wednesday through Monday are also mine but I lend those to my loyal followers in return for sexual favours). You’ll be hearing a lot more about my changeable opinions on bisexual life and maybe life in general if you stick around. Who knows maybe some of my awesomeness will rub off on you.

Todostrieb is awesome.

We are open to comments, suggestions....dare I say critiques. You can contact us at homojournal@gmail.com.

All my love,

Mel