I miss-spelled celibacy

Rory covered for me yesterday, as I got from Japan late Wednesday, and was still jet lagged yesterday. So Danke Rory >.<

After reading everyone's debate/blame game on the miss spelling of "celibacy", I've come to a horrific conclusion, that it must have been me that spelt it wrong in the theme pool... For that I apologise. But in way, that miss-spelling must reflect my views on celibacy - the subject is so little concern of mine, that I don't even know how to spell the word correctly. I don't think I've ever google it..

Celibacy: a fetish - according to the interwebs

Celibacy, is the act of choosing to not have sex indefinitely. I assume that for the most part, it only applies to those of us that are sexually active, as there must be somewhat of a difference between choosing to remain a virgin, and choosing to be celibate.

I've read accounts in one of my feminist sex ed books, of people who are celibate, but only seem to count sex as penis-to-vagina (sorry for being vulgar, I couldn't think of a better way to put it). The account didn't consider masturbation.

But what about lesbian sex? or gay sex?

I could happily give up heterosexual sex indefinitely, or should I say that I have already, considering right now, I have mel? But I wouldn't consider myself celibate. I probably wouldn't consider myself celibate if I limited my sexual activities to masturbation. To me it seems silly, if you're going to be celibate, why go about it so half-assed, and not go the whole hog going cold-turkey?

Forgive my ignorance, but is there such a thing as true celibacy, not having sex - just because? and WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I can understand just sticking to masturbation, if you've been sexually molested and don't like being touched; you don't have anybody to fuck; you have a serious STD; you have a deficiency of some sort; or you've chosen to stay celibate for spiritual reasons. But I consider them all to be somewhat forced celibacy.

I think celibacy must be one of the main reasons why I decided (after much pondering) not to become a nun. Oh, and the fact that I don't believe in God. I'm not against that kind of forced celibacy, and staying celibate because you feel you have to, it somewhat noble of them, but as for me, I am young, and I want my freedom to jump on anyone I fancy jumping on.

The question this week, I've been told, is what would you give up sex for? So here's my list:

• I'd give up heterosexual sex for lesbian sex, and vice-versa, depending on circumstances.
• I'd give up sex for my life, or life of others, if I was told I had to choose between having sex and dying, or not having sex and living.. 
• I'd give up sex if I had an STD or until I was rid of it
• I'd give up sex if my partner wasn't here, and wished me to. Probably.

So, sorry if my views are wrong or offend you in anyway, it's just my ignorant rant, blah, I might have to go read this:

see you next week,

eli x

ps, comment/email if you wish, I'm writing on mel's account, because I'm on her laptop, she's asleep next to me, and I forgot to log out. Bah humbug. 

I can spell just as well as I can dig holes for myself.

I would like to point out to darling James that I do know there is no 'r' in the word 'Celibacy'. Your evil schemes to make the world think I cannot spell have been foiled *evil laugh*.

You see, this is how we chose each week's theme: We have what we call a theme ideas 'pool', in which we all dump our randomly absurd ideas for themes and then one day, one of us (usually me) comes along and picks three or four of these randomly absurd ideas at random and copy and pastes them into a poll, and then we take it to a vote (because we're a democracy like that) and whichever theme has the most votes wins.

The cause of the misspelling of the word 'Celibacy' was the fact that it was already misspelt in our pool. (I realise the irony here of me asking if misspelt is actually spelled with '-lt' or with '-led', but I'm beyond caring now. Perhaps James' evil plan isn't as foiled as I'd hoped...) I just wanted this known.

I also would like to point out that I realise I'm posting this a day early; it seems eli has become celibate with regard to posting, regarding catching up on sleep/getting rid of post-Japan-jet-lag as being more important than this blog.

To be fair, I don't really blame her.

When it comes to celibacy, it seems that once again this is a topic which I have very little experience in, and therefore have very little to talk about (hence why it took 3 paragraphs to point out my spelling capabilities). I often imagine that being celibate must surely depend on the quality of sex and the quality of whatever it is you've given up sex for... I think even James would have no problems giving up dull and boring sex for either a high quality energy drink, alcoholic drink or whatever the third one was. Not that I'm saying James has dull and boring sex or low quality energy drinks or alcohol, mind you. I think it's time I stop digging.... :/

Apart from most Lindt produce, I haven't yet come across anything I would willingly give up sex for; there are plenty of other things which I could be doing with my time to satisfy my needs, such as dream up some absurd conspiracy theory as to how Sherlock survived jumping from the top of Barts hospital, or fanboying over series 7 of Doctor Who (Saturday 7.20 pm, BBC1, be there or else).

He who dares point out that I need to have a sex life to give up in the first place will [insert very threatening threat here].

The One Ring

Unlike the other homojournalists I firmly believe I could be celibate, as long as vibrators etc don’t count, and I had no contact with anyone I remotely liked in any way.

I feel like in principal it’s a good idea, avoiding unwanted pregnancies, STDs, awkward encounters and etiquette, having to buy nice underwear (not that I can ever be assed to do this either way, but a lot of people follow the school of thought “If no one’s gunna see them, why bother?), contraception and sometimes it’s impractical, no one’s parents like to come home and find their offspring with their significant other. 

Personally my parents have a rule, don’t ask, don’t tell. Although a memorable quote from my mother about Eli and Mel, “well, they have the door open, so they’re not having sex”…I’m pretty sure they were sleeping.

There’s also the religious issue, I know devout people can be proclaimed bigots in many LGBTQ issues, but to have sex or not to have sex is an issue that your religion may influence, and you can choose what to do with your own body for any reason you like. Personally, if there is a god, I doubt he likes me much, and he has bigger bones to pick with me than lust. Such as wrath, my second favourite deadly sin, I like them all though really.

There seem to be a lot of downsides to sex in that list, and I don’t want to get personal here but there are also good sides. Aside from the more obvious fact that (most of the time) it feels good, it’s a way to feel emotionally closer to your partner, it’s exercise, it relieves stress, it demonstrates a level of trust in a relationship, in reality sex is a huge part of any relationship, so what happens if you marry someone, then on your wedding night they whip out the ball gag and chains?

I've seen much better rings anyways. 

The whole promise ring thing is, I suspect, just a marketing ploy. Designed to ease the conscience of the media and or/ parents of whoever takes the vow. It seems like putting bells on whistles on a personal choice, not everyone who doesn't want sex needs a ring to prove it. It seems almost like bribery, “here my dearest daughter, I have bought you a pretty ring, but if you wear it you can’t have sex” seems like a fair deal, no?

Such as this one, for example. 

Todostrieb 

The cool skull ring is from Bonadrag, an online store which I fantasise about owning. 

Celebrity Celibate Precedent

Celibacy? What is that?

This is one of my weaker areas. So, instead of rambling about concepts I cannot understand- here is a list of things I would try before celibacy.

1. Eating my own arm
2. Yoga
3. Giving birth
4. A history degree
5. Undergo a crucio

Here for your amusement, so celebrities who tried celibacy....note the tried....

Lol daisy duke was celibate

born to be brave....not celibate

I like her new hair....pretty much the same as mine

Lots of love and sleep deprived ramblings,

Mel

Catch 22.

Finally, a subject we managed to all agree on. Except Miu and Rory, but, still, majority ruled. And it's no wonder Rory didn't vote for it, he couldn't even spell it correctly in the poll on Facebook.

What am I talking about, I hear you say/type? Why, celibacy, or "celibracy" as Rory puts it. Officially, our title for the week is "Celibracy [sic] - is there anything you would give up sex for?", one of the longer and more cumbersome titles we've had, but it'll do, and there's got to be loads to write about here!

...right?

My mind, 25 minutes after typing "...right?".

Ok, ok, so it's a little difficult for me to think of anything I'd give up sex for. I should point out at this point that, by "sex", I mean "any sexual activity", and by "any sexual activity", I mean "anything involved in and of the posts in Week 3, Week 6, Week 11, Week 12, Week 18 or Week 21 on this blog". As such, it's a little difficult, because that'd be a lot to give up.

Do I love anything that much? Does the charred, desiccated shell that passes for the emotional centre of my brain even contain that much love? I actually had to ask my parents what I loved/was addicted to the most, and they came up with the following suggestions:

1. Energy Drinks
2. Alcohol
3. Cruelty

"We do love you, we just think that you're a vindictive alcoholic whose body is so pumped full of chemicals that taking you into any one of 46 US states is a felony."

So, brushing off my parents' stark and harrowing portrayal of my everyday life, I set to work thinking: would I give up sex for any of these 3?

#2 was simple enough - no, because it wouldn't work. James + Alcohol = sex. It's the kind of thing others are usually ashamed of, but I'm of the opinion I'll only need to start being ashamed of it when my age begins with the digit "3" or I'm in a happy relationship and my partner's in another country to me. So, that rules out #2.

#3 is the same - it just wouldn't work. Hurting people is very exciting for me, so that'd defeat the point of the exercise, and the same goes for being hurt. Todostrieb's boyfriend pinched me hard enough to make me bleed when we were staying round one of our mutual friends' house, and the only thing that stopped me from jumping him was the idea that Todostrieb's torture would be a little more severe and likely involve a puppet called Billy. 

Todostrieb: "Would you like to play a game, James? Let's play a game called... "Never Have I Ever"..."
James: "NOOOOO!"

So, that's that out of the way. And then there was 1.

This is the only option I can really give consideration to. I mean, even though I'd be dead for weeks after giving up energy drinks, I'd get better, right? But couldn't the same be said about sex? I mean, I'd develop other hobbies, surely, crocheting, line-dancing, something. 

...and I've just seen the flaw in this plan. If I give up sex for energy drinks, I also have to give up alcohol and pain to make sure I don't break my contract, as it were.

I think I'll politely decline your offer, thanks.

Yours unrepentantly,

James.

Who am I kidding, I'm not sure I'd give up sex for breathing. Auto-erotic asphyxiation has its perks.