So, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?

Ahahahahahaha my commentary on finding guys and girls to date....ahahahahahaha what poor depraved creatures would want my techniques in dating?

Pretty much how I look and act in real life.

Firstly the guys. Previously I thought the only flirting I did was to act awkwardly until people took pity on me. It has only recently come to my attention that playing with people’s hair and holding hands counts as flirting. Suddenly, lots of things make sense. According to my mum, letting guys pay for my drinks also counts as flirting. Oh dear. Perhaps you would like some anecdotes about my recent dating history with guys.

And my mum calls herself a feminist.... seriously though when did a drink equate to sex....

A guy we shall call S kept asking me out for drinks/dinner/sexual acts...and as he knew I had a girlfriend at the time, and I had only just met him, I assumed he was joking. My put downs got gradually more cutting as he kept asking, and I thought it was a running joke amongst the guys at work. Then one night, he invited me out to dinner, in response I insulted his jogging bottoms. 30 seconds later I got a text from one of the other guys at work who’d been witness to this, saying ‘he’s serious you know’....turns out I’d actually been crushing this guy without realising. Needless to say I stopped feeling guilty for this when I fell asleep on him one night and he bit my boob. Yes readers, he bit my boob....through my clothes, with no provocation.

Another guy we shall call L kept asking to meet up, I thought he meant all the work guys so I went along with it....turns out I’ve now accidently asked him on a date.....I asked him to invite everyone else and he got really crushed. Awkward.

Anyway, so I guess my advice to girls wanting to meet guys is play with their hair and hold their hands....also work in security doing night shifts it’s all pervy guys....I guess you could also just go to a bar on your own and look sad and pretty until someone comes up to you. Alternatively, man the fuck up and ask someone out, or buy a guy a drink.

My advice to you if you are a guy, looking for a guy derives from some very strange chats with 2 gay guys I worked nights with, and admittedly we do talk some shit 12 hours into a 15 hour shift, so forgive me. It seemed that all their cuddle buddies and boyfriends have either been met through mutual friends or through strange dating sites and mobile apps....worth a Google I guess. LGBT socs at universities are also an obvious meeting place for our brethren.

So you might be thinking...you clearly fail at reading the signs with guys, maybe you’re better with girls? No. No, is the sad answer to that. Sometimes I’m surprised I get through life without being hit by buses....yet along meet new girls. My main problem is working out if they’re gay.

Now, a golden rule. All girls will be gay if they are drunk. This doesn’t make them actually gay, and makes the morning after a lot more awkward. Another rule...some girls think it might be cool, or fancy experimenting a bit....the only gay in college types. And, another some girls are actually gay and just shy, or still in the closet.  Finally, some gay girls are just out. Oh also, some bisexual girls have histories with guys that make them look straight. You can see that meeting gay girls is a minefield....

So en sommaire. I’m just going to cry alone in my room and hope that my puesdo date with L isn’t too embarrassing....after one of the most awkward conversations of my life we are no going as ‘mates’ whatever the hell that means. Oh god.

Yours socially awkwardly,

Mel.....queen of awkward accidental flirting

Please ignore anything you know about goldfish anatomy for this next paragraph...

PS...new favourite pick up line I heard today à

There are three goldfish living in a bowl together, two guys and a girl. The girl has some existential anxiety going on. She really wants to get out of the bowl, which has become like a prison to her. One of the guys tells her he knows a way out. But he says he’ll only tell her if she sleeps with him. She doesn’t think she has anything to lose, so they have a night of fun, and when she wakes up the next morning the guy fish is gone. She’s baffled and asks the other male. He says he knows where the first guy went, but will only tell her if she sleeps with him. They have a night of fun and yet again when the girl wakes up alone....so where did the male fish go? I know the answer, but i’ll only tell you if you sleep with me babes : D