How NOT to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to the family.

I'd just like to take the time to point out that this week's post comes to you from NEW YORK CITY, which is where I am currently being very overly-excited because I'm about to go and see Wicked on Broadway :D I am also about to go and spend every single penny in my possession (or cent or dollar or whatever they call money in the States), because I can, and how often is it that you're taken to New York for a belated 18th Birthday present?

Oddly enough, the mention of theatre seems like the perfect way for me to start my advice on how not to introduce your boyfriend to your parents. I don't know about you, lovely reader person, but outings to the theatre are rare in my family, and when they do happen, then my mum usually comes with me, because she's the one who's paying. This is therefore an ideal opportunity to blurt out to your parents while on the way to said theatre that you're meeting your boyfriend there, and you took the liberty to pay for his ticket on their credit card.

Of course, that situation isn't true for everybody, but this one probably is: for some, the temptation to invite your boyfriend/girlfriend over for violent sex on the kitchen table during one of those once-in-a-blue-moon periods of being home alone is just too great to resist. Depending on your outlook on life, this can be a good thing, or a bad thing. It's obviously a good thing because you get to have hot steamy love-making time with your other half, in a safe environment where you don't run the risk of being arrested for indecent exposure under a tree in Hyde Park.

It's also good because if your family return early and unnanounced, and they don't yet know you're gay, they certainly will when they walk in on the climax. While this may be awkward, you kill two birds with one stone: you've now come out of the closet, AND they've met your significant other. Of course, if you're home alone, you probably wouldn't confine your antics to the kitchen. Just make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves so that it's not overly obvious when your family return...

If awkward moments like that aren't your thing, or you think that one of your family members might come after you with a machete, you might go for the more subtle "Mum, Dad, this is my fuckbuddy, Greg" route. Clearly this is the safer option - at least you won't get an STD or Salmonella from your poorly maintained kitchen table. Then again, this still doesn't eliminate the possibility of being chased half naked down the street by your machete wielding father, so all in all, any way of introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to the family is looking slim.

Perhaps the only sensible option worth considering is to not introduce them at all. Clearly if you live in one of those dysfunctional familes where machetes and AK-47s look like they could be genuine possibilities, apart from seeking professional help, it might be safer for all those involved that you just don't introduce him or her to your charming relations. Anyway, once you've left home and moved in with your fuckbuddy, you're free to have your violent kitchen sex without the risk of anybody walking in, and then everybody's happy.

I realise some of the scenarios in this post were a bit extreme, I confess I was slightly drunk when writing this, the creative part of my brain got the better of me. I'll be back in England next week, I'm sure I'll report on my fabulous state side excursion in more detail over the coming weeks :P In the meantime, feel free to send a detailed report of your other half's awkward introduction to the family* to homojournal@gmail.com. And if your experiences have been even more alarming than those I've suggested here, do write us a guest article and send that to the same e-mail address!

* machete not required.

4 easy ways to protect yourself from gay-bashing.

It seems that out of all of our homo-journalists, I'm the only one who has been gay-bashed at some point. I'm not going to go into much detail about it now, that's for coming out week, but let it be said that the gay-bashing has now stopped, and much like James, any gay-bashing that does come my way, I tend to take in good humour.

If, on the other hand, you are still being gay-bashed (I promise you it does stop - see the video at the top of the blog), here are 4 easy, untested and untried ways to protect yourself from it.


1: Know thine enemy
Most of the people who bash gays in a non-sexual way, tend to be homophobic. So, after having safely evaluated and weighed up the potential dangers, opportunities to be stabbed, opportunities to be shot, and opportunities for cock, get to know some homophobic people. Perhaps this is the example I couldn't think of last week about stereotypes not being useful to anyone. Well, I lied, they might be useful here.

Once you get to know some homophobic people, take what they have in common, and use it to your advantage. For example, if you know they're all complete mummy's boys, when they come at you and your boyfriend/girlfriend wielding a machete or an AK-47, threaten them with "I know where you live and I'll tell your mummy." Remember to take pleasure in the look of absolute terror that that line will strike into them, and once you've done that, make good your escape.

2: Alienate your friends and family 
In order to be able to survive gay bashing/homophobia/whatever you want to call it, you need a thick skin. Rather than stand in front of the mirror shouting "rectum raider" and other such insults at yourself (although that might be a good way to start immunising yourself from the 'phobes), ask pay your boyfriend/girlfriend/brother/sister/mum/dad/best friend/etc to do so for you. This gets you used to other people insulting you, and since the insults are coming from the people you know, it'll ultimately hurt you more than what some tosser outside the tube station will say to you.

This will obviously come with considerable side effects, such as losing contact with friends and the immediate family, and may end your relationship with your other half, so be warned, this is a dangerous option. If side effects persist, you should seek advice from your GP...

3: Sign a peace treaty in Jelly Babies and Vodka 
It's a well-known fact that everybody on the planet adores Jelly Babies and Vodka. You should use this to your advantage and draw up a peace treaty of Jelly Babies and Vodka; you hand over x kilos of Jelly Babies in return for the same amount of Vodka for you and your significant other to either drink, fuel your getaway car with, or both.

4: Straight-bashing
What makes the heteros of the world so different from the homos anyway? >.<

(Disclaimer: Any fool who actually tries any of the above is a fool. These have not been tried and tested for effectiveness, and will probably result in you and your other half getting more hurt than you would have done had you just ignored it and moved on.)