I feel underqualified for my blog post, hooray.

Public displays of affection (one of the many-varied terms shortened to that most put-upon of acronyms, P.D.A), are a sort of grey area for me. I mean, I've had experience of displays of affection, yes, but very few of them ever really public, per se, and so I don't really know what to write about.

So this should be fun.

To be fair, I'm always like this.

If, by "public", we include parties, then I at least have something to write about. Last week I mentioned a party me and Cretzal attended (the one where he didn't sing "Kiss From A Rose" to me), and we kissed a couple of times then (rendering the father's clueless naïvety even more inexplicable). No-one threw drinks at us or drew pentagrams round us, but we were among friends, so they'd at least have asked permission to do so beforehand anyway.  

And, due to my somewhat static love-life, that's most of my experience covered. I mean, I've been kissed in bars/pubs, but always with either my friends Mike (of Todostrieb fame) and Jyoti (of no Homojournal fame whatsoever) nearby to protect me/cheer me on, or by someone large enough to punch any annoyances into atoms anyway. I've kissed someone else round  one of my other friend's houses, but everyone else was watching a movie and we were at the back of the room, so it was hardly primetime viewing. I'm really not very qualified for this.

Why can't this week be about the Potash Development  Association, or Personal Digital Assistants?

...well. Once, me and a friend, who I shall give the moniker "Joey", strayed into P.D.A territory. In the park with friends, we held hands. Nothing exploded (get your mind out of the gutter), no-one got shot (stop it), and there were no screams (I give up). Afterwards, we went back to his, and you don't get to know about that because, while affectionate, it wasn't public, so ner-ner-ne-ner-ner. 

On the way home the next day, we held hands on the bus, and we kissed repeatedly. There were feral youths on the bus, as well as elderly females, and neither group paid us any more attention than they would a heterosexual couple, or a black man carrying shopping. We were accepted, which was extraordinarily lovely.

And I suppose that's all I can say on the matter, really. Once, I engaged in true PDA, and I didn't get singled out as a witch or a heathen, and I think it should (and possibly will be) the same for all our readers.

Yours happily,

James

Me: I need to think of a pseudonym for Joey.
Brain: Try his middle name on Facebook.
Me: Ah yes, a foolproof plan.

I'd make a crap spy.

The Evolution of Porn

Happy Masturbation Month! Because I’m pretty sure the only person who wished to know my personal experiences with this topic is Miu, I decided to use artistic license and speak about porn, a closely related topic. Sorry if this post ruins everything fun about it for you, but I’m sure you’re partner will be impressed with your historical knowledge and if all else fails in your history exam you know where to turn in an attempt to amuse the examiner into giving you a good grade. I’m looking at Rory and his pheasants here.

Evidence of porn, or what could loosely be described as erotica, has been found in many ancient cultures. Think rock carvings and cave paintings. Although this is more likely to be involved with fertility and appreciation of female goddesses, rather than encouraging masturbation. But it has been suggested pornography serves an evolutionary purpose, so it is entirely plausible porn was hit upon as a method of encouraging procreation early on in society.

At last, a society where my food baby will be adored.

The era of porn really took off, mainly in impolite society, was the Victorian ages. Oh,yes, those ankles. However, they really owe it to the Romans, lots of erotic art was discovered during excavations of Pompeii, what else is the logical following action if not to try and emulate it. French impressionism was a big player here; art has traditionally been freer with its sexual connotations than most other forms of media. Can you imagine if the Sunday Times suddenly printed a naked picture of the Queen, in honour of her jubilee? Isn’t jubilee a lovely word? The Sun is of course the exception to the rule. The Victorians cottoned on pretty quick and soon passed laws making it illegal to distribute items of an “obscene nature”. Making it illegal to own (specific types, such as child pornography) is a relatively recent change in legislation, rather worryingly.

The official first English pornography in prose format was “Fanny Hill” by John Cleland, I’m not sure if this is the root of all M-rated fan fiction or if teenagers came up with that one all on their own. Magazines were the natural progression from literature and obviously as soon as moving pictures were invented (in 1895) some genius realised there was huge profit to be made. Some people argue that the reason the DVD really took off was because of how useful it was in the porn industry. But to believe that you probably need a slightly more cynical view of human nature than I possess.

Forget Google HQ. New dream workplace.

To move into evolutionary stages that directly affect you, my dearest readers, the growing market for porn aimed at females may have shaped the whole industry. Some estimates suggest that around 1 in 3 of online pornographic purchases are made by women. Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment, estimates 30-40% of market is now female. What does this mean? I’m told there has been an increasing demand for more storyline, foreplay and romance. Perhaps this is influenced by the rise of the female porn directors and producers. Even the format and delivery of erotica is subtly changing; sites like redtube or youporn make it very easy to target what you want to watch, and avoid all the scary things that might ruin your entire childhood. Rule 34, if you can imagine it, it exists somewhere on the internet… Disney porn anyone? Sex shops that used to have a sleazy reputation are morphing into female orientated ‘boutiques’which make it sound a lot more classy and glamorous. Although none of this can explain to me the bizarre porn I watched the first five minutes of on tumblr, in which a lemon tree seemed to be pivotal to the plot….

Over and out,

Todostrieb

Ps. if anyone looks at my internet history I'm totally doomed.