You should all be having sex with yourselves.

I’d like to start this week’s post with an apology: this will seem very rushed, however the majority of my foolish Homo-Journalists decided late on Sunday to change this week’s theme from Coming Out to talking about masturbation, causing me to reschedule my planned post until next week and blitz this. So you will all have to make do with yet another short post from me, however I promise next week’s post will more than make up for two short ones.

So, you will no doubt have gathered that the month of May, in all its simultaneous gloriousness and horribleness (glorious because I’m going to New York at the end of the month; horrible because of the exams which I have now finished. I pity my fellow Homo-Journalists for all studying Biology.) is officially masturbation month. And we, being the sexually frustrated people that we are, have discovered this, and have chosen to exploit this, and you’re all going to come out of the end of this week never being able to think of [insert innuendo here] in the same way again. Ever.

“What is the purpose of this insane month?” I hear you all cry. Well, in all honesty, I’m not sure I can answer your plead, so let’s all just assume that the organisers of this month (if there are people sad enough to organise masturbation month) are all trying to tell us to go and have sex with ourselves, because if we do it all the time and never stop, we might not develop prostate cancer (that’s a valid argument, if you don’t believe me, read this article). But our daily lives and routines are all too full of revision and shopping and vodka and jelly babies (and also chocolate cake) to be able to successfully incorporate a daily masturbation session into our routine. Unless we all switch off the BBC News at 10 and do it then – who wants to listen to Ed Miliband insulting and shouting at Dick (sorry – Dave and Nick) about the recession, or some other sleazy scandal which will no doubt come to light in the time between me writing this in the early hours of Monday morning, and it going live at 10a.m. on Friday.

Before I descend into a mad rant about the apparent incompetence of our silly government, or about how everyone on this tiny little planet leads a much too busy life to be able to fit in a sneaky wank here and there, I shall leave you with the following advice: never type 'masturbation month' into YouTube in the hope that you'll find a quirky video to finish this post off with; it will burn your eyes.