Welcome to Hogwarts.

When Mel suggested this week's theme, the actual words that passed her lips were in fact "design your own Homo-Journal palace." Although it may not technically be a palace, my first and only thought to this topic was Hogwarts, just redesigned to suit all our needs: with one or two or twenty personal sex rooms for each of us to accommodate whomsoever we bring back from Hogsmeade.  

Hogsmeade: The nation's newest gay village for wizards, complete with pub and 'sweet' shop.

Let me take you on a guided floor-by-floor guide (audio guide available in various languages on request from some half-decent information kiosks). 

The Dungeons 

Despite their menacing name, the dungeons play an important role in the day-to-day running of Homo-warts palace, since it houses the sleeping quarters for all our personal staff; the cooks, the caretakers, the chauffeurs, the security guards, the technicians, the gardeners and the butlers and all other house-elves. Don't get lost in the dungeons, the deeper you go the more haunted they get. Only venture past the second level of the dungeons with at least two other people, and do be careful of our Basilisk, sometimes it petrifies people.... 

Ground floor 

The first thing you see when you enter Homo-warts is the magnificent marble-lined-with-gold-and-the-bones-of-the-victims-of-Mel's-unsuccessful-scientific-test staircase (please note, we renovated a few years back, staircase may not contain actual bones). Behind it you will find the glass elevator straight out of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, which will take you to anywhere you want it to take you, when it decides to work.... I'm not convinced it survived crashing through the roof of the Factory, but maybe I'm just not reading the instructions properly. 

Just a small dining room, then....

As you follow the entrance hall round to the left, the first door on the right leads into the Great Hall, where my esteemed colleagues and I lord over our guests during dinner. The first door on the left of the entrance hall leads into our party room, complete with functioning bar (alcohol included), pool table and dance floor. The second and final door on the left of the entrance hall leads into the ground floor bathroom, which in turn leads into our Sauna and Pool area. 

Literally the best swimming pool EVER.

First Floor 

The first floor consists of two wings: east and west. James lives in the west wing (he'd get no sunlight if he lived in the east) and out of all of us, has the shortest path to take when he wants to go and raid the fridge at night, because the Kitchen is directly underneath the West Wing on the Ground Floor. There are a number of disused broom cupboards in the West Wing, many of which no doubt once housed clones of Ezra Miller. Notice the difference in decoration as you pass through the West Wing, in comparison to the decoration of the rest of the palace - no where else will you find a shrine to the notorious Mr Miller, Tom Daley and Irene Adler which spouts Vodka 24/7.  

The east wing comprises of nothing more or less than James's torture chambers, and guests are advised to steer clear of the east wing during and outside of business hours.  

Second Floor 

In the south wing of the second floor lie Rory's chambers, complete with Grand Piano, Four-Poster bed, clones of the Tenth Doctor, Moriarty, Johnlock, and Merlin (not my cat). Within my chambers I have access to every single musical instrument which has ever graced the earth with its presence, and a complete recording studio in which to record them all. It is in here where I spend my time composing and blogging about my compositions.  

The East Wing has a full-size functioning theatre, for use by amateur and professional theatre companies alike, who perform exclusively for us any play we desire. It can also double as a cinema, I'm told it's the only one in the country that gets the finished film before it's been made. Every so often we're kind enough to let the villagers of Hogsmeade watch too, at but a small price.  

Our library begins on the second floor in the north and west wings, and spans eighteen floors.  

While you're passing through the second floor, it is worth visiting the corridor in which stands a scale map of Gallifrey, which was presented as a parting gift to the Homo-Journalists by none other than the Doctor himself. It is a long story which we will no doubt come back to in due course. It stands at the point where he began Regenerating into his twelfth body after - actually no, I won't say, spoilers.  

Unfortunately, the map doesn't tell me how to get there....

Third floor 

This floor used to belong to Eli, but since she moved in with Mel a few months back, it is now largely deserted, save for the library, which, incidentally, houses on this floor the erotic fiction for all sexualities.  

We currently have no plans to rent out the second floor, so don't even ask (unless you have news on season 3 of Sherlock, in which case, you may either email us, or send us an owl).  

Fourth floor 

This is Mel and Eli's floor, and anybody who values their life will be careful not to stray too far from the fourth floor landing, otherwise Mel might just snatch you for her experiments. She lives in the East Wing, which is heavily guarded by pink fluffy bunnies. Nobody quite knows exactly what is in Mel's rooms, because we've never been able to get any sense out of anybody who's come out of there. The north wing is strictly out of bounds to all but Mel's poor test subjects, as this is where her laboratory can be found.  

Mel's security guard, the vicious little bugger...

Eli lives in the south wing of the fourth floor, with interconnecting doors to Mel's room. Prince Poppycock also lives somewhere within, I'm told.... 

The library is only in the west wing of this floor after Mel burnt down the North wing when a chemical experiment went disastrously wrong.  

Fifth floor 

Todostrieb resides in the north wing on days when she's not taking care of the windmill which sits on the edges of Homo-warts grounds. Her estranged significant other hasn't been seen since he moved in, although he may have escaped to Hogsmeade when Todostrieb has been working at the mill. The gallery of all those eclectic items she has collected is certainly well worth a visit, and as long as you don't touch anything, there is a good chance you will survive the experience with your sanity still intact. It's worth noting that the lift doesn't stop in the gallery for security reasons; passengers requiring upward, downward, forward, leftward, backward or rightward services should flag the lift down from the fifth floor landing, although given its origin, you're probably quicker walking.  

We had to move the library to the west and south wings of this floor, incidentally, the south wing houses books on BDSM and the the west wing houses travel guides.  

Sixth floor 

The library takes up the North, South and West wings of the sixth floor, and houses general everyday non-fiction books. The East wing has large private chambers for our Guest slaves, who incidentally, have security clearance for most of the palace. If you would also like security clearance for Homo-warts, you may also wish to consider writing for us.  

The West Wing of the Sixth Floor Library. Pretty cool, huh?

Seventh floor 

The seventh floor is the final floor our grand nearly-marble staircase will take you. Miu lives in the North wing, right next to the Owlery which is located in the East wing.  The only thing which might threaten you up here is the odd rogue owl, or indeed the Howler which that rogue owl failed to deliver to its intended recipient. Other than that, the seventh floor is largely safe, as long as you don't stray into the animal and human hospitals which are both in the south wing. The library, in the west wing, houses all things animals on the seventh floor, before continuing towards the 18th floor, which has so little floor space you could barely swing a cat in it. Incidentally, there aren't many books on the 18th floor either, I'm not quite sure why it's there in the first place... 

We hope you've enjoyed your tour of Homo-warts palace, anybody who strayed off the tour path may be collected from the Lost and Found department on level -3 when Hell next freezes over.