All hail Your Royal Gaynesses

Perhaps this week is not the best week to admit that I'm not the greatest fan of the British Royal Family, nor am I the biggest patriot you will encounter. I've just never seen the point in them, apart from the mildly attractive, yet Ginger, Prince Harry, who can arrive on my doorstep any time he pleases. I'm also rather glad I was away in New York (which, by the way, was amazing, thanks for asking -more on that in a moment) during the Jubilee weekend; I got to miss it all. So perhaps it's rather ironic that I was the homojournalist who suggested this week's theme.

I stand by my opinions on the royal family - after 18 years of life, I still have no idea exactly what it is they do, aside from giving us extra bank holidays for weddings and Jubilees. And then I came to America, and I realised how much their royal highnesses are lived abroad. Suddenly, I began picturing myself as a member of the Royal family, and what I would have done if this were my diamond jubilee that the world is celebrating...

I couldn't help it, sorry :p

Now, before I continue any further, I need to introduce Troy to you all. Troy was (still is, I hope) a particularly attractive, rather cute and just generally adorable in every way, waiter at the restaurant next to the hotel I was staying at. My esteemed colleagues will vouch for me that, for pretty much the entire duration of my stay in the Big Apple, I have done nothing else but witter on about how awesome Troy is, and how I want to marry him. That and checking in on Facebook to Central Park and the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State building, and various other New York attractions. I digress.  You'd be forgiven for thinking that I have lost the plot completely, what has an attractive waiter in central Manhattan got to do with my reign? Well, therein lies the answer, for Troy is no longer a waiter in New York City; he and I are happily married and shall be King and King of the universe and all shall answer to us.  (By the way, if by some happy coincidence Troy is reading this, I really hope you a) are gay, b) know who I am and c) accept that we're now happily married and supreme rulers if the universe.)

My lovely husband and I are now celebrating 60 years as supreme emperors/kings of the universe, and all of creation, including the Dalek/Time Lord time war, have a couple of days off to celebrate our glorious reign, much to the displeasure of the economy of life and George Osbourne. Here's what we've done over the past 60 years:

• Ended the 40 year war on homophobia
• Issued all homophobes with an immediate death sentence
• Legalised homosexuality across the cosmos
• Not let David Cameron or George W. Bush Jr. into office
• Forced David Tennant to return to the TARDIS
• Changed the currency of the universe to Jelly Babies and Vodka
• Brought Dumbledore and Snape back to life
• Banned Twilight and Justin Bieber
• Forced Steven Moffat to hurry up with season 3 of Sherlock
• Exterminated Cancer and HIV/AIDS
• Introduced cheap London Heathrow to New York JFK flights so that Troy can go and visit his parents and I can go and empty 5th Avenue as many times as I wish
• Declared Fish Fingers and custard as the national dish of the Earth
• Made all cities as easy to navigate as midtown Manhattan 
• Made all tube maps as easy to understand as the London Underground map
• Declared the Empire State Building as our palace and Central Park as our front garden (the Hogwarts grounds are already our back garden)
• Erected (hehehe) the Statue of Liberty in said front garden
• Declared the 31st of May as a universal bank holiday (the day I first met Troy ♥) 
• Ordered all theatres to offer free tickets to shows on Broadway/equivalent on Friday evenings
• Defied gravity

And here's how Troy and I want our jubilee celebrated:

• Plenty of dancing naked men
• Free alcohol for all
• Lots of food
• Clones of ourselves to take on our official duties while we lie on an empty beach somewhere in the Caribbean making love to each other... And also to Moriarty, if he feels up to it. 

That doesn't look like he's going to say no.

Yours Royally,
Kings Rory and Troy
Emperors of the Universe, Joint First Lords of Everything, creators of the supreme Time Lord race, the only people alive who still know the exact location of Platform 9 3/4

He ruled figuratively, sadly not literally.

I would like to kick off Jubilee Week, a week celebrating our significantly successful Queen Elizabeth II's 60 year reign, by talking about who would have been better at the job.

Ah, the monarchy. No other institution has so much influence yet so little official power. They're like the hot, popular girl in your class; they carry a lot of weight when it comes to swaying public opinion, but they're unlikely to get any real legislation through.

Unless they liaise more closely with the faculty, if you catch my drift.

However, one group in society that they're not particularly influencing is, well, us. Despite a line of succession 20 long, not one single member has graced the British public with even a hint of homo-scandal. Granted, 8 of these people are under 16 (I'm not expecting Isla Phillips to be bi-curious before her 1st birthday), but still, that's 12 people, many of whom have lived very, very long lives, and the closest thing we've had to a gay royal is the rumour about Prince William.

But that's the present day monarchy: boring. 70~ish years ago, one royal was having much more fun.

Would you say no?

Prince George, Duke of Kent was the archetypal black sheep of a royal. Devilishly handsome and charming, he had little trouble wooing whomever he happened to have his eye on (apart from one particularly particular princess), and his sex, drugs and Charleston music lifestyle kept the PR department of the monarchy scurrying around like crabs on crack after him. He had a string of lovers male and female, including but not limited to Kiki Preston ("The Girl with the Silver Syringe" - the Paris Hilton of her day), his own distant cousin, Louis Ferdinand of Prussia, and flamboyant playwright  Noël Coward, with whom the Prince purportedly shared a 19 year relationship (a claim repudiated by Coward's long term boyfriend, but then again that's understandable, isn't it?).

The Prince wasn't a public relations nightmare in the 20's and 30's just because of who he slept with, either. At one point, a male prostitute attempted to blackmail the Prince with excerpts from some... romantic letters that the Prince had written, and on another the Prince was very nearly arrested for prostitution - while dressed in drag, an event that many of us would likely pay to have re-enacted. 

Now this would be our taxes at work.

It really is a shame that he was only 5th in line to the throne. If we could've somehow made the other 4 disappear (for various legal reasons I won't say how), we could've had an LGBTQ King. Just imagine how far ahead we'd be now in terms of sexuality equality if we'd had 20 or 30 or even 40 years of a flamboyant bisexual King reigning over us. We wouldn't even need this blog, because not being straight wouldn't be anywhere near as much of an issue. It'd be like having a blog written by 5 people with green eyes and their brown eyed mascot.

...on second thoughts, maybe old Liz isn't so bad after all.

I rather like writing for this blog.

As always, feel free to harangue us at homojournal@gmail.com, we're masochists like that.

Yours self-centredly,

James.

...I'm going to the Tower for calling our Queen "old Liz", aren't I?