Business as usual.

I am the two small rectangles.

That was the post that appeared on our private FB group wall last night, from Eli. Why, you ask? What can cause this fine, even-tempered, upstanding young gentleman to become an unresponsive, slightly drooling puddle of boy on the sofa?

Homojournal, that's what.

Damn you.

You see, this week is "Drunk Post Week", and ideally we'd be answering the questions we've set each other in real time, typing while drunk, but, in a practically prescient display of forethought, Eli and I decided it'd be safer to record our ramblings, then transcribe what we said/meant to say.

Everything after 8) is being done hyped on Boost and Solpadeine instead, because:

1. I passed out;
2. I have no alcohol left;
3. I have a headache, and this kills two avianoids with one small, smooth rock.

~ Questions They Asked Me While Somewhat Tipsy ~

Describe each of the Homojournal writers in a few sentences. 

Mel: Well, she's blonde. Or brunette. I forget which. Let's go with black. I think. She'd make a great Queen, 'cos she'd make binge drinking for everyone but her the law, and she does medicine so she can heal us all afterwards.

Rory: When Wholock was created, it was with Rory in mind. We have an in-joke about one of our mutual friends in tight, white pants. Not so much an in-joke, really, as a mutual fantasy. This is weird.

Miu: Well, we have a history. It started when I kicked her in the head, and she walked after me menacingly like the girl from The Ring. It detoured through assault and madness.

Becky: Fresh meat! Erm, what? Anyway, I have little to say so far, seeing as I've yet to meet her. She seems nice, and I'm sure, being Mel's friend, she'll have some form of mental aberration.

Eli: My Mum knows her as "the strange girl" and my Dad knows her as "the one with odd hats". She gave me alcohol so obviously she's lovely.

Todostrieb: She has excellent fashion sense and boobs, and I've inherited a facial expression from her. We have shockingly identical taste in men.

EDIT: I've just read Todostrieb's scheduled post, and she references that last bit about her. So, um, yeah. I now feel awful that that wasn't my "Embarrassing confession" or "Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk".

That's a lie, I don't feel bad at all, I was just talking to him while typing this post, I'm going to Hell.

Which LGBTQ issue you feel most strongly about and why?

Well, gay marriage, or, as it's more properly known, "marriage", is quite high on the list. I don't know if I'm the marrying type, or if I'll marry a guy, but it might be quite nice for others to be able to do so without getting attacked by a mob.

Would you rather have a horse the size of a rabbit, or a rabbit the size of a horse- explain your reasoning in no less than 200 words.

LOOK AT IT.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm 816 over the minimum.

Summarize the entire world LGBTQ history in no more than 200 words (ie what you think everyone... absolutely everyone should be told).

All accurate descriptions of me.

This describes most LGBTQ people, so it'll have to do.

Embarrassing confession?

When I was in Year 4 I gained a strange sort of popularity as a kind of wedding planner. You know those cute kiddy-weddings that kids had in the playground? Yeah, I took over organising them and the decorations. I used tinsel and "Congratulations!" banners from our loft - I must've been the campest 8 year old anyone'd ever seen.

Your weirdest dream?

I had a dream where my friend took acid and murdered all of us at college except me, 'cos I killed him in self-defence. Then I got blamed for the murders. It was unfortunate.

Happiest moment you can think of?

Well, everything else aside, when me and Cretzal (and most of the other Homojournalists) slept round someone's house after a party, and he kept doing seal impressions was pretty damn brilliant. 

No, he didn't sing "Kiss From A Rose" to me.

The clueless naivety of the person's father was quite amusing too:

- "I'll get you another sleeping bag."
- "No need, we'll share."
- "Oh no, I won't force you two to share..."
- "You wouldn't be forcing us."
- "...?"

If you could go back and change something about your life what would it be? 

I'd campaign for surgery on my mouth and jaw more forcefully when I was younger. I would've gotten it free as corrective surgery rather than cosmetic, but now it'll cost something like £999,999,999, which I won't have until at least three months of saving. 

If you were stuck on a deserted island which one book, movie and person would you want to take along?

Well, the book's easy: "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy. It's a beautiful book, and you are hereby ordered to go and buy it as soon as you've read this post. Not before though, because that would be rude.

Movie? Well, assuming we have a TV and DVD player, "Easy A" - I AM Olive Penderghast. If not, the "Prisoner: Cell Block H" box set might be useful, as 174 discs could be good for burning, producing heat and smoke so you can be found.

The person?

You could strand us on Mars and I'd be happy - we'd be naked in minutes.

Who, other than your significant other, would we have to give you for sexy-times to get you to give us all your money?

Look directly above the question.

Who would you rather 'have'/'do'/etc - Justin Bieber or One Direction?

There's one Justin Bieber, and he's Justin Bieber. There's 5 people in One Direction, and none of them are Justin Bieber. A sixsome with One Direction, thank you.

Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk?

Well, passing out and not finishing this wasn't exactly A* material, was it? Also, I once passed out in a ditch while drinking mead that the friend from the weird dream gave me. Maybe it was a symbolic, prophetic dream.

...god, that took AEONS to type...

Yours sheepishly,

James.

Eli fed me vodka-soaked plums that tasted of coffee, vodka-jelly baby sludge that tasted of diabetes and vodka-soaked raspberries that tasted of sadness. No wonder I passed out. I think she was trying to date-rape me, but I've examined myself and I don't think I have any unaccounted-for marks...

Why commit to one sport when you can drool over all?

Since the sport I had chosen was stolen from me *stares at James* I decided not to commit to any specific sport. Drooling monogamy? Never heard of it, so here I present you with

A Hottie for each Olympic sport (well, some of them)


Not an easy task! I didn't imagine it being this difficult, not just deciding the hottest athletes but also what pic to put O.O So you better enjoy this!


Archery - Jake Kaminsky (ok I don't know much about archery and it's the best I could find)

Athletics - Jack Green

Boxing - Clemente Russo

Diving - David Boudia (Since we've already seen Tom Daley)

Football - David Beckham

Judo - Ashley McKenzie 

Rowing - Giuseppe Lanzone

Sailing - Bob Willis

Swimming - Michael Phelps

I was going somewhere with this post...

Imagine the least sporty person you know. Give them a level of sportyness from 0 to 1, where 0 is "not at all sporty" and 1 is "this guy is the definition of sport." Once you've decided on how (un)sporty the least sporty person you know is, divide that number by a thousand, halve it, divide it by a thousand again, then divide it by four, just for good measure. Hopefully you should have a number with so many decimal places it's practically zero. If not, you need a new calculator. If you do, then that's just a fraction of how sporty I consider myself to be. It will come as no surprise then when I say that I couldn't really care less about the Olympics, nor much else to do with it, frankly - I had to live with hours of delays and plenty of road closures when a little flame went down a road on an obnoxiously large gold stick IN THE MIDDLE OF RUSH HOUR.

However, I will confess that I have a bit of a soft spot for certain sports concerning water... basically anything involving a pair of these:

Forgive me if the next few paragraphs ramble, this photo is directly in my field of vision and hugely droolworthy distracting.

In most cases, I will also have a soft spot for the person wearing them - think Tom Daley or the guy in that photo, or Troy, or Colin Morgan (I'm not sure if the latter wears them, and I'm desperately wishing/hoping the former does). In all of those most cases, I'd rather there was nothing there at all. 

I hardly need to point out exactly what it is about this particular Olympic sport which is so attractive - good looking thin guys with just enough muscle, none of whom look like a walking forest and have just enough gear to be able to pull off the above look without a) anything spilling out or b) wondering if there is actually anything under said speedo. I confess, once or twice I may even have considered taking up swimming myself, although weather this was a) to learn how to save myself from drowning if I needed to, b) to get fit and be able to boast a body of above description or c) for the locker-room antics which will inevitably occur, I'm never quite sure. I'm sure one day soon enough, I'll see the light and realise that taking up swimming is of course the perfect excuse for all three options.

I realise I haven't exactly been on-topic for quite a lot of this post - I can still see a sizeable amount of bulge in that photo - so to distract my mind (and yours, if you're not still staring), I was going to point out all the handsome swimmers in this years Olympics, like the charming Monsieur Lefert of France (who, by the way, is competing in the 100m Butterfly, 4x100m and 4x200m Freestyle relay and the 4x100m Medley relay, just so you know). However, as I was scrolling through the photos, it struck me that many of them look like former guests of Her Majesty, and it occured to me that I would have to eat my words about all swimmers being good looking. 

So that I don't have to do that, here is further proof that all swimmers are good looking. 

God bless... Australia?!

Happy drooling.

Flexibility and tight leotards- 'nugh said

Sadly I'm currently working an eighty-four hour week at the Olympics in question, so this post will be kept short. (Don't worry about me folks, I waived my European time directive rights).

All athletes have a lovely physicality to them, which in an intimidating way makes them very attractive. It makes a nice change to find a woman who would like to be complimented on the size of her calves more than her breasts. They are the best that the human form can provide, fast, strong, dedicated and.....shiny with sweat. What I'm trying to say here is, as a general rule most athletes are fit in a non traditional sense.

But, if I had to chose one discipline that appealed to me most, it would be gymnastics- hands down. Probably the floor displays, though I find those ring things and horse boxes full of possibility also. Flexibility, tight costumes, lithe muscles.....think of the sex!

Here is a GB athlete from the 2008 Olympics. See! It's hypnotic, and I find the commentary a curious turn on.

So folks....when you tune into the Olympics (apparently there are 5 billion viewers worldwide, that's everyone with a telly, so it includes you probably) be sure to check out the cuties in leotards, male and female.

GO TEAM GB!

Lots of Love,

Mel