Business as usual.

I am the two small rectangles.

That was the post that appeared on our private FB group wall last night, from Eli. Why, you ask? What can cause this fine, even-tempered, upstanding young gentleman to become an unresponsive, slightly drooling puddle of boy on the sofa?

Homojournal, that's what.

Damn you.

You see, this week is "Drunk Post Week", and ideally we'd be answering the questions we've set each other in real time, typing while drunk, but, in a practically prescient display of forethought, Eli and I decided it'd be safer to record our ramblings, then transcribe what we said/meant to say.

Everything after 8) is being done hyped on Boost and Solpadeine instead, because:

1. I passed out;
2. I have no alcohol left;
3. I have a headache, and this kills two avianoids with one small, smooth rock.

~ Questions They Asked Me While Somewhat Tipsy ~

Describe each of the Homojournal writers in a few sentences. 

Mel: Well, she's blonde. Or brunette. I forget which. Let's go with black. I think. She'd make a great Queen, 'cos she'd make binge drinking for everyone but her the law, and she does medicine so she can heal us all afterwards.

Rory: When Wholock was created, it was with Rory in mind. We have an in-joke about one of our mutual friends in tight, white pants. Not so much an in-joke, really, as a mutual fantasy. This is weird.

Miu: Well, we have a history. It started when I kicked her in the head, and she walked after me menacingly like the girl from The Ring. It detoured through assault and madness.

Becky: Fresh meat! Erm, what? Anyway, I have little to say so far, seeing as I've yet to meet her. She seems nice, and I'm sure, being Mel's friend, she'll have some form of mental aberration.

Eli: My Mum knows her as "the strange girl" and my Dad knows her as "the one with odd hats". She gave me alcohol so obviously she's lovely.

Todostrieb: She has excellent fashion sense and boobs, and I've inherited a facial expression from her. We have shockingly identical taste in men.

EDIT: I've just read Todostrieb's scheduled post, and she references that last bit about her. So, um, yeah. I now feel awful that that wasn't my "Embarrassing confession" or "Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk".

That's a lie, I don't feel bad at all, I was just talking to him while typing this post, I'm going to Hell.

Which LGBTQ issue you feel most strongly about and why?

Well, gay marriage, or, as it's more properly known, "marriage", is quite high on the list. I don't know if I'm the marrying type, or if I'll marry a guy, but it might be quite nice for others to be able to do so without getting attacked by a mob.

Would you rather have a horse the size of a rabbit, or a rabbit the size of a horse- explain your reasoning in no less than 200 words.

LOOK AT IT.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm 816 over the minimum.

Summarize the entire world LGBTQ history in no more than 200 words (ie what you think everyone... absolutely everyone should be told).

All accurate descriptions of me.

This describes most LGBTQ people, so it'll have to do.

Embarrassing confession?

When I was in Year 4 I gained a strange sort of popularity as a kind of wedding planner. You know those cute kiddy-weddings that kids had in the playground? Yeah, I took over organising them and the decorations. I used tinsel and "Congratulations!" banners from our loft - I must've been the campest 8 year old anyone'd ever seen.

Your weirdest dream?

I had a dream where my friend took acid and murdered all of us at college except me, 'cos I killed him in self-defence. Then I got blamed for the murders. It was unfortunate.

Happiest moment you can think of?

Well, everything else aside, when me and Cretzal (and most of the other Homojournalists) slept round someone's house after a party, and he kept doing seal impressions was pretty damn brilliant. 

No, he didn't sing "Kiss From A Rose" to me.

The clueless naivety of the person's father was quite amusing too:

- "I'll get you another sleeping bag."
- "No need, we'll share."
- "Oh no, I won't force you two to share..."
- "You wouldn't be forcing us."
- "...?"

If you could go back and change something about your life what would it be? 

I'd campaign for surgery on my mouth and jaw more forcefully when I was younger. I would've gotten it free as corrective surgery rather than cosmetic, but now it'll cost something like £999,999,999, which I won't have until at least three months of saving. 

If you were stuck on a deserted island which one book, movie and person would you want to take along?

Well, the book's easy: "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy. It's a beautiful book, and you are hereby ordered to go and buy it as soon as you've read this post. Not before though, because that would be rude.

Movie? Well, assuming we have a TV and DVD player, "Easy A" - I AM Olive Penderghast. If not, the "Prisoner: Cell Block H" box set might be useful, as 174 discs could be good for burning, producing heat and smoke so you can be found.

The person?

You could strand us on Mars and I'd be happy - we'd be naked in minutes.

Who, other than your significant other, would we have to give you for sexy-times to get you to give us all your money?

Look directly above the question.

Who would you rather 'have'/'do'/etc - Justin Bieber or One Direction?

There's one Justin Bieber, and he's Justin Bieber. There's 5 people in One Direction, and none of them are Justin Bieber. A sixsome with One Direction, thank you.

Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk?

Well, passing out and not finishing this wasn't exactly A* material, was it? Also, I once passed out in a ditch while drinking mead that the friend from the weird dream gave me. Maybe it was a symbolic, prophetic dream.

...god, that took AEONS to type...

Yours sheepishly,

James.

Eli fed me vodka-soaked plums that tasted of coffee, vodka-jelly baby sludge that tasted of diabetes and vodka-soaked raspberries that tasted of sadness. No wonder I passed out. I think she was trying to date-rape me, but I've examined myself and I don't think I have any unaccounted-for marks...