Business as usual.

I am the two small rectangles.

That was the post that appeared on our private FB group wall last night, from Eli. Why, you ask? What can cause this fine, even-tempered, upstanding young gentleman to become an unresponsive, slightly drooling puddle of boy on the sofa?

Homojournal, that's what.

Damn you.

You see, this week is "Drunk Post Week", and ideally we'd be answering the questions we've set each other in real time, typing while drunk, but, in a practically prescient display of forethought, Eli and I decided it'd be safer to record our ramblings, then transcribe what we said/meant to say.

Everything after 8) is being done hyped on Boost and Solpadeine instead, because:

1. I passed out;
2. I have no alcohol left;
3. I have a headache, and this kills two avianoids with one small, smooth rock.

~ Questions They Asked Me While Somewhat Tipsy ~

Describe each of the Homojournal writers in a few sentences. 

Mel: Well, she's blonde. Or brunette. I forget which. Let's go with black. I think. She'd make a great Queen, 'cos she'd make binge drinking for everyone but her the law, and she does medicine so she can heal us all afterwards.

Rory: When Wholock was created, it was with Rory in mind. We have an in-joke about one of our mutual friends in tight, white pants. Not so much an in-joke, really, as a mutual fantasy. This is weird.

Miu: Well, we have a history. It started when I kicked her in the head, and she walked after me menacingly like the girl from The Ring. It detoured through assault and madness.

Becky: Fresh meat! Erm, what? Anyway, I have little to say so far, seeing as I've yet to meet her. She seems nice, and I'm sure, being Mel's friend, she'll have some form of mental aberration.

Eli: My Mum knows her as "the strange girl" and my Dad knows her as "the one with odd hats". She gave me alcohol so obviously she's lovely.

Todostrieb: She has excellent fashion sense and boobs, and I've inherited a facial expression from her. We have shockingly identical taste in men.

EDIT: I've just read Todostrieb's scheduled post, and she references that last bit about her. So, um, yeah. I now feel awful that that wasn't my "Embarrassing confession" or "Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk".

That's a lie, I don't feel bad at all, I was just talking to him while typing this post, I'm going to Hell.

Which LGBTQ issue you feel most strongly about and why?

Well, gay marriage, or, as it's more properly known, "marriage", is quite high on the list. I don't know if I'm the marrying type, or if I'll marry a guy, but it might be quite nice for others to be able to do so without getting attacked by a mob.

Would you rather have a horse the size of a rabbit, or a rabbit the size of a horse- explain your reasoning in no less than 200 words.

LOOK AT IT.

A picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm 816 over the minimum.

Summarize the entire world LGBTQ history in no more than 200 words (ie what you think everyone... absolutely everyone should be told).

All accurate descriptions of me.

This describes most LGBTQ people, so it'll have to do.

Embarrassing confession?

When I was in Year 4 I gained a strange sort of popularity as a kind of wedding planner. You know those cute kiddy-weddings that kids had in the playground? Yeah, I took over organising them and the decorations. I used tinsel and "Congratulations!" banners from our loft - I must've been the campest 8 year old anyone'd ever seen.

Your weirdest dream?

I had a dream where my friend took acid and murdered all of us at college except me, 'cos I killed him in self-defence. Then I got blamed for the murders. It was unfortunate.

Happiest moment you can think of?

Well, everything else aside, when me and Cretzal (and most of the other Homojournalists) slept round someone's house after a party, and he kept doing seal impressions was pretty damn brilliant. 

No, he didn't sing "Kiss From A Rose" to me.

The clueless naivety of the person's father was quite amusing too:

- "I'll get you another sleeping bag."
- "No need, we'll share."
- "Oh no, I won't force you two to share..."
- "You wouldn't be forcing us."
- "...?"

If you could go back and change something about your life what would it be? 

I'd campaign for surgery on my mouth and jaw more forcefully when I was younger. I would've gotten it free as corrective surgery rather than cosmetic, but now it'll cost something like £999,999,999, which I won't have until at least three months of saving. 

If you were stuck on a deserted island which one book, movie and person would you want to take along?

Well, the book's easy: "The God of Small Things", by Arundhati Roy. It's a beautiful book, and you are hereby ordered to go and buy it as soon as you've read this post. Not before though, because that would be rude.

Movie? Well, assuming we have a TV and DVD player, "Easy A" - I AM Olive Penderghast. If not, the "Prisoner: Cell Block H" box set might be useful, as 174 discs could be good for burning, producing heat and smoke so you can be found.

The person?

You could strand us on Mars and I'd be happy - we'd be naked in minutes.

Who, other than your significant other, would we have to give you for sexy-times to get you to give us all your money?

Look directly above the question.

Who would you rather 'have'/'do'/etc - Justin Bieber or One Direction?

There's one Justin Bieber, and he's Justin Bieber. There's 5 people in One Direction, and none of them are Justin Bieber. A sixsome with One Direction, thank you.

Biggest regret/worst thing you've done whilst drunk?

Well, passing out and not finishing this wasn't exactly A* material, was it? Also, I once passed out in a ditch while drinking mead that the friend from the weird dream gave me. Maybe it was a symbolic, prophetic dream.

...god, that took AEONS to type...

Yours sheepishly,

James.

Eli fed me vodka-soaked plums that tasted of coffee, vodka-jelly baby sludge that tasted of diabetes and vodka-soaked raspberries that tasted of sadness. No wonder I passed out. I think she was trying to date-rape me, but I've examined myself and I don't think I have any unaccounted-for marks...

Maybe I was hypnotised.

Greetings, Constant Reader! Another week, another topic, and this week brings us the exciting "LGBTQ Celebrities - Is It Anyone Else's Business?".

Now, when I first heard this, I had two immediate thoughts. I could write about someone we know is LGBTQ:

Such as this guy we almost never mention.

Or someone I really want LGBTQ:

Also a relatively unknown guy here on Homojournal.

But no, I shall be unexpected. I won't write about teenage hunks, I shall, for once, target a man of a different kind.

Why, hello there.

That beautiful man there is Derren Brown, and he has long been an inspiration to me. As an illusionist, he gets to paddle around in the more eldritch swamps of most peoples' minds, and his large-scale experiments (often on TV) are some of the most interesting things that have ever been on. I love Psychology, so I love him. According to 16 year old me he didn't even have a sexuality; It'd be like asking about Pikachu's sexuality - sure, some weirdos will be interested, but the majority of us sane folk won't.

Well, turns out those weirdos were onto something. 

But not with this. This didn't need thinking about.

As stated here, Derren Brown IS gay. When I first discovered this (admittedly about 4 years after he came out), I was already writing for Homojournal, and so his sexuality hadn't had any effect on me: his mentalism made me interested in the human mind, but I was always going to be who I am sexually, regardless of who shared his bed with him. And that, I feel, is the main point of this (admittedly brief) post: if they don't want to share it openly, and they're already people who impress and inspire, then why should celebrities have to tell us if they don't identify as straight?

All I'd like is to know if it improves my chances of sleeping with them.

Yours truly,

James

Although seriously, Tom Daley and Ezra Miller are hot enough to melt diamond. Any chance of a foursome? Threesomes generally go badly, but maybe a foursome would work. Plus, imagine what Derren could make the others do...

Finally, having Instagram payed off.

The theme this week, in-keeping with the current events in the UK, is basically "Drool-worthy Olympic Sports", and I had no problem coming up with my post (even if I did have to fight Miu for the right to do it). You see, I have Instagram, which I use primarily for taking arty shots of clouds, peacocks, electricity pylons and the like, but also for viewing other peoples' photos. It's kinda like Twitter, and as such, you "follow" other people, and I decided to follow Tom Daley, because, well, Olympics coming up, UK talent and all that. This is the first photo I saw:

Excuse me while I fall off my chair.

I am literally having a mental affair with Tom Daley, cheating on Ezra Miller. This manboy is literally the most amazingly beautiful creature on the surface of any planet in this Universe. I mean, just, gah, look:

Gah.

He is sickeningly good looking, and only 18, too, a perfect candidate for turning gay in a night of wild lust contemporary of mine. But it's not just the esteemed Mr. Daley that's seemingly dodged every branch on the ugly tree on his 10.0 dive from Heaven. It's others, too, and Diving makes for some admirable qualities:

Good body.

Evidently not easily scared.

Can anyone say "flexible"?

So, yes, Diving certainly qualifies as "drool worthy".

Tom Daley marry me and do awful things to me.

Did you hear something?

I love you Tom I'll let you be the Dom.

Must be the wind.

As always, we're freely available at homojournal@gmail.com (especially to Tom Daley), but for now, I'm off to browse Instagram.

And send Tom Daley some nudes.

Yours stalkingly,

James.

Only bad WiFi is stopping me from actually sending Tom Daley nudes.