How Not to introduce you gay lover to your parents…

Many say that a good, healthy relationship is one where you can be completely open with everyone, and one that you do not need to hide from people. Sure, you may get some kind of kick from hiding it, but for the most part, it will just end up tearing you up inside. You will end up having to hide your emotions around the house and will be unable to seek comfort when things go wrong. You will at some point have to lie to your beloved parents and you could lose their trust, if they ever find out about it all.

<3

But there are cases, when it is important that you do hide it, for example:

• If you are not self-sufficient, and risk being kicked out
• If being found out would put you in any sort of physical danger
• If it could lead to loosing your job (illegal in the UK I think…)

Ways in which you could hide your relationship

•  Lock your phone, password protect everything
• Avoid doodling their name on everything
• Swear that you two are just REALLY REALLLY good friends
• Always deny
• Don’t post about anything concerning your relationship on facebook, or any other social network site
• Delete your internet history
• Limit the amount of people that know. Only tell those you can trust to keep it a secret.
• Don’t show PDA
• Control when you are seen together in public
• Don’t talk about her/him more than you would any other friend
• Make sure your siblings don’t find out
• Keep your sex toys in a locked box.. and the lube.

Useful websites:

How to keep your parents from knowing you have a boyfriend or girlfriend

how to be in a relationship without your parents knowing

How to have a secret relationship

How to keep a boyfriend that your parents don't like

How to hide a girlfriend if your parents don't like her

how to hide a lesbian relationship

Other websites: 

How to have a healthy gay relationship

Information about gay men coming out of heterosexual relationships

Convince your parents to let you marry the girl of your choice

How to introduce your girlfriend to your parents

Taking your (gay) boyfriend home to meet your parents

Forum: How to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your family

Video: how to introduce your (lesbian) girlfriend to your parents

...................................

To me, it appears that if you are in a situation at home, where you would be kicked out and your safety and comfort could be compromised, it may be best not to be in a relationship. I know, you lurrrveee him. But hard as it is to accept, we have to remember that teenage relationships don’t last forever, and you can have all that messing around, when you leave home (perhaps when you go to university), when you can find your own lgbt circle to support you and be there for you, if your parents disown you. Right now it’s too much of a risk. Self-preservation in the short term is the most important. Be patient.

That being said, I haven’t been in that situation. I can’t really judge. So I hope that all the websites I’ve listed are helpful to anyone that really needs it. 


eli x


ps, I have guest-slave in mind that I will hopefully be able to blackmail into writing a post about her cousin's experience... so will try to get that posted in the near future

Install Locks on Your Bedroom Door

Speaking from personal experience, it is not ideal to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend while you are covered in love bites. Although, having said that, my parents have a rather relaxed view on my dating; it’s rare they would intervene. Mel spoke about us as a family of spiders, and what she wrote was true, but really mummy and daddy spider are quite reasonable.  I’ve been told they might step in if they thought a relationship was abusive, or they were a drug dealer/demon, but there’s an element of trust. If I did introduce them to a complete idiot whom I was dating, I like to think they would have the tact not to ridicule him to his face; mocking me later may ensue.

Here’s my list of what not to do when dealing with introductions:

• Do not get caught in bed with them, that is not something your parents need to see even if they are lenient
• At first, maybe a quick hello is better than the huge family reunion; get your boyfriend/girlfriend to pop in and say hi before making a speedy escape, think of it as a pilot introduction
•  Sunday roast is possibly not the best time, those cooking tend to get a little stressed out
• Bribe your siblings with vodka and jelly babies to tell your family nothing but good stories about them, hearing the story of your boyfriend/girlfriend's naked arrest is not the first impression a judgemental parent needs
• For the love of god do not have your parents as friends on Facebook
• Now is not the time to use nicknames unless utter humiliation is your goal here
• If it’s a guy get them to shave, it freaks my nan out if teenagers have beards, I assume other older generations may agree
• Do give parents prior warning, especially if the relationship is lgbt, unless you want your partner by your side when you come out

Apparently a logical combination

I would never judge a partner by how they get on with my family; I understand how annoying my mother can be and how strange my young teenage sister is. Although, perhaps I would look harshly on someone who found my adorable four year old sister annoying, or treated her badly. Luckily everyone seems to love her, poor dumb fools.

Todostrieb,

Please send all nudes to our email address (which I forget)

Spiders, Monkey Brains and Casserole...

The household of Mel is full of Kauai wolf spiders. Not literally, although, I have always wanted a pet tarantula. I mean that, in terms of family relationships we seem to be modelled on this breed of spider instead of Homo sapiens. After mating and conceiving the female tries to eat the male. Luckily my dad has infinite patience and can hold his own. In times of stress or starvation the mother will eat her young. My sisters and I have learnt to avoid my mum while she is dieting. In return when we grow old enough to leave the nest, we too will turn cannibal and eat our parents as a send off.  In other words we don’t get on well.

Say what you like. I think spiders are cute.

Don’t get me wrong, my family of spiders belongs together, who else would buy me a kilo of apples a day? All I’m saying is that we’re not exactly close in the traditional sense. As a result, my mum and I play a game of secrets. The rules of the game are as follows: admit to nothing, give her no information about your life, steal all the teaspoons/keys/plums and see which entertaining events follow.  I never introduce boyfriends or girlfriends willingly. If anyone has read my particular awkward and overdramatic coming out post, you will know that my family drew blood from a stone, discovered the Holy Grail and moved Everest to England before they found out my sexuality.

I have great respect for those families who share every aspect of each other’s lives. I’m sure it’s not all roses and peacocks, so I’m not particularly jealous. But, I must admit, I am curious as to what it would be like to come home and tell my mum or dad everything that had happened that day. I have a friend like that, her relationship with and inability to lie to her mother once resulted in her announcing that she had helped me choose a thong to buy whilst they were eating casserole one evening.

Anyway (I say anyway a lot in posts don’t I?), what I mean to say is that I tend not to introduce my boyfriends or girlfriends at all. After I am inevitably outed by my traitorous bitch of a sister, I’m normally teased for several months at family meals until the next scandal. Granted, any teasing is interrupted by strange debates, arguments or disgusting scientific revelations that only my mum and I enjoy discussing. Did you know that it’s harder for a guy to pee when his bladder is not completely full than it is for a girl? That was an interesting Sunday roast, there were diagrams.  However, all teasing is in good humour. My family works in a sort of Darwinian way, you grow a thick skin around the age of twelve or you spend all your time crying.

The introducing of boyfriends (a girlfriend has never been formally introduced as anything other than a friend) always feels more like offering up human sacrifice. The position of the moon, food and activities has to be chosen perfectly. The boy in question normally squirms and tries to get out of it, having heard my stories of my wolf spider mum. However, in a technique that has taken fifty years of practice, my mum then makes me look like an exaggerating idiot by being really incredibly nice. Do not be fooled. The wolf spiders dig traps, before you realise it, it is too late and both your legs are missing.

I remain, absolutely and 100% sure,
that mummy spider is waiting for my engagement party
to serve my beloved chilled monkey brains Indiana Jones Style.  

In other news, I mentioned in my coming out week post that I was going to come out to my little sister, who I thought may be joining me in the LGBTQ community. Well, I came out to her in my typically awkward fashion. She promptly ignored it and got a boyfriend. My gaydar is, as ever, sadly misguided. 

As always feel free to comment or email at homojournal@gmail.com. We'll be back next week with our Jubilee themed posts...I have a little something about the Queen's knickers planned and hopefully Todostrieb will do us a spiffy patriotic homojournal banner. 

The key here is subtlety...

To some extent, introducing your partner is almost like a 2nd coming out. Before you do this, your family may just assume that it's just a phase, that you're confused or you're just trolling them. However, once you introduce another person into the equation, that changes, because immediately your actions take on a much larger significance in your family's eyes (I mean, come on, now you're wagering other people's emotions; I suppose you could just be a psychopath though).

"I'm just with you for the LOLs."

As such, it's very important to do it right. The wrong approach could colour their opinions of your lifestyle permanently, forever lending your relationships a "Let's not talk about it, maybe it'll go away." air. For instance, if the first time they see your partner they're bent over a table wearing nothing but a nice shirt, they're unlikely to put much stock in your claims that it's a true, emotional relationship, and if they run into your love at the local S/M dungeon, they're unlikely to believe your claims that it's a calm, stable relationship.

Although this is likely going to be sidelined by the fact that your family members apparently frequent S/M dungeons in their spare time.

So, yes, subtlety. Tell them calmly, possibly with said person present so they don't think you're lying hide your crippling lack of success with both sexes. You could even have a BOGOF event, and come out at the same time, but that's really for experts only (however you become an expert in this situation). Hopefully if you've come out already, they can't be too unappreciative. Just do it subtly. This isn't something you really want to do brashly, mainly because if you come out badly, it's awful for you; if you reveal a relationship badly, it's awful for both of you, and having your partner unhappy is something that's (at least according to me) quite frankly unbearable.

It's actually the same as a heterosexual relationship, really: just follow the opposite of my advice on how to come out.

Which means sadly no French maid outfit.

For better or worse, you can contact us at homojournal@gmail.com.

Yours faithfully,

James.

I hope Cretzal read this post, and it made him very uncomfortable.

Inanimate objects that look like our Homojournalists

James

Eli

Mel

Rory

Miu

Todostrieb

Straight and Proud (and by "proud" I mean not ashamed)

All week we have been reading about all the nice perks about being LGBT, as well as some downsides. I reckon it is all a bit silly thinking about it, because it is not like we have a choice over it and wouldn't want this week to be perceived as a way of persuading people into being LGBT. I hope we all realise how ridiculous such an idea would be.

Anyways, having said this, I am here to defend heterosexuality (as if it needs defending); so I made a list of what I believe could be considered perks about being straight.

1- I know what I want. 
I may be confused about many things, but my sexuality is not one of them. I like men, always have and - most likely - always will. I didn’t have to go through that weird stage most people in the LGBT community have to go through where everything is confusing and full of "do I like guys or girls? Is the way I am feeling a one-off thing? Am I a freak? Am I ok with this?" ecc. Sure I had the occasional "how do I know I am not lesbian?", but I managed to quickly test and refute that hypothesis. I am happy that at least one thing in my life is certain… or relatively so. By now you must all know about my crazy idea that we are all inherently bisexuals, just to different extents (if not, you seriously need to catch up! Start by clicking here).

2- I know how to get it. 
I admit, this is a bit of a silly point, so I will not waste much time on it. What I mean is that there are  plenty of novels and life stories and advice, even from scientists, on how boy-girl interactions work. So I am more informed on how to "lure my victim into my love trap", and stuff like that (have you not read any girly magazines??).

3- Bodies fit perfectly together, like a glove. 
It is as if our bodies are modelled to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. All is, of course, adapted for reproduction, but I just love that cosy feeling. I mean, isn't it awkward being face to face when boobs smash against boobs and penises against penises? I say so, but I love hugging my best friend - a girl with massive boobs (no Mel not you) -  and boobs are comfy… Okay, that is not the point, you get what I mean, right? Moving on.

4- Saving the human race.
Yes, yes, slightly melodramatic; but if mankind were to be on the brink of extinction, and sperm banks were destroyed, we can repopulate the Earth. Although I guess technically if you are a lesbian you can still have straight sex, even though you wouldn't enjoy it, and bisexuals have no problems, but let's ignore that just for the sake of argument and because I don't have much to say. Previous posts have been talking about how IVF is a perk (though I fail to understand why)... well straight people can have both ;) And by that I mean we can reproduce both sexually or by IVF. Also, the knowledge that the child contains both parents' genes is a lovely feeling, passing on your genes and stuff and knowing that there is a human being that is both you and your other half. I think it is quite wonderful to recognise each other in that cutie face that somehow resembles both at  the same time. Maybe it gives a feeling of accomplishment? I wouldn't know and have no plans of finding out soon (you can sigh in relief hun).

5- Living in peace.
Of course it is all relative, and I do not mean free from war (let's be realistic here). All I mean is freedom from things such as gay-bashing, or be able to walk hand in hand with your loved one without being stared at judgementally (though, may I just add that straight inter-racial relationships are still stared at v.v). Heterosexuality is considered the norm, and it is perfectly (socially) acceptable. In fact, it is what some societies and the church EXPECT us to be like. But let's not get into an argument about how they are despicable human beings.

6- No expectation to declare our sexuality.
As discussed in week 7, I am referring to "coming out". Everyone is considered to be straight until the individual "comes out" stating differently. Therefore, we do not have to face those awkward conversations with family (apart from "the talk" dreaded by every teenager) and friends.

7- Marriage approved by the Church.
Straight people can get married in the Church and be recognised by everyone. Even if I personally don't see why someone would care for the Church's approval, I understand that there are some religious people in the LGBT community who look for acceptance from their respective authorities or whatever. Anyways, at least we get a choice, which is always nice (who has more choice now, huh?)

8- I can donate blood 
Oh yes, to quote one of the questions: "Male donors only; in the last 12 moths have you had oral or anal sex with a man, with or without a condom?" They even ask if you are a prostitute *giggles childishly*.

9- Fewer people to be jealous of :D
If you are in a relationship with a straight person, you have  half the world (more or less) . If he is a straight man, there is no need to be jealous of his male friends (unless you are afraid he might become gay in which case, seriously, stop obsessing). Of course I am only talking in general as I am not a jealous person - when someone is as amazing as me jealousy is a ridiculous concept.

10- More diversity in the relationship.
Just a way of saying how each person plays a different and distinct role in the relationship. Similar to the way, in a gay relationship, one is conceived as the male while the other one is the female. Also, in a gay relationship, and I will just be bold and say it, there can be: wanking, blow jobs, anal. That is all. In a straight relationship, on the other hand, there can be: wanking, fingering, blow jobs, licking, anal, "actual sex" and tit-wank. See? Diversity.

11- The world is our battle field.
What I mean by that is simply that there is no need to go to gay bars or gay web sites. There is a greater chance that a random person you meet and fancy is straight rather than gay. Don't think I need to expand on that, it is really straight forward.

12- Most importantly, I love being straight because like guys and not girls ;)
Which is really all that matters.

So that is my list. If you have anything to add or criticise (I do enjoy constructive criticism), then feel free to comment.

Love,

Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

Repent, heterosexuals!

As a bisexual, my life is quite a good one. I know the most obvious choice of topic to talk about this week is the "more choice" one, but I'm guessing that someone will have mentioned that by now, and, besides, it makes my sexuality sound like a McDonalds menu.

"Right, one same sex partner, one coke. That'll be £2.68."

However, that's literally all people can think of. Even Todostrieb had to take the theme to some rather unusual extremes to think of something to write. And that was what it was like with me; a few failed attempts to write something meaningful, followed by desperately trying to make LGBTQS into a word (I got QUEST if you add in U and E, but what on Earth would they stand for? Underestimated?). It was, in the end, a holiday with some of the Homojournalists (including Cretzal - more on that next week) that gave me the answer. And made me have to post late, but no matter.

I have never met a boring bisexual person, or a boring gay person, or a boring anything-but-S person.

Here's a Google Image result for "straight pride":

Oh my, the fun, the fun.

And here's one for "gay pride":

Feel free to make your own comparisons.

Now, unless you're one of those people who no-one likes, who like the quiet, the bland and the effortless, you know which one's better. I like loud, I hate bland (I douse my food in chilli), and I like excitement and difficulty and adrenaline. And that's why I feel lucky that I'm un-straight - due to the inherent riskiness and fabulousness of being LGBTQ, there's a much higher likelihood that LGBTQ people are much more similar to me, and will revel in the loud chaos of my parties, enjoy the lip-melting spiciness of my food, and will accompany me if I decide I want to climb that hill with an 89° incline. And that's the crux of the matter.

The main perk of being LGBTQ is being with other LGBTQ people, at least according to me.

As always, any complaints, criticisms or recipes involving more than 2 tbsp of chilli should be sent to homojournal@gmail.com,

Yours loudly,

James.

I should clarify: me and Cretzal broke up, and he hates loudness, spiciness and is generally lazy and fat and crap. He also seemed to think it's acceptable to have anal sex with your ex-girlfriend while still going out with your current-boyfriend. Repeatedly.

The Joys of Being Queer

Hello fello Queerdos...

I'm back posting on my normal day, woohoo! *starts dancing*
This week's theme, if you don't know already, is "the perks of being lgbtq..". So I, Eli, shall inform you about some of the perks of being queer!

In my mind, I'm cool like this...

UNO
Queer-ness, is the unwillingness to admit to a sexuality; it is to say: I am all of the above and sometimes not. The first perk you get, is choice. There are plenty of people in the sea.

But if you think about it, you have to subtract the ones that don't like your bait, and ones you don't want to attract.. and the ones that live in a completely different pond or sea or ecosystem, unless you move.. So the choice perk is confusing. I'm not one of them people that holds the capacity of wanting to bang everyone, and I think that gay, bi, straight - whatever you are, only you have the capacity to completely lust over a few people at the same time.

Take for example, being in a gangbang with 9 glisening muscly men. You may be physically attracted to them all, or you may not like the look of some, but still, you will have a select few that you like more than the rest of them. (not that you should be ranking your gangbangers.. you should probably be enjoying it, or calling for help if you don't... ).

Gangbang? No thanks..

Did I make my point clear? - I'm not sure. I have a headache, leave me alone.

DOS
Second perk... being able to be in a non-straight relationship (yes, we're talking girl-on-girl or boy-boy-what-you-call-it).  Jeff Murdoch, on the BBC series Coupling  said "being a lesbian all the advantages of being a man with less embarrassing genitals plus every time you have sex theres four breasts. Two guest breasts and two you can take home afterwards, oh its bloody brilliant."

Don't you want to use me?

It's wonderful. Girls are pretty, well, at least my girlfriend is (*boasts*), and there's no need for birth-control. As Mel pointed out earlier, you can't get your gay lover pregnant! Think of all the teenage fun you can have..

TRES
That brings us onto the third perk: Artificial insemination!! (If I chose to do it the gay way).
No normal straight couple will be able to feel the joy of sticking a turkey basen in your baking hole to create a two legged ball of cuteness. Hazzah! I look forward to it *stares at Mel* you're going first though.. I don't want to risk messing myself up... not that I think it'll be dodgy..... >.<

CUATRO
Knowing who you're REAL friends and family are... because if they can't accept you as the sexually confused strange being you are, why oh why will you want to hang around with them. If they can't accept, you're just forced to move on.

Which is easier to do, when they've kicked you out of the house, or have stopped talking to you.. Your real friends and family will stay by you, no matter what you are, and no matter what kind of thing they find out about you.

CINCO
Also, understanding. Being a minority, you'll find loads of amazing people on the edges of society who have refused to conform to the social norm and just shine... for example, look at us wonderful Homos..

Dammit, I'm the chubby mouse, aren't I ¬¬

SEIS
Sixthly, spreading awkwardness, and getting stared at in public. It's like being Madonna. It's fabulous.. *hides behind Mel*

SIETE
We homos can wave the rainbow flag! Also, gay bars, and Birmingham, and the PRIDE!!

Rub some gay on you...

....

I laugh at how each explanation gets shorter and shorter..

Send me all hate mail at homojournal@gmail.com

eli x

The Perks of Being LBT/BLT

When asked to write about the perks of being a lettuce, bacon and tomato chunk of hunky deliciousness I was initially surprised as sandwiches are sidelined, ignored at the bottom of bags, and devoured. We are ostracised. Left at the back of fridges half eaten. This is my story.

I was a mistake. My parents told me from an early age. A drunken mistake. I was born from the dark depths of the caverns of leftovers in the fridge. They never wanted me, a strange mixture of health food and calorific bacon.  After maturing for a few long hours, they came to finally appreciate my subtle mix of flavours, the juxtaposition between the crunchy freshness of the lettuce and the smokey undertones of bacon.

nomnomnom

In fact my popularity has spread, slowly but surely, I am now considered one of the most prestigious sandwiches around, you might even call me a celebrity of sorts.  The whole country knows my name; I have met the lips of the very queen herself.  I can keep for a few days in the icy expanses of the refrigerator, an unusually long life time in comparison with those inferior, soggy, sandwiches.

My celebrity status had brought me unwanted attention, sure, but it carried with it a few perks; the prestige, I can part seas of plain bread with but a look. The quality, only the best ingredients are used, smoked bacon, crisp lettuce, organic butter and sun ripened tomatoes. Purpose in life, how many people can really be certain what the point to existence is, mine is simple and easy to fulfil. Be delicious.

Todostrieb,

Please send all death threats to homojounal@gmail.com

Big thanks to Mel who came up with this idea.

The 3 constants in life: change, choice and Homo-Journal

The perks of bisexuality are endless. I, being a bisexual female, enjoy many advantages you mere mortals cannot comprehend. Allow me to list a few:

1. Things don’t get awkward when my male work colleagues rate girls, wolf whistle or attempt chat them up.
2. Things don’t get awkward when my female work colleagues rate guys, wolf whistle or attempt chat them up.
3. A larger dating pool of both male and females.
4. More leeway in my sense of fashion. Nobody has yet questioned my varying styles.
5. More leeway with my hairstyles. Nobody questioned the shaved head incident, which was in hindsight perhaps a mistake.
6. I can make out with my girlfriend in school as much as I like without getting told off. Teachers tend to feel slightly awkward and don’t interfere for worry of looking homophobic.
7. Lesbian sex.
8. Straight sex.
9. Having an excuse to go to gay pride every year.
10. Feeling smug and superior to the masses that have yet to appreciate the beauty of the female form or penis.

Now in all fairness we must list the downsides:

1. The awkwardness of coming out. See week 6 for our coming out stories.
2. Having to assume people are straight until given evidence otherwise.
3. Fancying straight females or gay males.
4. Earning the frowns of the older generations and homophobes.
5. There is never a bisexual box to tick on forms. Only gay or straight. It is very very hard to decide.
6. People who assume you are a slut.
7. People who think bisexuals are just indecisive gays or that it is an experiment.
8. Marriage. We’ll pick this up in a later week. But it’s a very sensitive issue to me. If I wanted to marry a woman I could not stand up in church and declare my love for her in the eyes of God.
9. Having identity crises with alarming regularity.
10. The strange crowd of people who suddenly get bi-curious if you hang around them too long.

So as you can see being a member of the LGBTQ community has its downsides too.

This seems like the opportune time to address the choice issue. Do we choose to be queer? Is it a lifestyle choice? Are we inflicting this on ourselves? The answer is yes only if you believe we can choose who to love. Anybody who has ever had an unrequited love (oh wait, that’s everyone) will know that’s not the case. I don’t choose who I love any more than I manipulate my own blood type.

Looking at those two lists in a detached way it is fair to say that the downsides might put you off being bisexual. My list of downsides is not nearly as bad as some people face and it’s still a little daunting. So, logic says I should give it all up and become straight. And how would I feel about that? God dammed awful. I am bisexual. I can’t change that and shouldn’t want to.

So fare thee well until next week, lots of love,
Mel

I don't have to worry about getting some girl pregnant...

James has been swallowed by the Peak District, so I get to post a few days early again :D

As I sit here writing this, weeks before it gets published, listening to the London Symphony Orchestra's cover of Bohemian Rhapsody and Eye of the Tiger (seriously, they're amazing, go and listen to it), I find myself struggling to come up with perks about being gay, aside from not having to worry about getting some girl pregnant. Because, lets face it, girls are ikky.

This rather obvious fact comes with a very useful by-product: I won't have to suffer those sleepless nights when the devil in baby form arrives after nine months and begins crying because it's.... done whatever babies do - if whoever I end up with wants a baby, we get to skip that stage and adopt one who's approaching the bearable years. How awesome.

Ooooh, Life on Mars. Sorry.

And because of that, there's no 9 month pregnancy break in the sex life either; my partner and I will get to continue in our antics for however long we please, or until our adopted baby needs a new nappy/feeding. And just as Jelly Babies and Vodka are well known to be the recipe for whatever you want, it's also a well known fact that gay sex is just invariably better than its straight counterpart.

On a vaguely related note, neither partner in a gay relationship feels obliged to surrender his coat during a date, nor is it necessary to embrace the 'ladies first' philosophy. Admittedly, this can lead to some awkward moments of you both reaching for the door handle simultaneously to open it for the other, resulting either in an awkward silence in which you both go bright red, or passionate sex in time with The Final Countdown:

As a gay man, aside from the above-mentioned benefits, you also get to help your straight female best friend (because, let's face it, we've all got about a hundred of those) choose her boyfriend, giving you a legitimate excuse to stare at all those guys that you've fancied since Year 8 without either of you feeling awkward. 

I'd like to be able to promise that James will be back with us next Monday, but if the peak district (or even Cretzal) has swallowed him, then who knows when he'll be back with us... for now, I'd just like to leave you all with a shameless bit of self-promoting, and bid you all farewell and until next time.

Not Coming Out Today

You can tell, I've been avoiding this week's theme. I've tried, for weeks to get this article done, it just never works. I just end up lost, half-way through a very long explanation about my family history.. and besides, I have an excuse: this past week, I've had exams EVERY SINGLE DAY. So in my desperation, I swapped with the guest post. (thank you darling Izzy).

 As my title suggests, I haven't come out, not in any proper sense, and I don't think I will. I blame this video here for it:

 

 It's from the youtube channel Onisionspeaks.

Basically, there's no point to coming out, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference to the other person what sexuality you are. Unless you want to bang them.


That makes sense to me. I don't want to bang my mother or father, so I haven't told them that I'm open-minded. It doesn't concern them.

I also don't want to share the relationshipy side to me with them, or anything sexuality-related, because I  don't want the favor returned. Although, that hasn't prevented my mother from sharing WAY too much. And I have borrowed her studded micro-skirt before..

At school, I think everybody knows I'm not in the straight-majority. Making out with my girlfriend in front of everyone has that effect...
I also have a strange fascination with questioning other people's sexuality, and questioning the difference between loving one gender and another. So that gave things away too.

I'm not "in the closet", I'm open to whomever asks, but I'm not going to sit people down, as though I have cancer, and utter the dreaded words.. "I'm GAY", because I don't know WHAT I am. There's no point saying "I'm not straight...". There's no fun in it.

eli x

The burden of being straight

I did not choose to be straight. Honestly. I was born this way. I never really had any doubts about it. I tried kissing girls, but it just wouldn't do it for me. For the longest time I avoided facing this reality, and it wasn't until the age of 11 or 12 that I started giving in to to the astonishing truth: I like guys.

When I told my mom she was not happy. Her daughter was suffering her own misfortune. She kept on trying to convince me I should be lesbian by saying stuff like "Girls are so much easier to deal with, guys will only break your heart, guys are all liars and only want sex". She is always complaining about guys and would rather know I'm with a girl rather than with a guy. But I can't help the way I feel!

Ok, so maybe I never had the obligation of "coming out" as straight, 'cause that is just what society expects you to be. Nevertheless, I technically did "claim it" with my mother as she would always make passing references to me having a boyfriend OR a girlfriend "because you know that would be alright too"; to which I would reply "no mother, I like guys, get over it". So even if I wasn't straight, I know I wouldn't have any problem telling my mom because she would be more than thrilled (she would honestly rather I was a lesbian). My father, on the other hand, might have been a different story. I'm not really sure what his feelings are on the matter but to be honest, I truly believe that one should never be forced to pretend to be someone else. I don't think I would've felt the need to tell anyone either; I mean, why should I "come out"? It is not my fault you assumed I was straight. If anyone asked whether I had a boyfriend I might have told them "no, I'm not interested in guys" and I may have made "hot girl" comments around my friends as I do about guys. I wouldn't hide who I am, I would make it blatantly obvious. I guess that is partly because I grew up with a mother who has always fought for human rights and taught me that we are all the same. I would spend my weekends playing with my mom's friends' kids: many of my mom's friends are gay. So I never ever thought of gayness as being wrong.

Obviously, as I am currently a homo-journalist, I have several gay/bisexual friends. One of whom is my best friend. Several had joked about him being gay, but I very much knew he liked girls while he had never expressed any interest in guys. When he finally accepted the truth and told me he was bisexual, I was not surprised, nor did I have any grand reaction. It was as if he had told me "I like chocolate". Of course this meant I asked him loads of questions on how he felt, when he figured it out, what he was going to do about it, etc. He knew that I would always be there to support him or give any advice if he ever needed it. I personally think being bisexual is amazing. It opens up a whole new world of opportunities! Many more fish available, too. Damn I wish I was bi...

As I have already said before, I don't consider myself to be 100% straight, because I don't think anyone really is. But I am sure of my sexuality. I have kissed girls, but it has never really meant anything. I don't feel what I feel when kissing a guy I like; it's just like kissing a friend. Then again, I've never really "liked" a girl. A kiss means nothing in itself, it is the feelings behind it that count. One day a friend of mine asked me "If you were interested in girls, which girl in the school would you want to go out with?" I spent a few minutes really thinking about that question, and at that moment I realised that I simply could not give her an answer. I wouldn't go out with any of them, and not only the girls in the school, but also the other ones I knew or even famous actresses. It is difficult to explain, perhaps it is like asking a vegetarian to pick between a sausage or a hamburger. I could even go as far as to have sex with a girl, but it would merely be an experience. If a girl asked me out and I said yes, it would just feel like hanging out with a friend and nothing else.

I realise this post is a little confusing (and written quite badly), but feelings are not really easy to describe and I just finished my exams, have been really distracted (if you don't know what I'm talking about refer back to "getting busy with my fetish") and am very tired, so my brain is not really working properly. You will have to forgive me. I will try to make it up to you next week!

Never hide who you are. Who really loves you will support you and if they don't then... are they really worth it?

Love,

Miu xx

P.S. Don't forget to e-mail us at homojournal@gmail.com for any questions, comments, request or if you are bored and have nothing better to do. We are available 24/7 (that is 24 minutes every 7 hours) so try your luck!

Rule #1: Do not expect normality.

By the time you'll have read this, I'll likely be lying in a ditch somewhere near Ingatestone, Essex.

You see, the reason me and Rory had to swap days was that on the day I was meant to furnish you lovely people with an entertaining, well crafted post about how I came out, how to come out yourself, and how to help others, I was instead sitting a Russian exam, wondering what on earth "Благотворительные Oрганизации" meant. 

There is a certain bitter irony in the fact that the International Baccalaureate caused me so much pain and confusion with a phrase that translates to "Charitable Organisations".

But, dear Constant Readers, I've scheduled this post to go out exactly 30 minutes after my last exam finishes, and, believe me, that's enough time to make a bottle or seventeen of vodka vanish, like a magic trick from my liver's worst nightmares. As such, while reading this post, just know that somewhere out there, in the big wide world, the person who wrote this is happy and smiling, and with friends.

If that doesn't cheer you up, just imagine the hangover I'll have afterwards.

Now, onto the post proper:

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I first came out as bisexual while in bed with my straight crush, while we were just in our boxers, at about 4 in the morning. It wasn't even either of our beds, it was a 3rd party's bed. You see, I've never been particularly good at doing things the expected way, or the correct way. That little imp that most people have in their heads, that whispers such things as "No, don't eat the nettle, it will hurt." or "No, don't talk about sausages/bananas/courgettes with your crush, you'll only giggle and run away again." seems to have taken early retirement around my 1st birthday.

I suppose it made a bit of sense for me to come out to Cthulhu first, as he was mainly the reason I'd decided I was bisexual. Up until then, I'd had the occasional "James, you enjoy thinking about men a bit too much..." mental conversation with myself, but they always ended up with me no closer to accepting it and feeling a little like the guy in Fight Club.

Which isn't an entirely negative experience.

But one of the things Cthulhu and I were particularly fond of was sharing secrets, lots and lots of secrets, and he was the first person who'd ever gotten me to do that. Before then, nobody had even guessed I had secrets - I seemed too boring. My secrets were so secret I'd started forgetting them. Until he dredged them up.

But I appear to be straying from the crux of the matter here: semi-naked and in bed together (albeit at opposite ends).

I honestly can't tell you what degenerate part of my brain thought that that was the most appropriate moment to tell him that I, his up-until-now-apparently-straight best friend, had a massive crush on him. Did I think that because he was bereft of clothing he couldn't escape? Was I hoping that he would say the same, and we'd make out in our friend's bed? I cannot say.  All I can say is that, despite being probably more than a little taken aback by the fact I actually said it, he was absolutely fine with it. No rage, no fear, no torches and pitchforks. He even made a joke about it later on, when he said "My boxers feel a bit tight... oh, yeah, that probably wasn't what you needed to be hearing right now."

"No, please, keep talking."

So there I was, officially out to at least one person (the 3rd party followed shortly, because I had come out in her bed after all, she deserved to know). I don't know about you, dear Readers, but once I've done something scary, I want to do it again and again. Thus I set myself a challenge: I had to be out to most of my friends and my parents by the end of college. I am (woo!), but neither of those went particularly to plan either...

Me and Cthulhu had decided that I was going to come out to everyone at the party we were going to before we'd even gotten there. About 2 or 3 months had passed since I first came out to him, and when I got there, it all seemed quite doable. Most people there I either knew or seemed friendly and/or drunk enough, and I was feeling confident.

Until I actually considered the mechanics of it all.

"You must come out to all of these people. You have one hour - go."

The fact that the party goers were legion, and quite a spread out legion at that, had put a significant dent in my plan. By this point I had partaken in quite a few intoxicants myself, and was therefore a little wary of putting myself through all that walking lest I end up in a bush or a puddle or a bear. And then I saw it.

The answer to all my problems.

The tree.

In the middle of the field/park/golf course where we were partying, there sat a large, fallen tree, about 1.5 times my height. Now, to anyone else this tree looked like just another fallen tree, a tad incongruous in the middle of a clearing but no matter, blame ghosts or aliens. But to me, in my drunken, slightly deluded way, it looked like a bloody good stage for a little show I wanted to put on.

The temptation to sing my way through the experience was barely containable. 

While I can't claim to have proclaimed my sexuality to the entire world from the top of that log, I did announce it to quite a few people (to an irritatingly small response - no girls swooned or anything). After that, I just left it to filter through my school's gossip machine on its own. It took a while, and everybody seemed much more interested in the false rumour that me and the 3rd party had made out (oh, the irony), but  it got round in the end, and that just left the stereotypical final boss battle: the parents.

"IT'S JUST A PHASE." - 999 HP DAMAGE.

Except, they were the easiest to tell. I told my Mum about 3 months after the party, flippantly while enjoying a glass of Strongbow. She was unmoved. She had very little reaction whatsoever, except to tell me that she'd thought I was gay once. She had no qualms whatsoever, but she did warn me not to tell my Dad, which was a little ominous. However, after 9 months of not telling him, I just had to - he was the last pertinent person left. I built up some courage, gulped down some Strongbow (it's a favourite drink of mine, don't judge), and said "Dad, I'm bisexual." halfway through an episode of Masterchef: Australia. "I know, your Mum told me ages ago."

This is a recurring theme: I told my Mum about Cretzal a full 3 weeks before I told my Dad, and when I did eventually tell him, he used the exact same phrase, as if he'd copy/pasted it. I just had to laugh.

And that, dear readers, is my advice to you: laugh. Make coming out funny. Do it in incongruous situations. Do it semi-nude. Do it while standing above everyone like Moses with the 10 Commandments. Do it while wearing a French Maid costume just do anything to make it enjoyable, because, y'know, Mary Poppins was right.

A spoon full of sugar and all that jazz.

You're saying the chimney sweep who has a full blown dance number with loads of dirty, sweaty guys isn't totally closeted?

You could email us at homojournal@gmail.com, or you could come and find me in that ditch somewhere, because there's no way I'll remember where I am when I eventually wake up.

Yours drunkenly,

James

Looking back on it, me, Cthulhu and 3rd Party had a habit of doing impolite things in/on each others' beds.

Guests Post - Coming Out

I always feel a little bit stupid telling the story of how I came out, because most people usually have some sort of crazy way in which their parents found out, and I sometimes feel like my story isn’t really good enough. I first started realising that I had a thing for guys when I developed a crush on a person that shall remain unnamed until the end of time, and it absolutely confused the hell out of me, seeing as I had never thought about guys in that way. He was also straight and used to remark "I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality" - he later turned out to be bisexual, which I found incredibly amusing.

Anyway, as my sexual awareness became more and more potent, I also became increasingly aware of how much people seemed to hate gay people at my school. So instead of just straight up telling people ‘I’m bisexual’ and getting my head kicked in by the ignorant chavs who don’t understand anything unless it’s within their own context of reality, I thought I would tell some of my accepting female friends and ask them to keep it a secret. Which they did… for a while anyway.

During that brief time in which all was well, I felt much better knowing my female friends were actually accepting of me, but I still felt down because I had no idea whether my best friend Tom would be at all accepting. I ended up telling him on a swing just outside the youth club that happened on Fridays in our little village, and although he was a little freaked out, he still seemed to be ok with it in the end. He even asked if I fancied him, a concept I actually find rather hilarious now, but back then I was a little offended. Now I had told everyone really important to me and didn’t care for telling anyone else, but about a month after I told Tom, one of my female friends obviously felt the need to.

Pretty much half the school found out within two or three days and I got questions from just about everyone. ‘Why would you want to be with a guy?’ they would ask, as if I was just walking along one day and decided ‘Hey, do you know what’d be a good idea? If I had a sexual attraction towards guys, it's not like I would get any hate from ignorant assholes or anything’. I also got all the threats from the bullies at my school. They already had plenty of reasons to hate me in the first place, so it wasn't that much of a change. They were all empty threats in the end. The kids that wanted to ‘Bash my head in’, they never did. Although those same kids did throw a pencil at me in class on the odd occasion and exclaim rude remarks about my sexuality. It didn't really make a big difference though, because they would probably just be saying something else about my dress sense, or my hair, as if fashion was their primary concern in life.

Telling my family was now the next step. I would always feel the need to tell my mum coming back from martial arts class. The teacher of the class was actually a lesbian and my mum knew this, so it always made me think that she probably didn’t mind gay people, because she would always talk about the teacher in a really good light. It took me about two or three months working up the courage; I would always be thinking about it in the car. I’d often say ‘Mum?’ and she’d say ‘what?’ in her Canadian accent, and I’d reply with ‘Never mind’ and we’d continue on our journey. Anyway, I told her after a while, and she was fine with it, however she felt the need to give me a week long lecture on aids, which I can tell you was really, really fun. She also seemed to think that maybe I’d ‘Grow out of it’. It then took me about half a year to tell my dad when he picked me up in his car to go to his house, his reaction was pretty much ‘Oh, ok, that’s fine’ which was a big relief, and luckily no aids lecture. I then told my brother about four years after I told my dad… yeah, a long time I know.

You see, my brother had never really spoken about gay people and I had some vague ideas about whether or not my father and mother were ok with it, but for all I knew my brother could have absolutely despised other sexualities. I didn’t even directly tell him, I told his girlfriend who later told him. We never spoke about it, but I knew he knew. Whenever I posted a link on facebook about gay marriage or the pope doing his best to do something stupid, he would show his support. I think it must have also taken me a while because he’s actually a really good friend as well as a brother and I really look up to my brother. His disapproval would have pretty much been one of the most depressing thoughts I could have.

Now I’m completely open about it, so open in fact that I’ll even sign off with my name.

– Izzy Spint. Nineteen years of age. Bisexual and proud.

So, when did you tell your parents you’re straight?

It’s not a phrase you hear very often is it? I’m of the opinion it shouldn’t really matter what anyone else’s sexuality is to you, unless you’re trying to hit on them, in which case ask as discretely as possible beforehand to avoid any “dude, I’m gay” moments. Unless you are confident enough in your abilities to attract whomever you wish, but I doubt any of you even come close to me in that respect bitches.

Perhaps it matters a lot more if you think loved ones might have a problem with it, if so, you’re in for a lot of heartbreak, but it’s right to let them know as soon as you feel comfortable. Telling them outright can avoid dramatic scenes form distraught parents, failed exorcisms and blind dates.

Maybe one day in the future, when the eleventh dimension has been discovered and the second season of firefly finally airs, coming out will be a thing of the past.  No one will have a problem with homosexuality, or any other kind of sexuality. Gayness will become an integral part of our culture to the extent where you don’t just assume a person is straight.

Until that day readers,

Todostrieb…sorry this was so short, IB :’(

Please send all death threats to homojournal@gmail.com

What Did One Lesbian Frog Say To another?

Ah, coming out. I’m very torn here. To some people I was never IN the closet. To others I’m not yet OUT of the closet. It all gets very confusing.

If Harry Potter taught us anything it's that nobody should live in a closet...

I had my first girlfriend aged 10, we exchanged kitkats and jellybeans on Valentine’s Day, and our matrimonial vows in the dinner queue. My mum was supportive but I think the dreaded words ‘it’s just a phase’ were uttered in hushed tones.

Now, I am not afraid of what people think of me. I am quite willing to shout from the rooftops to anyone who would listen about my sexuality, so why do my parents not know I’m bisexual? I simply never felt the need to announce it to them. I am not very close to my family; I keep both boyfriends and girlfriends quiet until I get ratted out by my sisters.

The closest I have come to coming out is awkwardly confessing to my mum that I had a girlfriend after my grandparents spent hours questioning me about my latest conquests. We concluded that my grandparents would spend a lot of time reassuring me that they loved me, and that it was wonderful I had a girlfriend, but would actually spend quite a bit of time worrying about it, so we kept it quiet. I can only assume, since she has heard rumours of my relationships with both males and the fairer sex, that she realises I am bisexual.

As for my father, I am never quite sure about him. I assumed my mum had told him I had a girlfriend, but he seemed completely oblivious when I claimed to be going out this past February 14^th with Eli, so who knows?

My twin sister knows I am bi, my younger sister does not. I have never seen the point in announcing formally my sexuality, particularly as I find sexuality horribly confusing, until recently that is. I sneakily read some of my younger sister’s texts, and they hinted at her not being as straight as I first assumed. I am worried that she is carrying this secret around with her. So in a show of good spirit, I am planning a way to come out slightly more formally, setting a hopefully good example for her. Even if she’s as straight as an arrow it’ll teach her to keep an open mind. She can ask me awkward questions when she gets a bit older, I’ll be her cool, sexually liberated big sis.

Now to the crux of the matter: I’ve said I don’t mind people knowing that I’m Bi, I’ve said that I’ve never suffered for my sexuality (see week 2 gay-bashing) and as far as I’m concerned the people who matter already know. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny tiny part of me that’s still afraid.

I pride myself of identifying my emotions and the reasons behind them. I make it a point not to lie to myself ever, even when it’s painful, because it’s important to know who you are. So, I think, just this once, it’s safe for me to tell you that,  despite all the bravado, the PDA’s and the pride I have in being part of the queer community, I am scared to formally come out. Yes you heard me, the fearless Mel is scared.

Why? Because part of me still believes that being bisexual isn’t quite normal. Like anybody else I want to fit in and the majority are straight. I don’t want to be left out, on the edges of society getting funny looks all the time. But my girlfriend is beautiful; I want to show her to the world. I’ll stand behind her smiling all the while. Let me make it clear that I am not ashamed in anyway.

Then part of me feels selfish. My friends, family and even church would support me if I came out officially. Despite the awkwardness of a formal coming out, as far as I can see there’s always a lot of build up and then the response is actually quite underwhelming, I think it is my duty to do so. I don’t think coming out will pose any challenges that I will not face gladly if the reward is being myself; but, there are the LGBTQ’s that face abuse, harm and alienation when they come out. If I were out of the closet there might be more I could do to help them, even if it was just giving them an example or someone to look up to. My little sister and millions more out there need people like the homojournalists to be out and proud. To yell at the world and make things right, so we can all be in my position.

I am eighteen. I am bisexual. I am Mel. I am afraid of coming out. But I am also proud of who I am. Coming out is the right thing to do, so I’ll do it.

As always feel free to share your stories, thoughts, comments or even guest posts.

I love you all,

Mel

I was gay before I was gay...

OK, so sadly, not all coming outs are like this... maybe, one day, they will be exactly like that, but for now, we have to live with what we've got, and coming out as LGBTQ isn't going to be easy for anybody for a long time yet. I don't necessarily agree with having to come out - it's not as if you come out as being left-handed, or atheist, or ginger, or short or from Mars, so why the hell should we need to come out as LGBTQAP (delete as appropriate)? Seems stupid, but for the time being, we're stuck with it, and we're all going to have to go through it at some point (unless you’re Miu).

Like I say - coming out's just a bit stupid.

I started coming out back in year 7, and have been doing so until about a year ago, when I felt that I'd done enough coming out to last me a lifetime. For me, it was one of the most stressful and confusing times of my life, partly because (and this thought has only just struck me) I started coming out before I was completely sure I was gay myself.

A lot of gay people tend to come out to one or two of their closest friends, then other friends, and eventually, their family. I kind of came out in completely the opposite order – in fact, the first people I told were my Mum and Dad, back in Year 7 after I’d been bullied on the bus home. I got a very mixed reaction from them. On the one hand, my mum, who was, and still is completely supportive of me and frankly doesn’t care if one day I say to her “Mum, I need the house to myself tonight, because my boyfriend is coming round for hot passionate sex.” She’d probably be more concerned if I turned around to her and declared “Mum, I broke your bottle of wine, please don’t kill me.” Anyway, I digress.

I should point out that as much as she loves her wine, my mum isn't an alcoholic...

My dad, on the other hand, took it less well. On the surface, he seemed supportive, if a little shocked, but in the weeks that followed, it was clear that offering me his support was the last thing on his mind – he tried to scare me out of being gay by saying things like “if you’re gay, you’re going to die young because you’ll get HIV which will turn into AIDS, and KILL YOU”, and so on. Long story short, this sort of stuff carried on for at least a year, until I finally decided that I would ‘run away’. I got as far as the bus stop when I a) realised I had no money and b) saw my mum running down the road after me, telling me to come back and that she’d have a word with my dad.

"Why would you come out to your parents first, Rory?" I hear you ask. Well, it wasn’t planned, I promise. Like I said, I only realised I was gay when the words actually left my mouth the night I told them after having been bullied on the bus. "RORY IS GAY" and "RORY LIKES MEN" and "RORY LIKES COCK UP HIS ARSE" were the simplified versions of what they decided they'd write in the condensation on the bus window. Angry, I reacted and started wiping it off, not thinking that in doing so, I was fuelling their fun, and also confirming it.

We've all felt like this at some point, and when you're coming out, this is an all too familiar feeling.

Six months or so later, I came out to my best friend, who just happens to be one of those straight crushes I was talking about last week. How exactly, I can’t remember, although I have a niggling feeling that I came out to him by telling him I fancied him. If anything, he’d have been more surprised at the fact that someone fancies him, than at the fact that his friend’s just told him he's gay. A few weeks after, I came out to another one of my straight crushes. Both were amazingly supportive and I’m sure that between the two of them, they’d kick the living daylights out of anybody else who decides to give me grief for who I am.

When I got to year 9, I started seeing a counsellor, not just because the situation with my dad was worsening, but also because I was starting to get confused about my sexuality again. I wasn’t sure if I really was gay, or bi, or whether or not it was ‘just a phase’. I’d experienced some minor bullying again, which had dented my confidence, and I decided to ask the friends I’d already come out to, to keep it quiet. The next person I came out to was in year 10, after an awkward meeting in the boys changing rooms during a PE lesson (long story, but he was bi and in the closet, neither of us told anybody, horrendous scenario avoided). In years 8 through 11, I succeeded in telling a total of just 8 people, only 2 of whom I'm still in contact with. Ironically, 5 of the other 6 people I told and then lost contact with, were either gay or bi; the two I'm currently left with are both (sadly) straight. Moving on.

It was when I hit the Sixth Form that someone showed me this quote from Dr. Seuss: those who mind don't matter; those who matter don't mind. When they told me that, I decided that it was about bloody time to up sticks and get a move on with this coming out lark, since I'd been comfortable with being gay since about the end of year 9, about the time I stopped seeing my counsellor. And so I set my 'interested in' on facebook to men, and decided that I'd answer 'yes' rather than 'no' to anybody who asked me if I was gay. And here we are. I haven't been attacked or raped or beaten up or whatever, which is what I was dreading would happen. Things just carried on as normal, as if I had always been out, and no kerfuffle was made.

Do I need to say any more?

If there’s anybody left reading this (it is rather long, I apologise) and you’re in the closet and contemplating leaving it, then my advice to you is simple: rather than jumping straight in and announcing to the world you're gay (like this girl, who, it has to be said, is either bloody brave for doing it the way she did, or a complete fool), I think it's probably better to tell a few, close, trusted friends first, so that you have a sort of support network you can go to if things get messy later on (like when it comes to telling your parents, etc.). Once you've done that, and you know that the people who mean most to you are behind you, that's when I'd suggest telling everyone else, although standing up in assembly and blurting it out probably isn't the best way to do it. Things will probably get worse, before they get better, but trust me, they WILL get better!

If you're currently coming out, and would like to share your story with us, please feel free to leave a comment or send us an e-mail with your story to homojournal@gmail.com. If you're already out or are straight, then please do comment or e-mail us anyway!