We can only hope the Jelly Shots don't get hold of the Whip...

This week, us Homojournalist will be reviewing sweets from Ann Summers. I'm not entirely sure why we're doing this, or how it came about, but if I can say anything about the experience, I can say it's been... interesting. Also, I'm writing the Sunday post this week. It'll be a description of all the strange and unusual things we did while procuring our erotic sweeties.

It will be a long post.

I apologise on behalf of the Homojournal to anyone in Westfield who was traumatised by our presence. 

But, I digress - Ann Summers sweets. Being the more cuisine oriented Homojournalist (as well as the greediest), I chose to review two items instead of one: a Liquorice Whip and Lickable Jelly Shots.

As expected, as liquorice the Liquorice Whip is exemplary. What I didn't expect was that it also excels as a whip. 

No images exist of the whip before I ate half of it. I like liquorice.

At 36 inches (before you eat it), it's a perfect length to really get some speed going before impact. I found this out when trying the whip out on my bedroom door. I fully expected the whip to be floppy and ineffective, but it most certainly wasn't. I marked the door-frame for sanity's sake:

I'm not gonna lie; I found this disconcerting.

However, while it was fun wreaking sugary vengeance on the door that had stubbed my toe so many times, I also learned that the packaging of this whip is seriously deficient on safety warnings, warnings such as "WARNING: PRODUCT MAY STAIN." and "WARNING: PRODUCT WILL BLOODY HURT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY HIT YOURSELF IN THE SHIN WHILE BEATING A DOOR.". Further confirmation of the sadistic possibilities of this sweet and terrifying piece of liquorice was found when a friend of mine came round to borrow some money. While handing over the money, I casually mentioned that I was reviewing the whip, and he asked to see it. Like me, he was very impressed by the imposing look of the whip. Unlike me, he wanted it tested on him, and, being a good friend, I did. He seemed to enjoy it, so I suppose that's good.

All in all, the Liquorice Whip is a success. It tastes nice, smells nice and causes pain, and I'm struggling to think of anything else that does all that short of throwing chocolate at your lovers head: 9/10.

The Lickable Jelly Shots, however, are another matter. 

And they looked so inviting, as well.

The idea behind these little pots of jelly is that you rub/lick them all over your significant other's body, and so the flavour and smell is important. The smell is fine.

The flavour? Less so. While trying to delicately craft the flavours of "Brandy", "Red Wine", "Slow Comfortable Screw" and "Sex on the Beach", they seem to have instead settled for a blanket flavour of "Slightly Perfumed Rubber". It's not offensive, per se, but it's not erotic either. And then we have the texture. Here's a photo of the Red Wine Shot after 3 seconds of poking it:

The same effect can be produced by giving a toddler some jam.

Conversely, here's the Sex on the Beach shot after I hit it with the Liquorice Whip:

This stuff should be used as armour by the Army.

As you can see, the consistencies are less than consistent, leaving the possibility of your lover dying of trauma just because they happened to like Sex on the Beach and you tried to massage them with the cranberry, peach and orange flavoured hockey puck that you happen to have to hand. Even that aside, this stuff is still the same texture as congealed raspberry jam, and on the Top 40 list of Least Sexy Words, "congealed" is definitely in the top 10.

But the one thing that I just can't get past is the look of the things:

*wibble*

Look at it. It looks like a humorous and cute video game enemy, not an erotic massage gel. It looks like it divides by mitosis to reproduce.

Post-cytokinesis Jelly Shots. 

If I were to be presented with one of these, I'd keep it in a hutch and call it Gerald, not smear it all over my lovers body. It'd be like whipping them with a kitten: a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of the item. They're just too cute to be sexy.

Oh, look. It divided again.

As a sexual item, these jellies get a measly 3/10. As a cute little pet for the children, they get a solid 10/10. They're cute, they wobble, and they smell much nicer than a cat. The only issue I can foresee is if they gain sentience.

WE ARE LEGION.

As always, we're available for contact at homojournal@gmail.com for complaints, praise and solicitations.

Until next time, Constant Reader,

James.

Words cannot describe the look of confusion on my Dad's face when, after he asked what the jellies on the plate were for, I replied "smearing over your lover's body, then licking it off seductively". I put my parents through so much.