Giant Chocolate Willy

Eli sends her love and apologies for not being able to post today as she's unwell.

For fear of sounding like a grumpy sod, there are few things that will get me really excited; so few in fact, that I decided to make a list:

1. Coffee
2. Chocolate
3. Season 3 of Sherlock
4. Alcohol of any sort
5. Cock.

You can imagine, therefore, just how excited I was when I discovered that Ann Summers sell two of those things in one: a massive chocolate penis. 

It looks bigger here than it actually was...

I was rather looking forward to this particular willy, not just because it was made of chocolate, but because it had cost £8 (plus train fare), I was expecting great things from it. I was a little disappointed then, that shortly after unpacking it from the massive box it came in and before the above picture was taken, I had successfully managed to stick my thumb through the base of the scrotum, causing more chocolate than I had imagined to go flying across my room. I managed to save it all before my dog got at it though... The next thing I noticed was the astounding lack of detail; there were some very small, almost indistinguishable flesh-like creases on the ballsack, which I'd broken, and that was it - the only other thing was the huge line going around the whole thing where the manufacturers had clearly stuck the two halves of the penis together... it was a little off putting to be frank.

This is where I start sounding like a bit of a man-slut, but just to give you an idea of just how massive this thing was, it was a tough job fitting the end in my mouth... and my mouth isn't small... ANYWAY moving on.

My next disappointment came some time after I started eating this penis - the ballsack and half of my penis fell off without warning (the chocolate one, not mine...). While it sounds painful, I confess it made it easier to eat - and since I'd managed to put a hole in the bottom of the ballsack I suddenly had a pretend telescope to spy on my neighbours with.

For anybody considering popping out to their local Ann Summers and buying this, there are a few things I'd advise first:

1. Don't be alarmed by the health warning on the back of the box: "THIS IS AN ADULT PRODUCT." If you are alarmed by it, then you probably shouldn't be buying it.
2. Don't be confused by the "(UP)" which appears on the receipt next to GIANT CHOCOLATE WILLY - I still have no idea what it means, I think they might also have a down one, but I didn't ask.
3. Take your time eating your willy. It's a bit sweet and it's a lot to handle in one go... it took me two days to eat it all.
4. If Chocolate sex is your thing, don't use this as a sex toy, it will break into tiny chocolate fragments at the lightest touch. Unless of course that sort of thing turns you on, in which case seek medical help go for it.
5. If, like me, you're gay and you're male, don't be disappointed by the lack of items aimed specifically for the homosexual market... it is a ladies underwear shop after all...

In short, this was probably the most interesting (and sexual) £8 I've ever spent, and if you love chocolate and penises, it's an £8 well spent, despite some fatal flaws - the line around the edge has traumatised me for life. As a sweet: 7/10. For the chocolate fetishists who engage in chocolate sex: 1/10. Overall: 5/10