I don't know what to say....

And as such, this post will join my other posts which consist of nothing but bullshit and waffle.

The contents of this post.

In a way, I'm glad that Eli has already defined the terms 'dogging', 'cruising' and 'cottaging', because this a) saves me from having to compromise my browsing history, 2) saves me from having to do the same but in a much more confusing manner and thirdly, has told me what these terms mean, although I think I covered this reason in point i). I am also silently cursing her, because I have even less of a clue as to what to write about this week as I thought I would, save from comment on the borderline dogging which occurred in Las Vegas with a certain grandson of the Queen.

When I heard about said grandson's antics in Vegas, aside from wondering what he was doing in Vegas and not in Wales or the Falkland being brave and flying mountain rescue helicopters (or is that William? I can never remember...) I instantly decided that this would be the topic of my post this week, because I said to myself enough times that I actually began believing it that the person who took those photos was dogging... and then I began to realise that dogging is the act of watching other people have sex, most of the time outside, and that the published photos display neither sex nor the hotel exterior, then it failed to qualify.

And so I had nothing to talk about.

Even my friend couldn't suggest what to talk about, aside from talking about gay composers like Michael Tippet or Benjamin Britten or Aaron Copland; a suggestion he quickly retracted when I pointed out that 1) that's got nothing to do with dogging/cruising/cottaging, and b), if I wanted to talk about gay composers, I could just as easily talk about myself, in which case nobody would give a flying fuck anyway.

I think it's for the best that I just don't say much more apart from my opinion.... don't do dogging (is that even grammatically correct?!), because you can watch porn and filter out all the crappy videos you don't like without having to leave your house/room/bed. Don't do cottaging - I find relieving myself in public toilets unhygienic enough; the thought of having sex with a stranger who may possibly be just as hygienic as the cubicle wall he's pressing me up against is simply grotesque. And lastly, don't do cruising (unless it's around the Mediterranean or Caribbean on a boat) because if you get a serial cruiser, then you have no idea where the parts he's putting in you have been before.

The only remaining acceptable alternative to cruising.

Illegal outside-sex fun

I have to say, like James, I'm overjoyed that for once I get to write about a theme that I came up with, and voted for. However, I'm stuck for what to say again, it's another one of them awkward topics that you'd do fine taking to your best friend or diary about, but to write something for the interwebs where it's out for anyone to read... GAh 

So, Cottaging, Dogging and Cruising. Do I need to state definitions? From off the top of my head:

• Dogging - Having sex inside a parked car, usually in a park car-park, with people watching through the windows
• Cottaging - having sex with someone in a pubic toilet
• Cruising -Having sex with a stranger (that you've met in the woods?)

Because googling "gay toilet sex" wasn't as productive as I hoped

I've heard that during the times when being gay was illegal, it was very common for gay people in hiding to engage in cottaging and cruising with strangers in "hotspots", because it wasn't safe for people to have same-sex relationships. They just settled their urges and go about their day, no names exchanged, it was too dangerous. They even had plain-clothed police hanging around some bathrooms to catch the wrong-doers in the act. 

In modern times, all three acts are still common, many-a-times I come across used condoms whilst walking through the woods. It seems that the woods near mine and James' house is somewhat of a hotspot, we call it "the dogging woods", we've been walkies there before together. When a friend moves in nearby, you have to introduce to them all the parks and woods nearby, it's one of the rules. It has a lovely car-park set quite away from roads unlike most parks, which makes it more private and perfect. You have to drive down a little drive-way to get to the car-park, which means that if a police van turns up, a lookout can quickly warn everyone in the act, so you could all get your clothes on in time. "....we're just here to watch the stars Officer...". Gee, I'm sounding like I'm advertising the woods to you all, but really, the worst thing is getting caught.. 

Make sure you have a cover-story :D

Yes, (as if you didn't want to know) you can get arrested if the police find you sexing it up in the woods or the loo, or in the kiddie-park; whether you're doing it same-sexed or different-sexed or multi-sexed. I think they call it "public indecency", as though anyone walking through the woods at that time of night don't expect to see live-porn. The special volunteer police in Essex actually go through the woods with torches trying to catch people in the act. As my mother always says "why can't they just leave the poor buggers alone, they've gone somewhere hidden, they're not hurting anyone..", I agree, the police are no fun :'D 

It has to be on everyone's bucket list :O

For the most part, I don't have anything against dogging, cottaging, cruising and outside sex. I probably wouldn't do cottaging, I'm not too keen on public loos, the others I won't knock. Outside sex is fun if you dig that sort of thing, don't knock it till you try it, as they say... but probs best to be tried on private property. The last thing you want is to have the beach-security people coming up to you to say that people in the hotels next to the beach could see everything you did, and could've easily video-taped you. Worse is if you can't understand French, and they're communicating to you with very loud French and hand-gestures. hehe.......

Time for me to go to bed, 

so NaNight, 

eli x

Also, I must add, I typed this with a half-peeled banana in my mouth, because it's hard to type and eat at the same time. I thought it'll be a good snack when I started, but I was wrong ¬¬

ps, feel free to correct some of my info, I've only got them off the top of my head, from documentaries that I've watched too long ago to be able to recall the names, let alone what happened in them.. We welcome comments, tweets, and emails  >.<

pps, Sorry for my frequent absence, am still in Japan, it's hard to take time to open my laptop. 

Dogging

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Honey, rainbow is so your colour

Work it babes

Well this escalated quickly....

I'm not going to lie. I had no idea what to write about dogging....not without revealing painful memories and traumatising all readers.

Lots of Late Love
Mel

Dogging, fields and time travel.

My dear Readers, I have two very important things to announce.

One is that I'm very, very sorry that, once again, I've had to resort to the magic of retroactive scheduling in order to get this post out "on time". You see, Blogger was being very unpleasant, then I gave up and went for a long walk, then when I got home it had... gone through absolutely changes whatsoever, and remained steadfastly intransigent.

I am not a man of the 21st Century. It's a miracle I haven't burnt a programmer at the stake for witchcraft yet.

Now, with Blogger back on my side, I move on the the second point, which is WOO, THE TOPIC I WANTED IS THE TOPIC WE'RE WRITING ON! As such, I'm proud to present the topic for the week, "Dogging/Cottaging/Cruising, etc."

Please read nothing into the fact that I desperately wanted this topic. Nothing at all.

Oh dear, I've dug myself a hole here, one which isn't exactly being filled in by the fact that me and Eli live quite near a dogging site. A few, actually. I walked past/through several on my walk while Blogger fumed over whatever unknowable offence I'd committed against it. You see, we live in an amicably suburban area, which just so happens to be surrounded on 3 sides by grass and trees and bushes and nature in general, so it's perfect for surreptitious sexytimes. The pub which acts as a meeting point is only 10 minutes from the bush which acts as a bed. The isolated car-park only 5 minutes from the local condom vendor. It's really quite perfect. 

I Googled the name of my local area + "dogging". I don't recommend this.
Unless, y'know, it would aid you somehow.

I apologise for the rambling and uninformative nature of this post, but I've had 10.2 units of alcohol, and it's 05:21. Don't worry though, I'll schedule it for 09:00 yesterday, and it should reach you then. Right?

I'm glad we're friends again, Blogger.

Yours tiredly,

James.

I may or may not have engaged in some variety of sexual activity outside myself... I just don't wish to write about it.

The world beyond...

The world is largely divided in two types of people, those who believe aliens exist and those who believe they do not. Obviously one of these two must be right, but we have no way of knowing which :/ 

Does it really matter? Maybe there is, was, or one day will be some sort of life out there, or maybe we are all alone. To me it does not make much of a difference, so I'll leave you with a quote

"If no life existed out in the Universe, well, it'd be an awful waste of space"

and some funny pics (credits to the fb page I fucking love science)

Love,

Miu xx

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish.

No, I'm not leaving you, have no fear. I just wish to relay the message we received on our answer machine from Mel, Todostrieb and Eli's alien abductors.

We're speaking to the Martian embassy and are negotiating their safe return. Or not.

Now to the topic at hand: aliens (how ironic). And to make James happy, I'll talk about all those famous gay aliens, like Captain Jack Harkness out of Torchwood, or.... actually, he's the only one I can think of, unless E.T. turned out to be gay too? I'm sure there are more, there must be a gay Dalek or two roaming the cosmos somewhere, and I'm convinced that all Cybermen are gay too, because even they must have some sort of excitement in their otherwise mechanical lives, and it's not as if there are any Cyberwomen around.

Ef-fem-in-ate! You will be Ef-fem-in-at-ed!!

Actually, after a quick Google Image search for 'Cyberwomen', I'm reminded that Ianto-from-Torchwood's ex-girlfriend was turned into a Cyberwoman by him, I can't remember the whys and wherefores, but it was a sight to behold nonetheless:

Hardly surprising that all Cybermen are gay, then....

For those who are genuinely interested in extra-terrestrials of the homo-/bisexual variety, you might consider watching a German film called Traumschiff Surprise, which is a parody of Star Trek and is one of those laugh-your-cock off films in which everybody acts stereotypically gay. I'm not sure if it's been translated into English, so you'd all better get your Phrase Book ready.

And while we're on the topic of Star Trek, I'm told it's good viewing for those who like seeing men in very tight fitting outfits.

Gay Alien Bloggers from Earth II

Aliens. The reason this post is late. The cause of my foot hurting. The origin of gayness. The root of most conspiracy theories. All joking aside, my foot has started hurting out of nowhere, aliens must have done something then wiped my memory, not that I had a very good one in the first place.

As I write this I am looking at the twitter feed of the second man made probe to land on mars, if there is sentient life in this solar system realistically we would have found it by now. However statistically speaking there probably are aliens somewhere in the universe, it’s scarily big. To use a simple comparison, I know that somewhere in my bedroom is the partner to the sock I am holding. I just don’t have the technology or motivation to find it. Because chances are aliens will either be below us on the development scale, in which case we’d exploit them for resources, which I am morally against. Don’t try to bullshit me about how kind and loving the human race is, the weak get exploited, it’s how society works. The might be more intelligent than us with some pretty spiffy weapons, in which case we get exploited, another non desirable outcome. The last option is they are of the same intelligence, with a planet equally under threat from themselves, in which case we invariably go to war.

The only nice option here is we find a nice dead race somewhere and plunder their home planet of useful minerals with minimal threat to us. Space exploration is still useful though, many new inventions, such as crisp packets, have been created in an attempt to land a man on the moon. Asteroids and meteors can be mined for minerals, there’s a company recently set up to do just that. Satellites are really cool for spying on people, even if they have to adjust measurements for relativity (that’s why your sat navs are slow buggers).

Something that worries me is theoretically there could be another habitable earth like planet also orbiting the sun, directly opposite us, at the moment we have literally no technology capable of confirming or denying this theory, although it is a little farfetched. There could be another you sitting in front of a computer screen reading homojournal less than a few light years away.

Todostrieb

Oh, you mean noses aren't secondary sex organs?

Equality for homosexuals and aliens alike!

I’ve got to be honest I have no idea how this can possibly linked to the LGBT theme of this blog....but I’m going to go ahead and have fun with this anyways.

Clearly I am an alien. I have been here now for 18 cycles, or as you call them here on Earth, years. Approximately 0.5% of your population is actually my species under cover. We call ourselves the Bisexuals. I also fall into several subcategories pertaining to extraordinary wit and intelligence, but we’ll keep it simple for now.

I was a little shocked to find out how few people are bisexual....but I guess that’s because I hang out in the Homo-journal Palace most of the time. If you’re at school one person in your year will be bisexual? If you work on a team of 10 people, half a person will be bisexual? This figure seems a little low, but was taken from a survey of over 30,000 people just two years ago. I reckon it’s to do with age. Maybe more of my generation fall into the alien categories?

I’d now like to refer you to a rather charming conspiracy website....this thread concerns romance, aliens and homosexuality. 

Lots of love

Your Mel

I am never going to Freehold, Iowa.

Another Monday, another week where I'm outvoted on what topic we write about. You see, we decide by having a vote each week, and I'm all for topics like "LGBTQS celebrities as role models" and "Homophobia - actual phobia or ignorance?"

Unfortunately, the poll always looks like this by Sunday:

Actual quote - Todostrieb: "OMG flying boobs would be awesome."

Thus we have "UFOs and Aliens" week.

Now, aside from the obvious Rule 34 implications (I wish with all my heart that I hadn't Googled "Rule 34" - I despised My Little Pony enough already, thank you), I had trouble thinking of any connection between the two. So, with Google already open, I decided to do some digging. And oh my, some people have been finding connections for me.

They forgot the "BBQ" y-axis, which shows how much my brain started smouldering as I read that page.

Now I know this is a satire page, and I have nothing against gays, or aliens, or religion per-se, or crazy, but that page is a bewildering maelstrom of all 4 at the very highest levels. You could lock a starving cat in a room that contained a mouse floating in a pool, on a lilo, while blasting the Hawaii Five-0 theme tune at them, and you still wouldn't reach the levels of confusion, anger and revulsion as you see on that page. FBI Profilers could read that page as part of their training, if just to understand how strange delusions can be. We'll have evolved past the point at which we ARE THE INVADING ALIENS TO SOMEONE ELSE before we can fully understand what's going on in these people's heads.

I'm now in the middle of a true sense of humour failure here. "Pastor Ezekiel" has some very interesting badges underneath his name. Some, such as "Christian Love", and "4th Year Bible College" are absolutely brilliant, love and studying are wonderful. Here are some others:

1. "Punched the most queers" - a jolly pair of boxing gloves.
2. "True Christian Caucasian" - some variety of white object, possibly a feather, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.
3. The rather ominous "Tell Her Once" - a shaking, closed, fist.

I will become this Sim, then go torment these people. Out of spite.

Seriously?! Satire's all very well and good, but you can't make fun of these things. It's not right, these are real issues, and it's not that funny. There are some things that you can't mock, women's rights, gay rights and aliens that might possibly have the technology to destroy us all being very high up on the list.

Aliens, if you're listening, go back. We have too much to fix before you're safe to visit.

Yours flabbergastedly,

James.

For at least 10 minutes, I didn't know it was a satirical page. I very nearly caught fire.

Welcome to Hogwarts.

When Mel suggested this week's theme, the actual words that passed her lips were in fact "design your own Homo-Journal palace." Although it may not technically be a palace, my first and only thought to this topic was Hogwarts, just redesigned to suit all our needs: with one or two or twenty personal sex rooms for each of us to accommodate whomsoever we bring back from Hogsmeade.  

Hogsmeade: The nation's newest gay village for wizards, complete with pub and 'sweet' shop.

Let me take you on a guided floor-by-floor guide (audio guide available in various languages on request from some half-decent information kiosks). 

The Dungeons 

Despite their menacing name, the dungeons play an important role in the day-to-day running of Homo-warts palace, since it houses the sleeping quarters for all our personal staff; the cooks, the caretakers, the chauffeurs, the security guards, the technicians, the gardeners and the butlers and all other house-elves. Don't get lost in the dungeons, the deeper you go the more haunted they get. Only venture past the second level of the dungeons with at least two other people, and do be careful of our Basilisk, sometimes it petrifies people.... 

Ground floor 

The first thing you see when you enter Homo-warts is the magnificent marble-lined-with-gold-and-the-bones-of-the-victims-of-Mel's-unsuccessful-scientific-test staircase (please note, we renovated a few years back, staircase may not contain actual bones). Behind it you will find the glass elevator straight out of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, which will take you to anywhere you want it to take you, when it decides to work.... I'm not convinced it survived crashing through the roof of the Factory, but maybe I'm just not reading the instructions properly. 

Just a small dining room, then....

As you follow the entrance hall round to the left, the first door on the right leads into the Great Hall, where my esteemed colleagues and I lord over our guests during dinner. The first door on the left of the entrance hall leads into our party room, complete with functioning bar (alcohol included), pool table and dance floor. The second and final door on the left of the entrance hall leads into the ground floor bathroom, which in turn leads into our Sauna and Pool area. 

Literally the best swimming pool EVER.

First Floor 

The first floor consists of two wings: east and west. James lives in the west wing (he'd get no sunlight if he lived in the east) and out of all of us, has the shortest path to take when he wants to go and raid the fridge at night, because the Kitchen is directly underneath the West Wing on the Ground Floor. There are a number of disused broom cupboards in the West Wing, many of which no doubt once housed clones of Ezra Miller. Notice the difference in decoration as you pass through the West Wing, in comparison to the decoration of the rest of the palace - no where else will you find a shrine to the notorious Mr Miller, Tom Daley and Irene Adler which spouts Vodka 24/7.  

The east wing comprises of nothing more or less than James's torture chambers, and guests are advised to steer clear of the east wing during and outside of business hours.  

Second Floor 

In the south wing of the second floor lie Rory's chambers, complete with Grand Piano, Four-Poster bed, clones of the Tenth Doctor, Moriarty, Johnlock, and Merlin (not my cat). Within my chambers I have access to every single musical instrument which has ever graced the earth with its presence, and a complete recording studio in which to record them all. It is in here where I spend my time composing and blogging about my compositions.  

The East Wing has a full-size functioning theatre, for use by amateur and professional theatre companies alike, who perform exclusively for us any play we desire. It can also double as a cinema, I'm told it's the only one in the country that gets the finished film before it's been made. Every so often we're kind enough to let the villagers of Hogsmeade watch too, at but a small price.  

Our library begins on the second floor in the north and west wings, and spans eighteen floors.  

While you're passing through the second floor, it is worth visiting the corridor in which stands a scale map of Gallifrey, which was presented as a parting gift to the Homo-Journalists by none other than the Doctor himself. It is a long story which we will no doubt come back to in due course. It stands at the point where he began Regenerating into his twelfth body after - actually no, I won't say, spoilers.  

Unfortunately, the map doesn't tell me how to get there....

Third floor 

This floor used to belong to Eli, but since she moved in with Mel a few months back, it is now largely deserted, save for the library, which, incidentally, houses on this floor the erotic fiction for all sexualities.  

We currently have no plans to rent out the second floor, so don't even ask (unless you have news on season 3 of Sherlock, in which case, you may either email us, or send us an owl).  

Fourth floor 

This is Mel and Eli's floor, and anybody who values their life will be careful not to stray too far from the fourth floor landing, otherwise Mel might just snatch you for her experiments. She lives in the East Wing, which is heavily guarded by pink fluffy bunnies. Nobody quite knows exactly what is in Mel's rooms, because we've never been able to get any sense out of anybody who's come out of there. The north wing is strictly out of bounds to all but Mel's poor test subjects, as this is where her laboratory can be found.  

Mel's security guard, the vicious little bugger...

Eli lives in the south wing of the fourth floor, with interconnecting doors to Mel's room. Prince Poppycock also lives somewhere within, I'm told.... 

The library is only in the west wing of this floor after Mel burnt down the North wing when a chemical experiment went disastrously wrong.  

Fifth floor 

Todostrieb resides in the north wing on days when she's not taking care of the windmill which sits on the edges of Homo-warts grounds. Her estranged significant other hasn't been seen since he moved in, although he may have escaped to Hogsmeade when Todostrieb has been working at the mill. The gallery of all those eclectic items she has collected is certainly well worth a visit, and as long as you don't touch anything, there is a good chance you will survive the experience with your sanity still intact. It's worth noting that the lift doesn't stop in the gallery for security reasons; passengers requiring upward, downward, forward, leftward, backward or rightward services should flag the lift down from the fifth floor landing, although given its origin, you're probably quicker walking.  

We had to move the library to the west and south wings of this floor, incidentally, the south wing houses books on BDSM and the the west wing houses travel guides.  

Sixth floor 

The library takes up the North, South and West wings of the sixth floor, and houses general everyday non-fiction books. The East wing has large private chambers for our Guest slaves, who incidentally, have security clearance for most of the palace. If you would also like security clearance for Homo-warts, you may also wish to consider writing for us.  

The West Wing of the Sixth Floor Library. Pretty cool, huh?

Seventh floor 

The seventh floor is the final floor our grand nearly-marble staircase will take you. Miu lives in the North wing, right next to the Owlery which is located in the East wing.  The only thing which might threaten you up here is the odd rogue owl, or indeed the Howler which that rogue owl failed to deliver to its intended recipient. Other than that, the seventh floor is largely safe, as long as you don't stray into the animal and human hospitals which are both in the south wing. The library, in the west wing, houses all things animals on the seventh floor, before continuing towards the 18th floor, which has so little floor space you could barely swing a cat in it. Incidentally, there aren't many books on the 18th floor either, I'm not quite sure why it's there in the first place... 

We hope you've enjoyed your tour of Homo-warts palace, anybody who strayed off the tour path may be collected from the Lost and Found department on level -3 when Hell next freezes over.  

I want it to move

Let's stray from the norm. I think if we were to all live in giant palace together, it shouldn't be stationary. We should have a moving castle like Howl's. That way, we won't all have to stagger home at night after a night of bar-hopping, we can just have our castle pick us up. It'll also stop us squabbling about whether to live in London or middle-of-nowhere-Norfolk... we can take it in turns, travel around, so that we'll be in town in Florida when they have the big lesbian festival (mentioned in "the real L word"), and then be in Tokyo for ComicCon.

We'll have to make it fly.. and paint it rainbow..

..............................................................................

Sources

Howl's moving Castle picture

The World's First Gay Windmill

Don’t laugh; my dream has always been to own a fully operational windmill, and have a small café attached selling assorted cakes, warm drinks and yummy fresh bread. We could have a small pen for animals like tiny baby goats and chickens. Each homo-journalist will be assigned a specific role; I will grind the flour and design our superbly cool LGBTQ themed packaging. Rory can drive the giant tractor because it seems like fun and he isn't technologically challenged, like James. Mel will run the shop along with her girlfriend Eli, who will look awesome in a maid costume. In fact everyone will wear cosplay 100% of the time. Miu will muck out the animals. There, everyone should be ecstatic to be given such an important role in the world’s first LGBTQ windmill. I'd say we should paint it rainbow colours and add glitter, but there's something so elegant and quaint about the traditional off-white windmill colour.

Location: Probably Norfolk

My bedroom will be furnished with a superbly cool burger bed, as seen below. It will also feature an ‘internest’ involving a cool desk, a mac pro, and at least three million books. No one but me will be allowed in my personal space, you will all damage the aura. My numerous conquests will be allowed in the room for short periods but under no circumstances may sleep in the burger bed; they will sleep in the guest room.

As far as interior design goes, my dream palace is a far cry from minimalistic, or even stylish. It will be filled wall to wall with a random assortment of eclectic items I have picked up on my travels. Brightly coloured fabrics, cushy arm chairs, a mountain of teacups, creepy paintings, enough kitchen appliances to assemble into a tank, a room entirely full of pillows, a library of antique books,  a patchwork tiled swimming costume, stained glass, pin cushions, crystals, dried herbs etc…

The guest room. Also where all the others will sleep. Also my playroom. 

While I'm on a role here are the other house rules:

• the pool is reserved for skinny dipping only
• all animals must wear cute hats at all times
• cosplay must be worn by all humanoids at any time
• if you finish someone else’s vodka, that’s what the spanking bench is for
• anyone who wakes me up from my at the very minimum 18 hour sleep will also be spanked
• the body field is where the bodies go, please do not leave evidence, I mean scientific experiments in the fridge or similar

I think that covers everything important,

Todostrieb

Grand Designs

First some stories. While on holiday in the south of France Eli had an allergic reaction to something. 2 hours later, some excellent experiment design and marker pen use later I still hadn't discovered what it was. I could only conclude that she was allergic to me or nothing at all. And, as I couldn't leave her- it was impossible to conduct a fair scientific test... When I was a child I liked making potions and as anyone in my chemistry class can attest to- I never grew out of this stage....I am currently conducting a test to objectively categorise people’s sense of smell, and possible taste in food as well.

This leads me to my actual homojournalist house design. I highly suspect me being left alone with a few other sciencey people will result in....this.

Bluebell!!!

I propose we dedicate a floor to this....

It's so shiny and white- like heaven

I may be getting carried away here, but this is after all my dream house. I will second the other homojournalists motions for us to each have a sex room of our own design. I would however, like to take this one step further and propose that we each design a couple of floors in the mansion. (don’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darhling).  I can have my lab, partly for mad science, partly for kinky white coat related hanky panky. But, I can also have my dungeon and 4 poster princess bed, without worrying about a clash in taste.

This is also completely necessary.

As are these.....

....And of course these....

As you may have understood from previous posts. I am at heart a nerd. Left to my own devices I would not sleep, but build a nest. I would read hundreds of books a week, and only leave my nest to eat, have sex and possibly use the bathroom (I say possibly use the bathroom because dialysis may be a legit option). Thus, the homojournalists need one of the libraries pictured below. Trinty college library is enough to make me regret not going down the Oxbridge route. But, no fear one day I’ll break in and if I can’t read the books, I’ll make do with banging a professor on the desk.

So, sex, books and science- why aren’t I hosting grand designs I here you ask? It may be due to the vodka water dispenser I would also require, and the vast quantities of apple trees I would demand in our orchard. But, I think that this place will one day be a reality- as soon as I win the lottery and my insanity becomes distinguished eccentricity instead of criminal.

Thank-yee for reading pets,

Lots of love Mel

xxx

Living in the lap-dance of luxury.

First and foremost, I wish to have it known that if, for some reason, all of us Homojournalists were ever to live together, the house would have to be:

1. Very large, with at least 7 bedrooms for us, guests etc.
2. Be exquisitely furnished (well, at least my room).
3. Have all the latest mod-cons.
4. Be apocalypse proof.

5. Have a battalion of maids, cleaners, gardeners etc.

You see, I think that if we all lived together, it would be an unmitigated disaster, because last time we did something similar (well, me, Mel and Todostrieb, along with Unimportant-To-The-Story-Friend and Cretzal (who you may remember)), the lights in the living room fused, me and Mel almost got savaged by a dog, everyone but me was horrified by Insidious, Todostrieb threw up in a bowl and then proceeded to tip the bowl all over the floor and me and Cretzal broke up, so it wasn't what you could call 100% successful.

And no, I won't lend credence to the idea that having the other Homojournalists there would've improved matters, because then Mel would've been distracted by Eli, and wouldn't have gone on the walk, leaving me to be mauled to death by the angry dog/any number of cows/sheep/natives, Miu would've criticised my cooking if it had a single molecule of capsaicin in it (which it would've), and Rory, well, Rory would've drunk all my vodka.

I needed my vodka.

So, yes. NEVER, EVER IN MY LIFE.

...but here's the house it would have to be if it happened.

Right, let's get this known right off the bat - this will be there:

Only our blog can say we have a signature lamp.

We'd also need a suitably ostentatious way of having the vodka flowing at all times...

This will do nicely.

Let's face it, we're all absolutely filthy. We don't want a house, we want a temple of debauchery. We want a shrine to Bacchus and Aphrodite. And I'm 100% fine with that. I'm just suggesting we make it a classy den of smut.

This, with more nakedness.

I'm into minimalism, so obviously I want it to be all glass and chrome (think about it guys, wipe-clean is all I'm saying). I don't want actual brick walls, I want walls made out of smart glass like in that episode of CSI Miami where the under-age drinker was stabbed to death in a bathroom. I want spiral staircases made of glass. I want men and women in smart, modern suits, ready to remove them at any notice to give us lap-dances. I want my cat, Skye, as our signature pet.

Tell me this isn't a classy cat.

You know, I'm beginning to warm to this idea. Tell you what, I'll agree to live with you guys. As long as I can stay in my own safe, opaque glass box, with my cat, my penis vodka fountain and anyone I deem attractive.

I might let the cat out occasionally.

Yours tentatively,

James.

I have been using one of Cretzal's socks to scent train Skye, so if she ever meets him she'll attack. Progress is startling.